It's been a while since I wrote.
I was poorly for a couple of weeks and being ill took me into a place of deep fear and grief. The fear was at times overwhelming and it covered every aspect of my life - it was not limited to the fear of 'always being ill and never really properly recovering'. I felt fear about everything - and in particular, I realise, when the everything related to doing anything. It felt like a stage of transition. Now my flu symptoms have gone, the fear has abated but it was fierce and terrifying.
To begin with, I was in denial about being ill. I had 'too much to do' and it was definitely the wrong week for me to be laid up in bed. And yet there I was. And I fought it all the way - until it was very kindly pointed out to me that that's what I was doing. I stopped and realised just how self-punishing I was being keeping myself in a constant state of extreme stress about feeling really ill and yet thinking that I had to be doing things so that, even when I was resting, I was agitated and full of guilt. Not the best internal environment for recovery from anything!
And I felt so sad. The slightest thing moved me to tears and I sobbed at least once every day (probably because I was being so self-punishing). I think it all stemmed from the feeling of deep vulnerability from being ill. Having flu is quite incapacitating and I think that to feel so very vulnerable was very challenging for me because I have a great many things to be dealing and coping with. Which of course is why I got ill - because I allowed myself to become run down from trying to do too much.
This flu has made me really see just how much I take on on a day-by-day and week-by-week basis. How impulsive I am when it comes to saying 'yes I'll do that'. And that, because I am passionate about many things, I have a tendency to try to be involved in all of them. And that the combination of that is totally unsustainable. I have been scattered and unfocused for a long time and it is exhausting. It has taken a bout of flu to make me see just how exhausting it is. And how much I want to bring some focus and clarity into my everyday life.
I have been longing for a while to have something to really get my teeth into. I have a choice of projects and could do so with any one of them. And I don't. Because I don't want to have to 'give up' my other options. And because I am afraid of the power I might unleash within me by focusing all my energy on one thing. The things I could accomplish!!
Well, you never know until you try so it's time to pick one of these projects - in actual fact it does not matter which because I think the what is not quite so important as the how and why. It's time to have a priority in life again - one that is beneficial and allows me to bring all my energy to it, all my passion and enthusiasm. It's time to surrender into a definite Yes.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Monday, 5 December 2011
Monday, 17 October 2011
A Fresh Look
I have made a new discovery!
Over the last few days, the Universe has been conspiring to bring me to a place of understanding: of just how capable I am.
My energy has been up and I have realised just how much I can do in a day - without exhausting myself, without being self-punishing, without getting badly out of balance.
I have been, for a while now, feeling better than I used to. I still get days where I'm not up to much at all but they are much fewer and further between than they have been for a very long time. I have still been living in a mindset of fear when it comes to doing things however. I have been so afraid of doing 'too much' (whatever that means in the moment) in case I get tired. Because I am so afraid of being tired because of what it has meant for me in the past. Being tired meant being exhausted; it meant feeling ill and depressed; it meant not really having a life or feeling able in any way.
But even though now my tiredness is more at a 'normal' level (that is, I get tired from being busy - just like everyone else), it has been very hard to get out of the mindset of caution. I have spent days only doing one or two things because I have been so scared of doing too much and exhausting myself. I don't feel badly about this. I have at times kept a daily 'diary of achievements' to help me see that I can do things. It began with 'I got out of bed this morning'. And that really was a huge achievement. It was only a few months ago that doing as much as I have done today (a full day's work) would have been impossible - physically, psychologically and emotionally. I felt fragile and ill, as I had done for a long time. And anyone reading this diary a couple of weeks ago would understand that, sometimes, I still do.
Not every day however. Not anymore. My fear of being ill has not diminished though: until now. The last few days I have got so much done!! And far from feeling tired from it - I feel fantastic! I feel such a great sense of accomplishment. And this in turn has made me feel more confident, inspired and motivated to do more. I have balanced my days as far as possible - not just doing one type of thing (though today has been spent at the computer admittedly). I am attempting to rebuild my life in a way that maintains my health - that is sustainable on a personal level. And in terms of overcoming my fears, the last few days have taken me a giant leap forward.
It's been a long time coming and I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel :-)
Love to you.
Lyra ♥
Over the last few days, the Universe has been conspiring to bring me to a place of understanding: of just how capable I am.
My energy has been up and I have realised just how much I can do in a day - without exhausting myself, without being self-punishing, without getting badly out of balance.
I have been, for a while now, feeling better than I used to. I still get days where I'm not up to much at all but they are much fewer and further between than they have been for a very long time. I have still been living in a mindset of fear when it comes to doing things however. I have been so afraid of doing 'too much' (whatever that means in the moment) in case I get tired. Because I am so afraid of being tired because of what it has meant for me in the past. Being tired meant being exhausted; it meant feeling ill and depressed; it meant not really having a life or feeling able in any way.
But even though now my tiredness is more at a 'normal' level (that is, I get tired from being busy - just like everyone else), it has been very hard to get out of the mindset of caution. I have spent days only doing one or two things because I have been so scared of doing too much and exhausting myself. I don't feel badly about this. I have at times kept a daily 'diary of achievements' to help me see that I can do things. It began with 'I got out of bed this morning'. And that really was a huge achievement. It was only a few months ago that doing as much as I have done today (a full day's work) would have been impossible - physically, psychologically and emotionally. I felt fragile and ill, as I had done for a long time. And anyone reading this diary a couple of weeks ago would understand that, sometimes, I still do.
Not every day however. Not anymore. My fear of being ill has not diminished though: until now. The last few days I have got so much done!! And far from feeling tired from it - I feel fantastic! I feel such a great sense of accomplishment. And this in turn has made me feel more confident, inspired and motivated to do more. I have balanced my days as far as possible - not just doing one type of thing (though today has been spent at the computer admittedly). I am attempting to rebuild my life in a way that maintains my health - that is sustainable on a personal level. And in terms of overcoming my fears, the last few days have taken me a giant leap forward.
It's been a long time coming and I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel :-)
Love to you.
Lyra ♥
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
What a difference a week makes...
I have realised just how cyclical a creature I am.
It started from reading Miranda Gray's Red Moon. I began keeping a chart of my menstrual cycle including how I feel each day, what my energy is like, what dreams I have.... it's been so revealing to me. And so infinitely helpful. To understand that when I feel low, this will change and, aside from life events, it is often due to where in my cycle I am, is wonderful because it makes me feel like I am in charge again. At least, that's how I feel today!
I have been struggling deeply with my sense of identity - of myself as a woman and what that means. This cycle chart has been very beneficial in that journey. It has helped me to understand that I am different people at different times - and that that is totally natural. It is simply how my nature works as a woman. At times I am soft, vulnerable, sad and withdrawn; at others I am wild, passionate and sexy; and at still others I am strong, focused and logical. How wonderful to feel that all of this is at my fingertips! How amazing to know that I am capable of being all of these things - and I definitely am because I have already been all of those things!
