The Lie of Too Much

There is a huge amount of fear in my life. I live in fear on a daily basis.

I am afraid of being selfish, or being a doormat; of not being able to say no or not having my no heard; of not being able to say yes or having my yes rejected; afraid of commitment, afraid of drifting; afraid of attack and terrible things happening; afraid of never feeling 'alright'; afraid of saying the wrong thing; afraid of my own power and of other people's; afraid I will never find lasting love or have a family of my own; afraid I will never have financial security; afraid of anger, of being the 'cause' of others' anger or discomfort or sadness; afraid I feel too much or not enough….. The list goes on and on.

Some of it is primal fear, learned from experience and sits in my body, my guts, telling me to run or fight. It makes me wake up and it keeps me alive.

But a huge amount of it is mental anxiety and springs from my head. From the imagining of future possibilities full of terror, pain and despair. It makes me shut down and disassociate from the present. I have got better at spotting these anxiety spirals and soothing myself out of them but it takes work and practice and the tendency is still very much there.

I think much of it comes from believing I am 'too' something. 'Too sensitive', 'too emotional', 'too broken': 'too much'. Too much for others to handle or want to be around. And with that comes great swathes of shame and guilt. The 'oh no, I took too much space/time/attention/love there, I should have done xyz instead'.

And at times, I think I am too much for some people. We all are. That doesn't mean that I am wrong to be myself!! It just means that some people will take a step back in that situation. And I then have to feel the emotions of that. It doesn't mean I have to stop being myself. What a revelation!!!!! (To me anyway!).

I really don't have to stop being myself in order to make others feel comfortable. I simply need to tolerate the consequences. If I express so much grief or joy that some people back away, for whatever reason, (usually because they are afraid of feeling that themselves, but not always), I need to be able to accept the fact that this is their prerogative. And that I can choose to adjust my behaviour if I wish to but that I do not have to.

I don't mean that I have carte blanche to do anything I like and screw the consequences for others. I'm not talking about getting so angry that I hit someone and that's ok because I'm just expressing myself. 

I am, however, meaning heart-full, responsible self-expression. Being able to say 'I am so angry right now' in a way that is assertive and full of feeling but is not passive or aggressive. Being able to vent my grief by sobbing my heart out, free from shame. Being able to be deeply joyful in spite of any guilt which may arise.

I have been told not to cry at a funeral. I have been told I cannot laugh (about something totally unrelated) because someone else was experiencing grief. I have been told I cannot be angry because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable. And NONE of this is true.

And I have tried to manipulate others too into feeling, in particular, not angry because anger makes me afraid. I feel sad about that. But I wish to take responsibility for it so that I can change that behaviour. Because it is so linked with being able to stand up and say 'what you are doing makes me very uncomfortable. It's too much for me right now and I need to remove myself from this situation. Perhaps we can talk about this later or another day'. And I have so rarely been able to say this. I have thought that I had to accept whatever behaviour people have thrown at me because that's what 'being loving' is, not understanding that I was not loving them or myself because I was instead trying to cover up my real feelings (of fear) and instead trying to change them into feeling or being something else that was less frightening for me.

And I have had other people do that to me a LOT. Tell me (often directly) that I am wrong. That somehow in myself I am so wrong that I make other people deeply uncomfortable or unhappy. That it is all my fault. I have believed these lies for a long time and they have filled me with fear, guilt and shame. Made me feel unable to really be myself - the self who is full of feeling and has so much to offer the world. The self who is empowered and passionate and expresses herself heartfully and articulately.

Well, the tide is turning.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Loving Boundaries

It is hard to write again today.

I have struggled to keep my daily journal too the last few days. I can feel resentment about it and am rebelling against the feeling of 'have to'. I can be very stubborn and will resist 'have to' even if the have to is something I love to do, something which is good for me, something I want to do and imposed by no-one but myself.

It is my inner teenager denying authority, saying 'screw you' and living just as I want to right now in the moment and never mind the consequences. Just don't give me any responsibility even if I ask for it, want it or need it because I've got more than enough responsibility as it is.

And that's the key to it - responsibility. I felt so deeply responsible for everything which happened - from my father leaving onwards - and for everyone else's emotions, that feeling responsible for anything else has been more than I could bear. Including responsibility for myself. And now, I am practising daily not being responsible for other people and their stuff and instead being responsible for myself. To me, this means checking in regularly with how I am, what I'm feeling, keeping tabs on the thoughts running through my head and the story they are telling me - about myself or others - and expressing my truth. It is a place of deeper honesty with myself and has definitely been helped by writing this blog. Not only have I given myself permission to be absolutely honest in these posts, I have committed to writing a post once a week unless on holiday. That commitment has been wonderful for me. 

And now it is challenging. I realise that I decided to write this blog for myself but that the big intention was that it should help other people who found themselves in my position to not feel alone. Now I feel the rebellious teen in me rising up and saying No. Saying enough already with the responsibility! I don't want to help other people, I want to help myself! I wasn't made for this routine, this predictability, this steadiness! I grew in the spirit of chaos and that is what I know and need to feel normal. Adrenaline, insecurity, possible danger - gimme gimme gimme! All the dramas and traumas of life are mine and I need to be involved in them.

Oh, and that's it!! My teen was so afraid of being caught off guard that she immersed herself into the chaos. She became hyper-vigilant of everyone else because that's what helped keep her safe. She felt she had to be involved in what everyone else was doing and their dramas because that's what enabled her survival in a world of danger and confusion. The only time during that period when I actually felt like myself was when I was dancing or singing - and frequently did both very wildly (an outward expression of the inner chaos). Otherwise I was not at home in my own mind or body but was watching out for other people (in both senses of the expression). 

I can feel the pull in my body and mind towards this wildness and passion now and in many ways this is wonderful. And in others it presents the challenge of keeping myself safe. Because as a teenager, I never learned how to take care of myself or knew how to have proper boundaries, so I got into all kinds of situations which were distinctly unhealthy and at times downright dangerous. I was too involved in other people and their stuff to be aware enough of what I needed. Too bent on doing what others wanted rather than what my instincts told me was right for me. Too willing to be a people pleaser to be guided by the inner wisdom which was shouting at me from every cell. 

I feel very sad about this. 

And yet, here I am, alive and able to look at my past and learn meaningful lessons from it which can help me right now in this part of my life. So I can't help but also feel grateful for that sadness. Grateful to myself as a teenager for showing me what is good for me and what is not. And willing to stand up as an adult and say to my inner teen that this is a boundary between health and non-health. That keeping this commitment to write is important for our growth because it teaches that I can be expressive and creative in a safe, non-chaotic way. Because although I do make room in my life for chaos and messiness and think it is vitally important for health and creativity, I do not wish to live my whole life in that way. I also need structure and safety and the ability to set good boundaries. As an adult, it is important to be able to stand up and say No - to yourself as well as other people. No I will not let you off the hook this week just because you are feeling too predictable and afraid of the sense of security and safety that brings which is still a new experience for you. And it is important to be able to say Yes - yes I will honour my commitment, yes I will listen to my instincts and yes I will be deeply loving myself in the process.

Love to you, and to me,

Lyra ♥