The Lie of Too Much

There is a huge amount of fear in my life. I live in fear on a daily basis.

I am afraid of being selfish, or being a doormat; of not being able to say no or not having my no heard; of not being able to say yes or having my yes rejected; afraid of commitment, afraid of drifting; afraid of attack and terrible things happening; afraid of never feeling 'alright'; afraid of saying the wrong thing; afraid of my own power and of other people's; afraid I will never find lasting love or have a family of my own; afraid I will never have financial security; afraid of anger, of being the 'cause' of others' anger or discomfort or sadness; afraid I feel too much or not enough….. The list goes on and on.

Some of it is primal fear, learned from experience and sits in my body, my guts, telling me to run or fight. It makes me wake up and it keeps me alive.

But a huge amount of it is mental anxiety and springs from my head. From the imagining of future possibilities full of terror, pain and despair. It makes me shut down and disassociate from the present. I have got better at spotting these anxiety spirals and soothing myself out of them but it takes work and practice and the tendency is still very much there.

I think much of it comes from believing I am 'too' something. 'Too sensitive', 'too emotional', 'too broken': 'too much'. Too much for others to handle or want to be around. And with that comes great swathes of shame and guilt. The 'oh no, I took too much space/time/attention/love there, I should have done xyz instead'.

And at times, I think I am too much for some people. We all are. That doesn't mean that I am wrong to be myself!! It just means that some people will take a step back in that situation. And I then have to feel the emotions of that. It doesn't mean I have to stop being myself. What a revelation!!!!! (To me anyway!).

I really don't have to stop being myself in order to make others feel comfortable. I simply need to tolerate the consequences. If I express so much grief or joy that some people back away, for whatever reason, (usually because they are afraid of feeling that themselves, but not always), I need to be able to accept the fact that this is their prerogative. And that I can choose to adjust my behaviour if I wish to but that I do not have to.

I don't mean that I have carte blanche to do anything I like and screw the consequences for others. I'm not talking about getting so angry that I hit someone and that's ok because I'm just expressing myself. 

I am, however, meaning heart-full, responsible self-expression. Being able to say 'I am so angry right now' in a way that is assertive and full of feeling but is not passive or aggressive. Being able to vent my grief by sobbing my heart out, free from shame. Being able to be deeply joyful in spite of any guilt which may arise.

I have been told not to cry at a funeral. I have been told I cannot laugh (about something totally unrelated) because someone else was experiencing grief. I have been told I cannot be angry because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable. And NONE of this is true.

And I have tried to manipulate others too into feeling, in particular, not angry because anger makes me afraid. I feel sad about that. But I wish to take responsibility for it so that I can change that behaviour. Because it is so linked with being able to stand up and say 'what you are doing makes me very uncomfortable. It's too much for me right now and I need to remove myself from this situation. Perhaps we can talk about this later or another day'. And I have so rarely been able to say this. I have thought that I had to accept whatever behaviour people have thrown at me because that's what 'being loving' is, not understanding that I was not loving them or myself because I was instead trying to cover up my real feelings (of fear) and instead trying to change them into feeling or being something else that was less frightening for me.

And I have had other people do that to me a LOT. Tell me (often directly) that I am wrong. That somehow in myself I am so wrong that I make other people deeply uncomfortable or unhappy. That it is all my fault. I have believed these lies for a long time and they have filled me with fear, guilt and shame. Made me feel unable to really be myself - the self who is full of feeling and has so much to offer the world. The self who is empowered and passionate and expresses herself heartfully and articulately.

Well, the tide is turning.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