I have a tendency, like many others who have suffered trauma, to look at my past and see the bad in myself. To go over and over the things I have done wrong and regret or have suffered. Which of course only serves to prolong the pattern of suffering - but which must be gone through like any other part of the healing process.
More and more however, I am looking at the good stuff - and actually, there is a lot of it! There are many more times I have done the right thing than the wrong; been kind rather than unkind; had beautiful, connecting, loving times rather than ones full of fear, conflict and trauma (particularly more recently).
I am learning that men CAN be trustworthy, kind and honest. Probably because I am learning just how much that is true of me too! And I feel that, because of that, I am inviting more positive experiences into my life of men being kind, trustworthy and honest. I feel, possibly for the first time in my life, that I am really rooting for myself: that I am showing up and giving myself what I need and that that is giving me daily more strength and courage to face my fears than I have ever had.
And I am still terrified of going out into the world and still feel shame about the fact that I have been withdrawn from it for so long - particularly with regard to the world of work and career. But each day that passes, the fear of NOT going out into the world and the consequences of that become a little bigger and the fear of going out into the world lessens as I learn through new experiences that going out there can be a beautiful, joyful thing to do that nourishes and connects me. And learning that in a social context first is very helpful: it allows me to realise my worth as a person which naturally makes me begin to think that I am also worthy of achieving my dreams. In particular, my dream of earning a good living doing what I love. A vital part of moving from surviving into thriving.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
It started from reading Miranda Gray's Red Moon. I began keeping a chart of my menstrual cycle including how I feel each day, what my energy is like, what dreams I have.... it's been so revealing to me. And so infinitely helpful. To understand that when I feel low, this will change and, aside from life events, it is often due to where in my cycle I am, is wonderful because it makes me feel like I am in charge again. At least, that's how I feel today!
I have been struggling deeply with my sense of identity - of myself as a woman and what that means. This cycle chart has been very beneficial in that journey. It has helped me to understand that I am different people at different times - and that that is totally natural. It is simply how my nature works as a woman. At times I am soft, vulnerable, sad and withdrawn; at others I am wild, passionate and sexy; and at still others I am strong, focused and logical. How wonderful to feel that all of this is at my fingertips! How amazing to know that I am capable of being all of these things - and I definitely am because I have already been all of those things!
I have a tendency, like many others who have suffered trauma, to look at my past and see the bad in myself. To go over and over the things I have done wrong and regret or have suffered. Which of course only serves to prolong the pattern of suffering - but which must be gone through like any other part of the healing process.
More and more however, I am looking at the good stuff - and actually, there is a lot of it! There are many more times I have done the right thing than the wrong; been kind rather than unkind; had beautiful, connecting, loving times rather than ones full of fear, conflict and trauma (particularly more recently).
I am learning that men CAN be trustworthy, kind and honest. Probably because I am learning just how much that is true of me too! And I feel that, because of that, I am inviting more positive experiences into my life of men being kind, trustworthy and honest. I feel, possibly for the first time in my life, that I am really rooting for myself: that I am showing up and giving myself what I need and that that is giving me daily more strength and courage to face my fears than I have ever had.
And I am still terrified of going out into the world and still feel shame about the fact that I have been withdrawn from it for so long - particularly with regard to the world of work and career. But each day that passes, the fear of NOT going out into the world and the consequences of that become a little bigger and the fear of going out into the world lessens as I learn through new experiences that going out there can be a beautiful, joyful thing to do that nourishes and connects me. And learning that in a social context first is very helpful: it allows me to realise my worth as a person which naturally makes me begin to think that I am also worthy of achieving my dreams. In particular, my dream of earning a good living doing what I love. A vital part of moving from surviving into thriving.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Monday, 3 October 2011
Scary Needs Safety First
This morning I woke up and was quickly drenched in fear.
A lot of past events ran through my mind and I felt the residue of them in my body. Hips clenched, my jaw was tight, arms wrapped around myself or hands holding the part of my body which felt most frightened.
Eventually I managed to get up and have some breakfast. I wrote my journal and realised that I felt exhausted and wanted to go back to sleep - if nothing else to have another hour of respite from feeling. Normally I would have overridden this: viewed it as a weakness and not something to be indulged when I 'should' be getting on with so many other things.
But today, I showed myself a bit more compassion and went back to bed. I slept deeply and now this afternoon I feel able to cope with the feelings which are coming up. They have moved to the background a bit which is why I feel able to write.
I am healing some old wounds - old wounds which have been exacerbated by more recent ones. They carry such huge shame and such terror and at times I feel as if I have reached my limits and simply cannot hold anymore. I think maybe that's where the sleep came in helpful. Being kind to myself helped me to let go. To not have to hold it all for a while by surrendering to sleep.
I still feel guilty for giving myself what I needed - after all, sleeping is not what I should be doing on a Monday morning! I should be out working like 'normal' people. Like healthy people. But that's the point isn't it. I'm not out there working because I feel exhausted quite often or simply unable to cope. It's hard to admit that. Because it's how I've been feeling for so long and I do feel a huge amount better than I used to. I'm just not quite 'there' yet. Not quite able to go out into the world - or at least feel huge terror about doing so because it feels so dangerous out there and I feel so inadequate.
And of course the more I do to heal myself, the more the fears and shame come up. Because the things I do to heal myself confront those feelings and bring them out into the open - instead of staying where they've been repressed for years. And I know this is a good thing and is healthy. It's just not easy!
I realised this morning that I felt very unsafe. Part of going back to sleep was about recovering a sense of safety: being in my bed where I feel safe and surrendering into that. I am typing this from my bed. Thank goodness the wifi is working today! I am going so deeply into my fears that I need to counter-balance this with really taking good care of myself. And allowing myself to sleep when I need to, eating good food regularly, really listening to what my body is telling me about what it needs.... these things all help me to feel safer because they help me to feel heard. Not being heard has been the source of much terror, pain, shame and anger for me (just as being heard is now scary). So I am giving myself the gifts I need to feel safe again; to learn to trust, at least in myself.
I need to be heard.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
A lot of past events ran through my mind and I felt the residue of them in my body. Hips clenched, my jaw was tight, arms wrapped around myself or hands holding the part of my body which felt most frightened.
Eventually I managed to get up and have some breakfast. I wrote my journal and realised that I felt exhausted and wanted to go back to sleep - if nothing else to have another hour of respite from feeling. Normally I would have overridden this: viewed it as a weakness and not something to be indulged when I 'should' be getting on with so many other things.
But today, I showed myself a bit more compassion and went back to bed. I slept deeply and now this afternoon I feel able to cope with the feelings which are coming up. They have moved to the background a bit which is why I feel able to write.
I am healing some old wounds - old wounds which have been exacerbated by more recent ones. They carry such huge shame and such terror and at times I feel as if I have reached my limits and simply cannot hold anymore. I think maybe that's where the sleep came in helpful. Being kind to myself helped me to let go. To not have to hold it all for a while by surrendering to sleep.
