There is a rage boiling in my innards which threatens to erupt at any moment.
When I allow myself to think about what happened to my brothers and what happened to me at the hands of that filthy disgusting vile man there arises in me such fury and hatred it's frightening. So I don't allow myself to think about it too much - because I'm scared of feeling so angry. I'm scared of what I might do. And I also feel so impotent with it because there's no-one to direct my rage onto. He's gone from my life and I only have his memory to be angry at. And that's not enough for this fury - it wants to scream and punch and kick and scratch and beat to a pulp and destroy forever.
And I've done those things to the memory of him - to his ghost. I've imagined him there and have been so consumed with rage that I've gone cold with it: detached. Felt like I lost my humanity for a moment and become the monster I wanted to destroy. That was terrifying. And yet it was also a relief in a way. To know that I could; that I'm capable of being that way in my head but in reality I choose to be something different.
There's a scene in the fifth Harry Potter which always reduces me to tears - and which I also find comforting. Harry is talking to his godfather Sirius and is afraid that, after all the bad things which have happened to him, "something's gone wrong somewhere" and he's becoming more like Voldemort because he "just feels so angry all the time". He's afraid he is becoming 'bad'. Sirius responds by saying to Harry "You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things have happened to. You understand? Besides, the world is not split into good people and Death Eaters, we've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."
In others words, the fact that monstrous things have happened to us does not make us monsters.
I have held the belief that anger is 'bad' for a long time. This is what I learned as a child and what many of my experiences of anger - my own and other people's - led me to believe because they were so destructive. I have decided to experiment with a new belief - that anger is beneficial to me and to others. I do have some life examples to draw on for this belief but it is still scary to me. I am afraid of where it might lead me.
Because anger spurs us to action. It makes us end things and begin things. It is the cleansing fire with which we sweep our lives clear of what blights us. That's if we can listen to and act on that fire in a healthy, assertive way. I have passively allowed anger to happen to me or aggressively defended myself against it. Seldom have I felt able to harness and use anger to my advantage.
My hope is that if I can see anger as a good thing which is beneficial to me and to others, that when I feel angry I will no longer feel like something is wrong with me. I will no longer make myself out to be a bad person just for having a particular feeling. I will no longer feel I'm a bad person if someone else is angry with me (because I have 'made' them angry). I really hope that I will learn to be less afraid. Because I know in my head that anger is not bad, just as I know I'm not a bad person and there's nothing wrong with me.
Now I want to feel it in my bones and with all my heart.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
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