Commitment and Procrastination

Why can't I write today?

I am suffering my first case of 'writer's block'! It's so interesting!! I keep getting up and doing other things or reading articles. Supposedly in order to inspire myself to write something but in all honesty it's a distraction and I know it.

So...... Where does this procrastination spring from?

Well, it's actually rather hard to write about procrastination when you're stuck in the middle of feeling it! It's not altogether conducive to the flow - particularly when the cat keeps jumping on the table in front of the computer.

Generally, I think that for me procrastination springs from fear. Phew! Just saying that is a relief. Admitting the truth of the matter is always so helpful. So what is it I'm afraid of? My old friend 'Not Good Enough' has renewed contact with me. I can feel it in the tightness of my jaw and the long pauses in between typing sentences. Not Good Enough has sprung up this time in response to being told my writing is good - by several different people. Aaaaaargh! To think I might actually be good at what I love doing? That's just too much for Not Good Enough. There's no way I'm getting away with that without a fight.

Well, the only way I have ever found to relieve fear is to do the thing I am afraid of - to move through it and out the other side. And as I write, I feel the flow returning, the words coming more easily and naturally as they usually do.

And I feel sad that I have spent years of my life in procrastination, terrified of doing the things I love in case I'm not good enough. The fear of failure is also a terror of success. Because if people start to think that I'm good at something, that creates an expectation: one I must then continue to live up to. And what if I can't live up to it? What if, after supporting me, they are then left disappointed at my future efforts?

My mind whirls on in a plethora of negative self-belief that I cannot truly commit to my dreams in case I don't live up to others' expectations - or, more importantly, my own. And there is also the terror of investing in something only to lose it - because the fear of abandonment is so huge for me.

And this brings me to my difficulties with commitment. Because I definitely have them. And it's not that I can't follow through on anything at all because I can and frequently do. But when it comes to my work in particular, commitment is a huge deal for me. Sticking at something is very hard. I spent years in temp jobs for that reason - unknowingly. I thought I was just young and wanted freedom and never to be tied down to one thing: that to do the same thing every day or even just every week was boring and I needed variety. And that all seemed fine. But that has had consequences. And now, as I get a bit older, I realise how damaging the lack of routine and of any security has been for me.

And on the other hand, I have been so committed in relationships that I have stayed in them even when they were deeply painful or even abusive. Because the commitment was so important. And because I believed I had to stick out the 'rough times' - even though that's all the relationship was - at any cost.

I could go into the reasons for this behaviour and I certainly think it's important to understand where these patterns started and why they're there. But I feel like I do understand that. And it's no good keeping on saying that 'oh I'm like this because of what happened to me when I was a child' because I'm not a child anymore.

That's not to say I don't have huge compassion for myself - or anyone else who has had a traumatic childhood. I do. But sometimes a child needs to be taught discipline of self. And that is what I need to teach my inner child - to have the self discipline to sit down and do the work I so want to do and am simply afraid of. Because if I don't, the only loser is me.

I have been practising commitment in various ways in my life - such as writing this blog once a week and ensuring that I do sit down and write it (even when it's hard like today). And with friends I am becoming more committed to spending time with them more often and developing deeper bonds of connection and trust. That has already made a huge difference.

Only last night, I was with friends in a safe, healing place and feeling a huge amount - of fear, anger and pain. I had a sudden urge to simply run away: to leave my life behind and start anew somewhere else and to forget everything about my past. Then I looked around at the community of people of which I am a part and felt such love for them that I stayed. I realised that the whole point of life is to stay: to stay with yourself, your feelings, your life, your community. Because this commitment is what builds love and trust between people and within yourself. And there is nothing more worthwhile than that.

Love to you, always,

Lyra ♥