I still feel guilty for giving myself what I needed - after all, sleeping is not what I should be doing on a Monday morning! I should be out working like 'normal' people. Like healthy people. But that's the point isn't it. I'm not out there working because I feel exhausted quite often or simply unable to cope. It's hard to admit that. Because it's how I've been feeling for so long and I do feel a huge amount better than I used to. I'm just not quite 'there' yet. Not quite able to go out into the world - or at least feel huge terror about doing so because it feels so dangerous out there and I feel so inadequate.
And of course the more I do to heal myself, the more the fears and shame come up. Because the things I do to heal myself confront those feelings and bring them out into the open - instead of staying where they've been repressed for years. And I know this is a good thing and is healthy. It's just not easy!
I realised this morning that I felt very unsafe. Part of going back to sleep was about recovering a sense of safety: being in my bed where I feel safe and surrendering into that. I am typing this from my bed. Thank goodness the wifi is working today! I am going so deeply into my fears that I need to counter-balance this with really taking good care of myself. And allowing myself to sleep when I need to, eating good food regularly, really listening to what my body is telling me about what it needs.... these things all help me to feel safer because they help me to feel heard. Not being heard has been the source of much terror, pain, shame and anger for me (just as being heard is now scary). So I am giving myself the gifts I need to feel safe again; to learn to trust, at least in myself.
I need to be heard.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
The Lie of Too Much
There is a huge amount of fear in my life. I live in fear on a daily basis.
I am afraid of being selfish, or being a doormat; of not being able to say no or not having my no heard; of not being able to say yes or having my yes rejected; afraid of commitment, afraid of drifting; afraid of attack and terrible things happening; afraid of never feeling 'alright'; afraid of saying the wrong thing; afraid of my own power and of other people's; afraid I will never find lasting love or have a family of my own; afraid I will never have financial security; afraid of anger, of being the 'cause' of others' anger or discomfort or sadness; afraid I feel too much or not enough….. The list goes on and on.
Some of it is primal fear, learned from experience and sits in my body, my guts, telling me to run or fight. It makes me wake up and it keeps me alive.
But a huge amount of it is mental anxiety and springs from my head. From the imagining of future possibilities full of terror, pain and despair. It makes me shut down and disassociate from the present. I have got better at spotting these anxiety spirals and soothing myself out of them but it takes work and practice and the tendency is still very much there.
I think much of it comes from believing I am 'too' something. 'Too sensitive', 'too emotional', 'too broken': 'too much'. Too much for others to handle or want to be around. And with that comes great swathes of shame and guilt. The 'oh no, I took too much space/time/attention/love there, I should have done xyz instead'.
And at times, I think I am too much for some people. We all are. That doesn't mean that I am wrong to be myself!! It just means that some people will take a step back in that situation. And I then have to feel the emotions of that. It doesn't mean I have to stop being myself. What a revelation!!!!! (To me anyway!).
I really don't have to stop being myself in order to make others feel comfortable. I simply need to tolerate the consequences. If I express so much grief or joy that some people back away, for whatever reason, (usually because they are afraid of feeling that themselves, but not always), I need to be able to accept the fact that this is their prerogative. And that I can choose to adjust my behaviour if I wish to but that I do not have to.
I don't mean that I have carte blanche to do anything I like and screw the consequences for others. I'm not talking about getting so angry that I hit someone and that's ok because I'm just expressing myself.
I am, however, meaning heart-full, responsible self-expression. Being able to say 'I am so angry right now' in a way that is assertive and full of feeling but is not passive or aggressive. Being able to vent my grief by sobbing my heart out, free from shame. Being able to be deeply joyful in spite of any guilt which may arise.
I have been told not to cry at a funeral. I have been told I cannot laugh (about something totally unrelated) because someone else was experiencing grief. I have been told I cannot be angry because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable. And NONE of this is true.
And I have tried to manipulate others too into feeling, in particular, not angry because anger makes me afraid. I feel sad about that. But I wish to take responsibility for it so that I can change that behaviour. Because it is so linked with being able to stand up and say 'what you are doing makes me very uncomfortable. It's too much for me right now and I need to remove myself from this situation. Perhaps we can talk about this later or another day'. And I have so rarely been able to say this. I have thought that I had to accept whatever behaviour people have thrown at me because that's what 'being loving' is, not understanding that I was not loving them or myself because I was instead trying to cover up my real feelings (of fear) and instead trying to change them into feeling or being something else that was less frightening for me.
And I have had other people do that to me a LOT. Tell me (often directly) that I am wrong. That somehow in myself I am so wrong that I make other people deeply uncomfortable or unhappy. That it is all my fault. I have believed these lies for a long time and they have filled me with fear, guilt and shame. Made me feel unable to really be myself - the self who is full of feeling and has so much to offer the world. The self who is empowered and passionate and expresses herself heartfully and articulately.
Well, the tide is turning.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
The Inspiration of Fear and Frustration
I am avoiding writing again today. But today, the reason for it feels different. It's because I want to be seen!
I am feeling frustration at writing this blog anonymously!
This is an almost unbelievable shift for me. The desire to be visible has not reared its head often in many years and yet here it is, and it's strong. Stronger than the fear of being seen.
And actually, I find myself welcoming this frustration because what an amazing realisation it has brought me - that I wish to be seen more than I wish to hide in fear and shame. A more precious gift I cannot think of!
I have been finding it so fabulous in the last few days that I have been feeling joyful about my anger or fear for the simple fact that I am recognising them as the teachers they are and when they bring such beautiful lessons, how can I not feel joyful about the experience?!
I always find it fascinating to notice that you don't get something till you get it. That is, you can understand a concept perfectly well intellectually, but until it really sinks in, the knowledge in itself does little to alter your actual perception or behaviour. Then suddenly you get a little 'Eureka' moment and it's as if the lights have been switched on and... Ohhhhhhh - THAT's what everyone meant!
Lately I've been feeling as if I'm in a growth spurt with these little lights being turned on all the time about so many things, ideas, patterns and facets of my behaviour. I gain clarity about myself and my life on an almost daily basis and it is utterly inspiring. To have spent so much of your living in fear, to have the experience of your other desires outweighing it is totally, well, awesome. I literally feel in awe of it. And afraid it will go away! Afraid that I'm not 'up to the task' and will sink back into fear and invisibility.
The thing is, I probably will. But I get now that I move in cycles and spirals and waves: that nothing is constant and yet everything comes back to us - the good as well as the bad. So if I sink into fear again, I have only to move through it because on the other side will be something else. And, in my experience, the something else is wonderful.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
I am feeling frustration at writing this blog anonymously!
This is an almost unbelievable shift for me. The desire to be visible has not reared its head often in many years and yet here it is, and it's strong. Stronger than the fear of being seen.
And actually, I find myself welcoming this frustration because what an amazing realisation it has brought me - that I wish to be seen more than I wish to hide in fear and shame. A more precious gift I cannot think of!
I have been finding it so fabulous in the last few days that I have been feeling joyful about my anger or fear for the simple fact that I am recognising them as the teachers they are and when they bring such beautiful lessons, how can I not feel joyful about the experience?!
