I am avoiding writing again today. But today, the reason for it feels different. It's because I want to be seen!
I am feeling frustration at writing this blog anonymously!
This is an almost unbelievable shift for me. The desire to be visible has not reared its head often in many years and yet here it is, and it's strong. Stronger than the fear of being seen.
And actually, I find myself welcoming this frustration because what an amazing realisation it has brought me - that I wish to be seen more than I wish to hide in fear and shame. A more precious gift I cannot think of!
I have been finding it so fabulous in the last few days that I have been feeling joyful about my anger or fear for the simple fact that I am recognising them as the teachers they are and when they bring such beautiful lessons, how can I not feel joyful about the experience?!
I always find it fascinating to notice that you don't get something till you get it. That is, you can understand a concept perfectly well intellectually, but until it really sinks in, the knowledge in itself does little to alter your actual perception or behaviour. Then suddenly you get a little 'Eureka' moment and it's as if the lights have been switched on and... Ohhhhhhh - THAT's what everyone meant!
Lately I've been feeling as if I'm in a growth spurt with these little lights being turned on all the time about so many things, ideas, patterns and facets of my behaviour. I gain clarity about myself and my life on an almost daily basis and it is utterly inspiring. To have spent so much of your living in fear, to have the experience of your other desires outweighing it is totally, well, awesome. I literally feel in awe of it. And afraid it will go away! Afraid that I'm not 'up to the task' and will sink back into fear and invisibility.
The thing is, I probably will. But I get now that I move in cycles and spirals and waves: that nothing is constant and yet everything comes back to us - the good as well as the bad. So if I sink into fear again, I have only to move through it because on the other side will be something else. And, in my experience, the something else is wonderful.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Wow! I feel FANTASTIC!
I am feeling so much joy today I cannot contain it!
I almost feel guilty for feeling so happy! But instead, I am deeply enjoying the feeling of having my soul fly, my heart expand and my voice sing.
This must be the thriving I've been writing about moving towards. Yesterday, I made myself a bracelet to remind me to stay present to myself in each moment. So often my pattern is to abandon myself and exist for someone else - whether for a moment or for years. I finally feel and understand the damage this does to me and I choose to be different. I choose to be present to myself and stay there. As Byron Katie would say, what is going on for others is none of my business! My little bracelet has helped me come back to myself on a few occasions already - to remind me that I need only be present to myself and everything else takes care of itself (it is great to feel that I can give myself the help I need). Today I feel deeply present simply to what is. I've had moments of anxiety or sadness or concern for others but through it all, my joy has persisted. I suppose this is, again what Byron Katie would call, Loving What Is.
I have not read her work for some time but it feels like it has sunk in today! I feel highly motivated to help myself and others. I feel confident in speaking my mind. I feel so much love. And I feel, not just happy, but joyful - content and peaceful with how things are right now and not needing them to be any different. And yet also inspired to make changes and do the work required to better my circumstances - because this means being more fully myself. Rather than trying to change things simply because it would give me a better life, I have awakened to the idea that these changes will happen naturally simply by being myself - wholly, completely, actively myself. And anything and everything feels possible in that.
I choose to feel like this every day. Whether I feel sad, happy, angry or fearful, I choose to be fully myself in that. I see that I am capable and confident and energetic. I see that I am also lacking in all these qualities at other times. It does not really matter. What matters is the choice I make because that is what shapes my reality. If I can still love myself and be present to myself in those moments when I am so afraid I get stuck or so angry I shake or so hurt the pain and tears feel like they'll never stop, this is where joy comes from. Real inner joy. Not the come and go happiness that is reliant on external stimulation but profound joy which comes from inside me and can never be taken away - only temporarily misplaced by me when I forget to be present! I think maybe in the past I've been pretty forgetful!
Now all I need to do is keep remembering! And with my presence bracelet there to help, I know I can do it.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
I almost feel guilty for feeling so happy! But instead, I am deeply enjoying the feeling of having my soul fly, my heart expand and my voice sing.
