It's been a while....

It's been a while since I wrote.

I was poorly for a couple of weeks and being ill took me into a place of deep fear and grief. The fear was at times overwhelming and it covered every aspect of my life - it was not limited to the fear of 'always being ill and never really properly recovering'. I felt fear about everything - and in particular, I realise, when the everything related to doing anything. It felt like a stage of transition. Now my flu symptoms have gone, the fear has abated but it was fierce and terrifying.

To begin with, I was in denial about being ill. I had 'too much to do' and it was definitely the wrong week for me to be laid up in bed. And yet there I was. And I fought it all the way - until it was very kindly pointed out to me that that's what I was doing. I stopped and realised just how self-punishing I was being keeping myself in a constant state of extreme stress about feeling really ill and yet thinking that I had to be doing things so that, even when I was resting, I was agitated and full of guilt. Not the best internal environment for recovery from anything!

And I felt so sad. The slightest thing moved me to tears and I sobbed at least once every day (probably because I was being so self-punishing). I think it all stemmed from the feeling of deep vulnerability from being ill. Having flu is quite incapacitating and I think that to feel so very vulnerable was very challenging for me because I have a great many things to be dealing and coping with. Which of course is why I got ill - because I allowed myself to become run down from trying to do too much.

This flu has made me really see just how much I take on on a day-by-day and week-by-week basis. How impulsive I am when it comes to saying 'yes I'll do that'. And that, because I am passionate about many things, I have a tendency to try to be involved in all of them. And that the combination of that is totally unsustainable. I have been scattered and unfocused for a long time and it is exhausting. It has taken a bout of flu to make me see just how exhausting it is. And how much I want to bring some focus and clarity into my everyday life.

I have been longing for a while to have something to really get my teeth into. I have a choice of projects and could do so with any one of them. And I don't. Because I don't want to have to 'give up' my other options. And because I am afraid of the power I might unleash within me by focusing all my energy on one thing. The things I could accomplish!!

Well, you never know until you try so it's time to pick one of these projects - in actual fact it does not matter which because I think the what is not quite so important as the how and why. It's time to have a priority in life again - one that is beneficial and allows me to bring all my energy to it, all my passion and enthusiasm. It's time to surrender into a definite Yes.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

A Fresh Look

I have made a new discovery!

Over the last few days, the Universe has been conspiring to bring me to a place of understanding: of just how capable I am.

My energy has been up and I have realised just how much I can do in a day - without exhausting myself, without being self-punishing, without getting badly out of balance.

I have been, for a while now, feeling better than I used to. I still get days where I'm not up to much at all but they are much fewer and further between than they have been for a very long time. I have still been living in a mindset of fear when it comes to doing things however. I have been so afraid of doing 'too much' (whatever that means in the moment) in case I get tired. Because I am so afraid of being tired because of what it has meant for me in the past. Being tired meant being exhausted; it meant feeling ill and depressed; it meant not really having a life or feeling able in any way.

But even though now my tiredness is more at a 'normal' level (that is, I get tired from being busy - just like everyone else), it has been very hard to get out of the mindset of caution. I have spent days only doing one or two things because I have been so scared of doing too much and exhausting myself. I don't feel badly about this. I have at times kept a daily 'diary of achievements' to help me see that I can do things. It began with 'I got out of bed this morning'. And that really was a huge achievement. It was only a few months ago that doing as much as I have done today (a full day's work) would have been impossible - physically, psychologically and emotionally. I felt fragile and ill, as I had done for a long time. And anyone reading this diary a couple of weeks ago would understand that, sometimes, I still do.

Not every day however. Not anymore. My fear of being ill has not diminished though: until now. The last few days I have got so much done!! And far from feeling tired from it - I feel fantastic! I feel such a great sense of accomplishment. And this in turn has made me feel more confident, inspired and motivated to do more. I have balanced my days as far as possible - not just doing one type of thing (though today has been spent at the computer admittedly). I am attempting to rebuild my life in a way that maintains my health - that is sustainable on a personal level. And in terms of overcoming my fears, the last few days have taken me a giant leap forward.

It's been a long time coming and I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel :-)

Love to you.

Lyra ♥