I always find it fascinating to notice that you don't get something till you get it. That is, you can understand a concept perfectly well intellectually, but until it really sinks in, the knowledge in itself does little to alter your actual perception or behaviour. Then suddenly you get a little 'Eureka' moment and it's as if the lights have been switched on and... Ohhhhhhh - THAT's what everyone meant!
Lately I've been feeling as if I'm in a growth spurt with these little lights being turned on all the time about so many things, ideas, patterns and facets of my behaviour. I gain clarity about myself and my life on an almost daily basis and it is utterly inspiring. To have spent so much of your living in fear, to have the experience of your other desires outweighing it is totally, well, awesome. I literally feel in awe of it. And afraid it will go away! Afraid that I'm not 'up to the task' and will sink back into fear and invisibility.
The thing is, I probably will. But I get now that I move in cycles and spirals and waves: that nothing is constant and yet everything comes back to us - the good as well as the bad. So if I sink into fear again, I have only to move through it because on the other side will be something else. And, in my experience, the something else is wonderful.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Monday, 5 September 2011
Sex & Punishment, Anger & Shame
I've realised I'm ashamed of my anger.
If I feel angry towards someone, I try to hide it because I feel like I'm doing something wrong - betraying them somehow by being angry with them. Perhaps it has to do with love: perhaps I associate anger with not loving and not being angry with loving.
I was asked recently if I thought I had allowed myself to be angry enough with my ex-partner. I do not think I have. I think I learned when I was young that being angry was pretty pointless because it did not make any difference to anything. My situation did not change; no one stopped my stepfather from behaving so awfully; and, importantly, I did not feel any better. I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. So what was the point in expressing it?
I felt the same way with my partner. I felt angry all the time in the end. And if I expressed it directly, it made no difference to the situation nor to how I felt. Again, I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. And within that situation I felt very disempowered and defeated so the thought of repeatedly trying over and over to express myself felt both terribly difficult and pretty futile.
I am finding this all very hard to write about. Shame makes me want to hide so writing about it and putting it out there in the public domain is downright painful! I can feel the urge in me rising to apologise for myself somehow - for the lack of flow in my writing or for the subject matter or anything. And with that realisation, I feel the funny side of it and also a lot of compassion for myself.
I remind myself of the wonderful lesson that the only way to move through something is to feel it; the only way to conquer your fears or not live in shame is to do the thing you are afraid of or talk about the thing of which you are ashamed. In other words, to take action - to do the thing which your fear or shame are wanting to stop you from doing. So, I must keep talking about my shame. Expressing it. Having understanding of and compassion for it.
I wrote some ideas down a couple of weeks ago about sex and punishment within relationships. I was feeling really angry and allowed myself to express that anger on the page. I was going to use it as an entry on this blog. But something stopped me: fear and shame. What I wrote isn't even hugely rage-full. But, still, I was afraid that, if people saw this expression of anger from me that I was so ashamed of, that they would not love me anymore. They would be so appalled and disgusted at my feelings and thoughts that they would 'unfriend' me on Facebook or metaphorically spit on me in the street. That's a strong reaction to have. To feel like my anger is so destructive it could literally turn people against me and make loving people behave terribly towards me. I feel sad that that is how I feel. That I have turned my anger inwards for so long that I have learned how destructive it can be so dare not turn it outwards.
And I realise that when I feel angry, I also feel young - like a child, or at least a teenager. I think my ability to express my anger in a mature, healthy way got stuck at that point - probably at the point where I learned for definite how futile it was. I think perhaps the final blow came when my stepfather had done something appalling and in a temper I said to my mum that I hated him and she just said 'I know'. I was so shocked. She seemed so defeated and in that moment, I felt defeated too. I gave up. I thought that anger was supposed to be a signal that something needed to change and that it gave you the energy to do what it took to change it. But if nothing you ever do about the situation you most want to change makes the slightest bit of difference, then anger becomes pointless and a feeling of helplessness takes over.
I used to think that walking away was giving up. That it meant I had somehow lost and that it meant I was useless. Now I understand that walking away from a situation that is unhealthy and unhappy, is a powerful, positive action for change and possibly the most healing thing you can do. I can therefore turn the shame of a broken relationship into pride for having enough self-love to do what was best for me - and probably for my ex too.
I also realise that I am ashamed of sex. I have been taught through myriad experiences, that my sexual drive, the sexual violence I have suffered, the sexual violence which others I love have suffered, the fact my ex would not have sex with me and simply my sexuality in general is something to be ashamed of. Well I'm tired of feeling that way. I believe sexuality is something to be celebrated and held sacred. Not used, abused or denied.
I am therefore going to face both my greatest sources of shame in one fell swoop. So, here, unedited, is my angry expression about sex, as written and hidden from view until now. Please be gentle!
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
*Red Moon - Miranda Gray
If I feel angry towards someone, I try to hide it because I feel like I'm doing something wrong - betraying them somehow by being angry with them. Perhaps it has to do with love: perhaps I associate anger with not loving and not being angry with loving.
I was asked recently if I thought I had allowed myself to be angry enough with my ex-partner. I do not think I have. I think I learned when I was young that being angry was pretty pointless because it did not make any difference to anything. My situation did not change; no one stopped my stepfather from behaving so awfully; and, importantly, I did not feel any better. I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. So what was the point in expressing it?
I felt the same way with my partner. I felt angry all the time in the end. And if I expressed it directly, it made no difference to the situation nor to how I felt. Again, I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. And within that situation I felt very disempowered and defeated so the thought of repeatedly trying over and over to express myself felt both terribly difficult and pretty futile.
I am finding this all very hard to write about. Shame makes me want to hide so writing about it and putting it out there in the public domain is downright painful! I can feel the urge in me rising to apologise for myself somehow - for the lack of flow in my writing or for the subject matter or anything. And with that realisation, I feel the funny side of it and also a lot of compassion for myself.
I remind myself of the wonderful lesson that the only way to move through something is to feel it; the only way to conquer your fears or not live in shame is to do the thing you are afraid of or talk about the thing of which you are ashamed. In other words, to take action - to do the thing which your fear or shame are wanting to stop you from doing. So, I must keep talking about my shame. Expressing it. Having understanding of and compassion for it.
I wrote some ideas down a couple of weeks ago about sex and punishment within relationships. I was feeling really angry and allowed myself to express that anger on the page. I was going to use it as an entry on this blog. But something stopped me: fear and shame. What I wrote isn't even hugely rage-full. But, still, I was afraid that, if people saw this expression of anger from me that I was so ashamed of, that they would not love me anymore. They would be so appalled and disgusted at my feelings and thoughts that they would 'unfriend' me on Facebook or metaphorically spit on me in the street. That's a strong reaction to have. To feel like my anger is so destructive it could literally turn people against me and make loving people behave terribly towards me. I feel sad that that is how I feel. That I have turned my anger inwards for so long that I have learned how destructive it can be so dare not turn it outwards.
