Courage, Clarity and Compassion

I had a dream last night that I was trying to escape from an erupting volcano.

There was a river of lava and I was in a car with a curious collection of people - two characters from a soap opera I don't watch, a fearful father and his silent daughter and my friend's dog. We drove very erratically and in the end were attempting to drive through a fence in order to get onto a motorway so we could drive faster. That's when I woke up.

I began to interpret this dream as me running away from negative feelings - in particular anger - or of a powerful destructive force trying to take me over, which I thought was probably codependence as I have been struggling with and also gaining a lot of clarity on this this week.

However... It struck me that volcanoes are an elemental, primal force and I wondered if this dream had more to do with my ego running from the cleansing fires of my instincts: instincts which desire to destroy all the old rules and fears and leave instead new fertile ground, full of potential.

This idea felt right to me - it sat well in my bones. So I decided to meditate on it and visualise being in the lava flow. I had felt very strongly in the dream that I must protect the dog and felt that this represented my inner child - my vulnerable, dependent self. So, I envisaged myself holding both my inner child and my inner teenager in my lap - in a kind of protected bubble - while lava flowed all around us. I was grounded like a rock while fire streamed past. Then suddenly, I was the fire, my hair was white-hot flames and we became snakes swimming in the lava river. I felt deeply connected to myself and innately powerful.

This went on for some time until the lava flowed away, back under the earth, and we were left in a charred expanse - a valley with mountains - which was so fertile that lush meadows and trees sprang up almost immediately. I engaged with my inner child and teenager for a while - talking with them, finding out their pains and motivations.

I realised several things from this experience. My inner child is very trusting, honest, brave, wise, playful and eager to please. She is also very afraid and wants quite desperately to be looked after. My inner teenager is strong, dynamic, proactive, protective of others and passionate. She is also obsessed with men, sex and affairs of the heart to such an extent that it is to her own detriment. When, as an adult, I check out and, for whatever reasons, abandon myself, they take over and I display all those qualities. I am unable to simply be myself because I'll be obsessing about an attractive man and am so eager to please him that I do not consider my own needs. I am angry and terrified and use both emotions to keep away grief - or intimacy with another person. I am so full of fear and resentment that I procrastinate and am unable to function and do the things I know I both need and am capable of doing to improve my life.

I understand just how much I need adequate parenting from myself: to be the healthy mother and father my psyche needs; the role model, guru and wise woman that can lead my inner child and teenager from their stuck roles and back into where they need and deserve to be - in lush, fertile meadows where they are safe, secure and able to play, create, laugh and love to their hearts content, secure in the knowledge that they are loved, cared for and protected by a responsible, capable adult: me.

My brain truly feels like it has expanded: that new pathways have been formed. It is amazing to me that, in actual fact, "The brain begins to form new pathways purely by thinking"*. All it takes is courage to perform the steps necessary for them to grow: for us literally to grow in our understanding and connection with ourselves.

I feel that I can take a step back from the fear and anger inside on those days when these emotions threaten to be engulfing, as I now have a clearer understanding of where they come from. If I can talk to my frightened inner child or my wrathful inner teen and ask them why it is they've been triggered in this way, then I can have a better hold on remaining present and in charge - of staying the adult and not letting the 'kids' take over. That way, I can have more control over how I direct my life and where it is heading. And a lot more compassion for myself.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥




*Source: http://www.hypnotherapy-plus.com/#/making-new-pathways/4539053042

Avoiding the Fire

I have been avoiding writing today.

I'm not sure why because the thought of writing is actually rather exciting. But somehow, tidying up and mowing the lawn have been far more 'important' than sitting down at my computer.

When I find myself avoiding in this way, it usually means I am afraid of something: procrastination is a great defence against actually confronting/ doing/ feeling whatever it is. I know that since I joined Twitter and Facebook last week and made myself more visible, I have felt less inclined to write. The terror of being seen is so great that, even though this blog is anonymous so no-one actually knows who is writing it, I can still feel the fear of being judged, criticized, mocked or put down in some way.

I find it fascinating that my sensitivity about this runs so deep that, despite my anonymity, I am still afraid.

There is only one way to combat this which I have ever known to work. That is, to move through the fear by doing what it is I am afraid of.

Last week I wrote about anger and how I had decided to make anger my friend. It is amazing to me that it has already started to make a difference. I felt very angry over the weekend. After a while the feeling began to fade (as feelings do!) and I realised that I was trying to hold onto it: to stay feeling angry. And the reason for this was because I was not only enjoying feeling angry; I was reveling in it!!

Anger felt delicious to me! Wow! It coursed through my body, filling me with a sense of strength, power  and a mindset of "I can do anything". (I can see how anger could be addictive!) In the mix was also a sense that it could descend into aggression because I could feel in my body something like "Grrrrr.... Get out of my way". However, the enjoyment of this fire was so great that the hint of destruction soon melted and instead I was simply left with that feeling of power. It seems to emanate from my stomach and liver, that power - the centre of my torso (or solar plexus chakra for those of us that way inclined). And also from my diaphragm - as if my body is giving breath to flames of passion that can erupt up and out into expression through my voice and arms.

I know I have kept that fire hidden for most of my life. Sometimes it has even seemed to have gone out for short periods. This past week in making friends with my anger, I have given life to that fire again. I have given myself permission to fan the flames and add more logs to keep it going. It is the fire that made me write today, in spite of the fear - in spite of the uncertainty of what I was running from and therefore what I could write about. It burnt up the fear and used it for fuel in order to find its way out and into the world.

It is my fire which has found its voice right here today.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