And I realise that when I feel angry, I also feel young - like a child, or at least a teenager. I think my ability to express my anger in a mature, healthy way got stuck at that point - probably at the point where I learned for definite how futile it was. I think perhaps the final blow came when my stepfather had done something appalling and in a temper I said to my mum that I hated him and she just said 'I know'. I was so shocked. She seemed so defeated and in that moment, I felt defeated too. I gave up. I thought that anger was supposed to be a signal that something needed to change and that it gave you the energy to do what it took to change it. But if nothing you ever do about the situation you most want to change makes the slightest bit of difference, then anger becomes pointless and a feeling of helplessness takes over.
I used to think that walking away was giving up. That it meant I had somehow lost and that it meant I was useless. Now I understand that walking away from a situation that is unhealthy and unhappy, is a powerful, positive action for change and possibly the most healing thing you can do. I can therefore turn the shame of a broken relationship into pride for having enough self-love to do what was best for me - and probably for my ex too.
I also realise that I am ashamed of sex. I have been taught through myriad experiences, that my sexual drive, the sexual violence I have suffered, the sexual violence which others I love have suffered, the fact my ex would not have sex with me and simply my sexuality in general is something to be ashamed of. Well I'm tired of feeling that way. I believe sexuality is something to be celebrated and held sacred. Not used, abused or denied.
I am therefore going to face both my greatest sources of shame in one fell swoop. So, here, unedited, is my angry expression about sex, as written and hidden from view until now. Please be gentle!
The Safe Female
I'm wondering about women and sex.
I think perhaps that men, particularly if they have been through trauma and, most especially if their mother was distant, uncaring, rejecting or punishing in some way, have a desire to create a 'safe female' in their life. (I'm sure that this also works the other way round too with men and women creating 'safe males' or safe males or females in in same-gender relationships. I will refer to a heterosexual couple where it is the female who is made safe simply because that is where my experience lies).
In turn, if a woman has been through trauma in her life, particularly if she has suffered abuse, violence or abandonment by her father, she will also wish to become a 'safe female' (because she will want to keep herself safe from violence or abandonment in future - in other words, she regards these acts as being her fault).
Therefore, the man and woman both conspire to make the woman safe. And I think this is most especially the case with regard to sex - likely because sex is an obvious sign of issues in a relationship and also because the emotions and behaviours which arise around sex are very potent.
What I mean by safe is controlled. The woman allows herself to be controlled by the man sexually which then naturally leads her to being controlled in most or every other aspect of the relationship as well - so she is made safe. This is also particularly true in the realm of emotional control as, often and traditionally, women are seen as 'more emotional' than men.
Sexual and emotional control of women has a history - both in my family and in society as a whole. For hundreds of years our culture has made woman safe sexually - either by making her virginal or dominating her with violence. Or usually both. The innate knowledge of the body women have because of their cycles and their subsequent 'baseness' means they are much more in tune with the carnality of life and, therefore, also with the emotions. Women have been taught to remove themselves as much as possible from this connection (often through men) and that by doing so they are cleaner and more palatable - to men - rather than being the powerful beings they are and, therefore, dangerous to men (either because they are wild uncontrollable temptresses or because they are so powerful they dominate men in other ways: the abuser fearing abuse keeping his victim small so that he can continue to feel tall). I mean, tampons - who on earth invented them? Penis shaped clumps of dry cotton stuffed up inside our juicy womanly bodies to stop the 'foul' flow of natural blood from leaving as it was meant to - looking, smelling, being as it is meant to. Urgh! All those terrible adverts of women in white trousers on roller skates because these torturous 'conveniences' can make us feel 'normal even when we have our periods'? Double Urgh! We are supposed to feel different at different times: that is the whole point! We are cyclic in nature*.
Aside from that slight tangent..... I have experienced both types of control by a man sexually: violence and withdrawal. Both are deeply punishing forms of behaviour and both are deeply damaging to the psyche as well as the body. Let us take the violence first. If a man treats a woman's sexuality as something to be conquered and uses rape, domination, fear and other such tactics to control her he is trying to create a safe female: he is making her sexless. This is because he fears women's sexual power so much that he feels emasculated and needs to regain control again. He does this by forcing her to have sex. By doing so, he is keeping her in a state of fear of sex and is therefore controlling her that way. He is also, in his own mind, enabling himself to see her as sexless - a pure, maiden with no sexual power or desire. This is because he does not allow sexual union to take place unless he is the initiator - whether she consents or not. She is therefore a safe female and not threatening to his highly insecure sense of self-power.
A man who withdraws from sexual union within a relationship; who denies it to his partner under any circumstances - particularly if he has felt vulnerable in the relationship for any reason or that she has had the 'upper hand' somehow, and/ or particularly if he is resentful of her for any reason - is doing the same thing as the man who uses violence. I think this is also most especially the case if a woman has a strong sexual drive which the man feels threatened by - because for such a long time, our society has taught us that women 'should' be the more hesitant sexually in a partnership: that the man should be the one in control. The withdrawal allows him to regain his sense of control, his sense of being 'the man in charge', especially if he remains seductive but vague promises of intimacy go nowhere. Because then he can retain the sense of being able to reel her in, to seduce her, but also to keep her as the safe, sexless female his insecurity needs her to be.
And of course the woman is culpable in this if for no other reason than she allows it to continue. I have the utmost sympathy for any woman (or man) who stays in an abusive situation (and both of the situations above are abusive), having been in that situation myself. I know how painful it is to hang on with that terrible hope that things will get better and be 'like they used to' or 'like I imagine they will be if only we can get past....'. All of this is totally imaginary. The only way to make it better for yourself is to get out, lick your wounds and mend your broken heart. And work out enough of what was going on so that the next time you fall in love with someone, you are rather more savvy from the beginning about the potential dynamics of relationships.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
*Red Moon - Miranda Gray
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Commitment and Procrastination
Why can't I write today?
I am suffering my first case of 'writer's block'! It's so interesting!! I keep getting up and doing other things or reading articles. Supposedly in order to inspire myself to write something but in all honesty it's a distraction and I know it.
So...... Where does this procrastination spring from?
Well, it's actually rather hard to write about procrastination when you're stuck in the middle of feeling it! It's not altogether conducive to the flow - particularly when the cat keeps jumping on the table in front of the computer.
Generally, I think that for me procrastination springs from fear. Phew! Just saying that is a relief. Admitting the truth of the matter is always so helpful. So what is it I'm afraid of? My old friend 'Not Good Enough' has renewed contact with me. I can feel it in the tightness of my jaw and the long pauses in between typing sentences. Not Good Enough has sprung up this time in response to being told my writing is good - by several different people. Aaaaaargh! To think I might actually be good at what I love doing? That's just too much for Not Good Enough. There's no way I'm getting away with that without a fight.
Well, the only way I have ever found to relieve fear is to do the thing I am afraid of - to move through it and out the other side. And as I write, I feel the flow returning, the words coming more easily and naturally as they usually do.
And I feel sad that I have spent years of my life in procrastination, terrified of doing the things I love in case I'm not good enough. The fear of failure is also a terror of success. Because if people start to think that I'm good at something, that creates an expectation: one I must then continue to live up to. And what if I can't live up to it? What if, after supporting me, they are then left disappointed at my future efforts?
My mind whirls on in a plethora of negative self-belief that I cannot truly commit to my dreams in case I don't live up to others' expectations - or, more importantly, my own. And there is also the terror of investing in something only to lose it - because the fear of abandonment is so huge for me.
And this brings me to my difficulties with commitment. Because I definitely have them. And it's not that I can't follow through on anything at all because I can and frequently do. But when it comes to my work in particular, commitment is a huge deal for me. Sticking at something is very hard. I spent years in temp jobs for that reason - unknowingly. I thought I was just young and wanted freedom and never to be tied down to one thing: that to do the same thing every day or even just every week was boring and I needed variety. And that all seemed fine. But that has had consequences. And now, as I get a bit older, I realise how damaging the lack of routine and of any security has been for me.
And on the other hand, I have been so committed in relationships that I have stayed in them even when they were deeply painful or even abusive. Because the commitment was so important. And because I believed I had to stick out the 'rough times' - even though that's all the relationship was - at any cost.
I could go into the reasons for this behaviour and I certainly think it's important to understand where these patterns started and why they're there. But I feel like I do understand that. And it's no good keeping on saying that 'oh I'm like this because of what happened to me when I was a child' because I'm not a child anymore.
That's not to say I don't have huge compassion for myself - or anyone else who has had a traumatic childhood. I do. But sometimes a child needs to be taught discipline of self. And that is what I need to teach my inner child - to have the self discipline to sit down and do the work I so want to do and am simply afraid of. Because if I don't, the only loser is me.
I have been practising commitment in various ways in my life - such as writing this blog once a week and ensuring that I do sit down and write it (even when it's hard like today). And with friends I am becoming more committed to spending time with them more often and developing deeper bonds of connection and trust. That has already made a huge difference.
Only last night, I was with friends in a safe, healing place and feeling a huge amount - of fear, anger and pain. I had a sudden urge to simply run away: to leave my life behind and start anew somewhere else and to forget everything about my past. Then I looked around at the community of people of which I am a part and felt such love for them that I stayed. I realised that the whole point of life is to stay: to stay with yourself, your feelings, your life, your community. Because this commitment is what builds love and trust between people and within yourself. And there is nothing more worthwhile than that.
Love to you, always,
Lyra ♥
I am suffering my first case of 'writer's block'! It's so interesting!! I keep getting up and doing other things or reading articles. Supposedly in order to inspire myself to write something but in all honesty it's a distraction and I know it.
So...... Where does this procrastination spring from?
Well, it's actually rather hard to write about procrastination when you're stuck in the middle of feeling it! It's not altogether conducive to the flow - particularly when the cat keeps jumping on the table in front of the computer.
Generally, I think that for me procrastination springs from fear. Phew! Just saying that is a relief. Admitting the truth of the matter is always so helpful. So what is it I'm afraid of? My old friend 'Not Good Enough' has renewed contact with me. I can feel it in the tightness of my jaw and the long pauses in between typing sentences. Not Good Enough has sprung up this time in response to being told my writing is good - by several different people. Aaaaaargh! To think I might actually be good at what I love doing? That's just too much for Not Good Enough. There's no way I'm getting away with that without a fight.
Well, the only way I have ever found to relieve fear is to do the thing I am afraid of - to move through it and out the other side. And as I write, I feel the flow returning, the words coming more easily and naturally as they usually do.
And I feel sad that I have spent years of my life in procrastination, terrified of doing the things I love in case I'm not good enough. The fear of failure is also a terror of success. Because if people start to think that I'm good at something, that creates an expectation: one I must then continue to live up to. And what if I can't live up to it? What if, after supporting me, they are then left disappointed at my future efforts?
My mind whirls on in a plethora of negative self-belief that I cannot truly commit to my dreams in case I don't live up to others' expectations - or, more importantly, my own. And there is also the terror of investing in something only to lose it - because the fear of abandonment is so huge for me.
And this brings me to my difficulties with commitment. Because I definitely have them. And it's not that I can't follow through on anything at all because I can and frequently do. But when it comes to my work in particular, commitment is a huge deal for me. Sticking at something is very hard. I spent years in temp jobs for that reason - unknowingly. I thought I was just young and wanted freedom and never to be tied down to one thing: that to do the same thing every day or even just every week was boring and I needed variety. And that all seemed fine. But that has had consequences. And now, as I get a bit older, I realise how damaging the lack of routine and of any security has been for me.
And on the other hand, I have been so committed in relationships that I have stayed in them even when they were deeply painful or even abusive. Because the commitment was so important. And because I believed I had to stick out the 'rough times' - even though that's all the relationship was - at any cost.
I could go into the reasons for this behaviour and I certainly think it's important to understand where these patterns started and why they're there. But I feel like I do understand that. And it's no good keeping on saying that 'oh I'm like this because of what happened to me when I was a child' because I'm not a child anymore.
That's not to say I don't have huge compassion for myself - or anyone else who has had a traumatic childhood. I do. But sometimes a child needs to be taught discipline of self. And that is what I need to teach my inner child - to have the self discipline to sit down and do the work I so want to do and am simply afraid of. Because if I don't, the only loser is me.
I have been practising commitment in various ways in my life - such as writing this blog once a week and ensuring that I do sit down and write it (even when it's hard like today). And with friends I am becoming more committed to spending time with them more often and developing deeper bonds of connection and trust. That has already made a huge difference.
Only last night, I was with friends in a safe, healing place and feeling a huge amount - of fear, anger and pain. I had a sudden urge to simply run away: to leave my life behind and start anew somewhere else and to forget everything about my past. Then I looked around at the community of people of which I am a part and felt such love for them that I stayed. I realised that the whole point of life is to stay: to stay with yourself, your feelings, your life, your community. Because this commitment is what builds love and trust between people and within yourself. And there is nothing more worthwhile than that.
Love to you, always,
Lyra ♥
Monday, 4 July 2011
Shame, Sex and Alcohol
I had an experience at the weekend which I very rarely have anymore: I went to a pub!
I seldom drink alcohol myself and dislike the "let's all get as drunk as possible" ambience of most bars so I simply don't go.
It got me thinking about my relationship to alcohol and to people who drink however. To begin with, I enjoyed the evening and had a great time. As the night wore on however and most of the people around me got more and more drunk, it became less fun. Instead, I began to feel my sense of disgust rise. Being around people (particularly men) who are slurring their words, not even really knowing what they are saying, talking utter rubbish repeatedly, standing far too close or thinking you like the fact they put their arm around your shoulders when actually they look like they're going to fall over, fall on you or possibly vomit on you is not my idea of a good time to say the least!
In conjunction with disgust, it brings up a lot of fear for me too. It's the blankness behind the eyes - the knowledge that there is absolutely no reasoning with this person because they're not really there: they've jumped ship, abandoned themselves - and want you to deal with the mess that's left. As a child, my experience of alcohol was that adults drank it to have fun and sometimes they drank a bit too much but then they just went very soppy and told you they loved you more and laughed a lot. As a teenager however, this changed because my stepfather arrived on the scene. Instead, alcohol became something to be dreaded because it meant cruelty, emotional abuse, and him being in that abandoned, unreasonable state which was so terrifying. It also meant hanging around in or waiting outside pubs for him to have drunk enough so we could all go home.
As I got older, I went out - alone or with friends - to escape. I drank because I thought that's just what people did - I never questioned it - and also to numb the pain I felt. I danced in clubs for hours to release some of the pent up emotion which coursed through me at all times.
There are times I got very drunk and did things which I now feel embarrassed about - but in quite a gentle "ah the folly of youth" kind of way. However, there are also things which I feel shame about and these are harder to sit with and think about. Almost all of them involve sex. And this is not because I feel ashamed of having sex. It is because of the way in which I had it - and that had a lot to do with being drunk. It was all so terribly self-destructive. The complete absence of thought for my personal safety, never mind self-respect, when I look back on it now is deeply upsetting: it is a tragedy that I showed myself so little regard and abused myself with both sex and alcohol. For several years now, sex has been about making love - about expressing intimacy and loving connection with a partner in an emotionally connected way. Back then however, I really was a 'wild child'. If it had all been about free love and joyful connection, I would be ok with that (and of course sometimes it was). But mostly it was about trying to not feel so terribly lonely and unloved. And that's why the sex and alcohol went together: because drinking took me beyond my innate desire for love and respect and into connection at any price.
As I write, I feel the profound pain of that time and this grief washes away the feeling of shame, instead replacing it with tender compassion. I feel growing love for the part of me which behaved so badly towards myself simply because it was in such desperate pain - and was trying to express and voice that through 'bad' and 'shameful' behaviour. If, as an adult now, I saw a teenager acting this way, I would know something was wrong for them - that they were in distress. It is time to turn that insight and understanding towards my own inner teen and to show her the love and respect she so deserves.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
I seldom drink alcohol myself and dislike the "let's all get as drunk as possible" ambience of most bars so I simply don't go.
It got me thinking about my relationship to alcohol and to people who drink however. To begin with, I enjoyed the evening and had a great time. As the night wore on however and most of the people around me got more and more drunk, it became less fun. Instead, I began to feel my sense of disgust rise. Being around people (particularly men) who are slurring their words, not even really knowing what they are saying, talking utter rubbish repeatedly, standing far too close or thinking you like the fact they put their arm around your shoulders when actually they look like they're going to fall over, fall on you or possibly vomit on you is not my idea of a good time to say the least!
In conjunction with disgust, it brings up a lot of fear for me too. It's the blankness behind the eyes - the knowledge that there is absolutely no reasoning with this person because they're not really there: they've jumped ship, abandoned themselves - and want you to deal with the mess that's left. As a child, my experience of alcohol was that adults drank it to have fun and sometimes they drank a bit too much but then they just went very soppy and told you they loved you more and laughed a lot. As a teenager however, this changed because my stepfather arrived on the scene. Instead, alcohol became something to be dreaded because it meant cruelty, emotional abuse, and him being in that abandoned, unreasonable state which was so terrifying. It also meant hanging around in or waiting outside pubs for him to have drunk enough so we could all go home.
As I got older, I went out - alone or with friends - to escape. I drank because I thought that's just what people did - I never questioned it - and also to numb the pain I felt. I danced in clubs for hours to release some of the pent up emotion which coursed through me at all times.
There are times I got very drunk and did things which I now feel embarrassed about - but in quite a gentle "ah the folly of youth" kind of way. However, there are also things which I feel shame about and these are harder to sit with and think about. Almost all of them involve sex. And this is not because I feel ashamed of having sex. It is because of the way in which I had it - and that had a lot to do with being drunk. It was all so terribly self-destructive. The complete absence of thought for my personal safety, never mind self-respect, when I look back on it now is deeply upsetting: it is a tragedy that I showed myself so little regard and abused myself with both sex and alcohol. For several years now, sex has been about making love - about expressing intimacy and loving connection with a partner in an emotionally connected way. Back then however, I really was a 'wild child'. If it had all been about free love and joyful connection, I would be ok with that (and of course sometimes it was). But mostly it was about trying to not feel so terribly lonely and unloved. And that's why the sex and alcohol went together: because drinking took me beyond my innate desire for love and respect and into connection at any price.
As I write, I feel the profound pain of that time and this grief washes away the feeling of shame, instead replacing it with tender compassion. I feel growing love for the part of me which behaved so badly towards myself simply because it was in such desperate pain - and was trying to express and voice that through 'bad' and 'shameful' behaviour. If, as an adult now, I saw a teenager acting this way, I would know something was wrong for them - that they were in distress. It is time to turn that insight and understanding towards my own inner teen and to show her the love and respect she so deserves.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Monday, 20 June 2011
Avoiding the Fire
I have been avoiding writing today.
I'm not sure why because the thought of writing is actually rather exciting. But somehow, tidying up and mowing the lawn have been far more 'important' than sitting down at my computer.
When I find myself avoiding in this way, it usually means I am afraid of something: procrastination is a great defence against actually confronting/ doing/ feeling whatever it is. I know that since I joined Twitter and Facebook last week and made myself more visible, I have felt less inclined to write. The terror of being seen is so great that, even though this blog is anonymous so no-one actually knows who is writing it, I can still feel the fear of being judged, criticized, mocked or put down in some way.
I find it fascinating that my sensitivity about this runs so deep that, despite my anonymity, I am still afraid.
There is only one way to combat this which I have ever known to work. That is, to move through the fear by doing what it is I am afraid of.
Last week I wrote about anger and how I had decided to make anger my friend. It is amazing to me that it has already started to make a difference. I felt very angry over the weekend. After a while the feeling began to fade (as feelings do!) and I realised that I was trying to hold onto it: to stay feeling angry. And the reason for this was because I was not only enjoying feeling angry; I was reveling in it!!
Anger felt delicious to me! Wow! It coursed through my body, filling me with a sense of strength, power and a mindset of "I can do anything". (I can see how anger could be addictive!) In the mix was also a sense that it could descend into aggression because I could feel in my body something like "Grrrrr.... Get out of my way". However, the enjoyment of this fire was so great that the hint of destruction soon melted and instead I was simply left with that feeling of power. It seems to emanate from my stomach and liver, that power - the centre of my torso (or solar plexus chakra for those of us that way inclined). And also from my diaphragm - as if my body is giving breath to flames of passion that can erupt up and out into expression through my voice and arms.
I know I have kept that fire hidden for most of my life. Sometimes it has even seemed to have gone out for short periods. This past week in making friends with my anger, I have given life to that fire again. I have given myself permission to fan the flames and add more logs to keep it going. It is the fire that made me write today, in spite of the fear - in spite of the uncertainty of what I was running from and therefore what I could write about. It burnt up the fear and used it for fuel in order to find its way out and into the world.
It is my fire which has found its voice right here today.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
I'm not sure why because the thought of writing is actually rather exciting. But somehow, tidying up and mowing the lawn have been far more 'important' than sitting down at my computer.
When I find myself avoiding in this way, it usually means I am afraid of something: procrastination is a great defence against actually confronting/ doing/ feeling whatever it is. I know that since I joined Twitter and Facebook last week and made myself more visible, I have felt less inclined to write. The terror of being seen is so great that, even though this blog is anonymous so no-one actually knows who is writing it, I can still feel the fear of being judged, criticized, mocked or put down in some way.
I find it fascinating that my sensitivity about this runs so deep that, despite my anonymity, I am still afraid.
There is only one way to combat this which I have ever known to work. That is, to move through the fear by doing what it is I am afraid of.
Last week I wrote about anger and how I had decided to make anger my friend. It is amazing to me that it has already started to make a difference. I felt very angry over the weekend. After a while the feeling began to fade (as feelings do!) and I realised that I was trying to hold onto it: to stay feeling angry. And the reason for this was because I was not only enjoying feeling angry; I was reveling in it!!
Anger felt delicious to me! Wow! It coursed through my body, filling me with a sense of strength, power and a mindset of "I can do anything". (I can see how anger could be addictive!) In the mix was also a sense that it could descend into aggression because I could feel in my body something like "Grrrrr.... Get out of my way". However, the enjoyment of this fire was so great that the hint of destruction soon melted and instead I was simply left with that feeling of power. It seems to emanate from my stomach and liver, that power - the centre of my torso (or solar plexus chakra for those of us that way inclined). And also from my diaphragm - as if my body is giving breath to flames of passion that can erupt up and out into expression through my voice and arms.
I know I have kept that fire hidden for most of my life. Sometimes it has even seemed to have gone out for short periods. This past week in making friends with my anger, I have given life to that fire again. I have given myself permission to fan the flames and add more logs to keep it going. It is the fire that made me write today, in spite of the fear - in spite of the uncertainty of what I was running from and therefore what I could write about. It burnt up the fear and used it for fuel in order to find its way out and into the world.
It is my fire which has found its voice right here today.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Monday, 13 June 2011
I'm so bloody angry!
There is a rage boiling in my innards which threatens to erupt at any moment.
When I allow myself to think about what happened to my brothers and what happened to me at the hands of that filthy disgusting vile man there arises in me such fury and hatred it's frightening. So I don't allow myself to think about it too much - because I'm scared of feeling so angry. I'm scared of what I might do. And I also feel so impotent with it because there's no-one to direct my rage onto. He's gone from my life and I only have his memory to be angry at. And that's not enough for this fury - it wants to scream and punch and kick and scratch and beat to a pulp and destroy forever.
And I've done those things to the memory of him - to his ghost. I've imagined him there and have been so consumed with rage that I've gone cold with it: detached. Felt like I lost my humanity for a moment and become the monster I wanted to destroy. That was terrifying. And yet it was also a relief in a way. To know that I could; that I'm capable of being that way in my head but in reality I choose to be something different.
There's a scene in the fifth Harry Potter which always reduces me to tears - and which I also find comforting. Harry is talking to his godfather Sirius and is afraid that, after all the bad things which have happened to him, "something's gone wrong somewhere" and he's becoming more like Voldemort because he "just feels so angry all the time". He's afraid he is becoming 'bad'. Sirius responds by saying to Harry "You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things have happened to. You understand? Besides, the world is not split into good people and Death Eaters, we've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."
In others words, the fact that monstrous things have happened to us does not make us monsters.
I have held the belief that anger is 'bad' for a long time. This is what I learned as a child and what many of my experiences of anger - my own and other people's - led me to believe because they were so destructive. I have decided to experiment with a new belief - that anger is beneficial to me and to others. I do have some life examples to draw on for this belief but it is still scary to me. I am afraid of where it might lead me.
Because anger spurs us to action. It makes us end things and begin things. It is the cleansing fire with which we sweep our lives clear of what blights us. That's if we can listen to and act on that fire in a healthy, assertive way. I have passively allowed anger to happen to me or aggressively defended myself against it. Seldom have I felt able to harness and use anger to my advantage.
My hope is that if I can see anger as a good thing which is beneficial to me and to others, that when I feel angry I will no longer feel like something is wrong with me. I will no longer make myself out to be a bad person just for having a particular feeling. I will no longer feel I'm a bad person if someone else is angry with me (because I have 'made' them angry). I really hope that I will learn to be less afraid. Because I know in my head that anger is not bad, just as I know I'm not a bad person and there's nothing wrong with me.
Now I want to feel it in my bones and with all my heart.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
When I allow myself to think about what happened to my brothers and what happened to me at the hands of that filthy disgusting vile man there arises in me such fury and hatred it's frightening. So I don't allow myself to think about it too much - because I'm scared of feeling so angry. I'm scared of what I might do. And I also feel so impotent with it because there's no-one to direct my rage onto. He's gone from my life and I only have his memory to be angry at. And that's not enough for this fury - it wants to scream and punch and kick and scratch and beat to a pulp and destroy forever.
And I've done those things to the memory of him - to his ghost. I've imagined him there and have been so consumed with rage that I've gone cold with it: detached. Felt like I lost my humanity for a moment and become the monster I wanted to destroy. That was terrifying. And yet it was also a relief in a way. To know that I could; that I'm capable of being that way in my head but in reality I choose to be something different.
There's a scene in the fifth Harry Potter which always reduces me to tears - and which I also find comforting. Harry is talking to his godfather Sirius and is afraid that, after all the bad things which have happened to him, "something's gone wrong somewhere" and he's becoming more like Voldemort because he "just feels so angry all the time". He's afraid he is becoming 'bad'. Sirius responds by saying to Harry "You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things have happened to. You understand? Besides, the world is not split into good people and Death Eaters, we've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."
In others words, the fact that monstrous things have happened to us does not make us monsters.
I have held the belief that anger is 'bad' for a long time. This is what I learned as a child and what many of my experiences of anger - my own and other people's - led me to believe because they were so destructive. I have decided to experiment with a new belief - that anger is beneficial to me and to others. I do have some life examples to draw on for this belief but it is still scary to me. I am afraid of where it might lead me.
Because anger spurs us to action. It makes us end things and begin things. It is the cleansing fire with which we sweep our lives clear of what blights us. That's if we can listen to and act on that fire in a healthy, assertive way. I have passively allowed anger to happen to me or aggressively defended myself against it. Seldom have I felt able to harness and use anger to my advantage.
My hope is that if I can see anger as a good thing which is beneficial to me and to others, that when I feel angry I will no longer feel like something is wrong with me. I will no longer make myself out to be a bad person just for having a particular feeling. I will no longer feel I'm a bad person if someone else is angry with me (because I have 'made' them angry). I really hope that I will learn to be less afraid. Because I know in my head that anger is not bad, just as I know I'm not a bad person and there's nothing wrong with me.
Now I want to feel it in my bones and with all my heart.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
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