This must be the thriving I've been writing about moving towards. Yesterday, I made myself a bracelet to remind me to stay present to myself in each moment. So often my pattern is to abandon myself and exist for someone else - whether for a moment or for years. I finally feel and understand the damage this does to me and I choose to be different. I choose to be present to myself and stay there. As Byron Katie would say, what is going on for others is none of my business! My little bracelet has helped me come back to myself on a few occasions already - to remind me that I need only be present to myself and everything else takes care of itself (it is great to feel that I can give myself the help I need). Today I feel deeply present simply to what is. I've had moments of anxiety or sadness or concern for others but through it all, my joy has persisted. I suppose this is, again what Byron Katie would call, Loving What Is.
I have not read her work for some time but it feels like it has sunk in today! I feel highly motivated to help myself and others. I feel confident in speaking my mind. I feel so much love. And I feel, not just happy, but joyful - content and peaceful with how things are right now and not needing them to be any different. And yet also inspired to make changes and do the work required to better my circumstances - because this means being more fully myself. Rather than trying to change things simply because it would give me a better life, I have awakened to the idea that these changes will happen naturally simply by being myself - wholly, completely, actively myself. And anything and everything feels possible in that.
I choose to feel like this every day. Whether I feel sad, happy, angry or fearful, I choose to be fully myself in that. I see that I am capable and confident and energetic. I see that I am also lacking in all these qualities at other times. It does not really matter. What matters is the choice I make because that is what shapes my reality. If I can still love myself and be present to myself in those moments when I am so afraid I get stuck or so angry I shake or so hurt the pain and tears feel like they'll never stop, this is where joy comes from. Real inner joy. Not the come and go happiness that is reliant on external stimulation but profound joy which comes from inside me and can never be taken away - only temporarily misplaced by me when I forget to be present! I think maybe in the past I've been pretty forgetful!
Now all I need to do is keep remembering! And with my presence bracelet there to help, I know I can do it.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Memories
I have been looking at old photos today. I have lost myself in a sea of memories and thoughts about the past. I am struck by two things in particular.
The first is the loss. My god, there is so much loss. So many loved ones who have passed away. Too many to count on both hands. And yet here they all are, smiling up at me from paper records of happy times. And that is the second thing: joy. There is so much joy in those faces and the memories they stir in me. I feel so lucky to have had so many beautiful, loving and inspiring people in my life.
And every picture which came up of my stepfather was met with a pang - of fear, anger, hate, sadness, disgust, shame.... So many feelings. And I am loathe to admit to the fact that at times when looking at pictures of my siblings, I was working out in my head whether it would have been taken before or after they were abused. The horror that brings up in me is so unbearable. To see the beautiful innocent faces of them as young children, knowing what was in store for them just a few years later.... The pain in my heart is, well, I don't have a word for how much it hurts.
I knew it would be like this. It's why I procrastinated about going through the photos for so long. I was scared about what it would bring up. But perhaps it is just time for these things to be felt. It is as if, every time I feel these things, a new layer of it is uncovered. A new depth but also a new release. The balance of pain and relief brings a kind of 'calm after the storm' feeling. I don't remember where the idea came from that you do not feel or experience anything you are not ready to feel or experience when it comes to healing. Perhaps that is true. With each day, I grow a little stronger and heal a little more so, when the pain comes, it is a little more acute each time - because that is what I can bear. But the relief from feeling and expressing that pain is also stronger. Wails of despair turn into huge sighs of gratitude. I am grateful that I am no longer in that despair on a daily basis. I am grateful that I Can feel - that I have not turned off my emotions because they are too much to cope with.
All of it somehow brings me closer to the truth. I know the truth of what happened and yet knowing it in my head and being able to admit it emotionally - to really feel it - are very different, I have realised. And each day such as today spent feeling the pain, really moving through it and coming out the other side into gratitude, is a day that is enormously worthwhile. Because each of these days brings me closer to myself, to my humanity, and closer in my connections with the people who matter most to me. And that is, to me, where true joy lies.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
The first is the loss. My god, there is so much loss. So many loved ones who have passed away. Too many to count on both hands. And yet here they all are, smiling up at me from paper records of happy times. And that is the second thing: joy. There is so much joy in those faces and the memories they stir in me. I feel so lucky to have had so many beautiful, loving and inspiring people in my life.
And every picture which came up of my stepfather was met with a pang - of fear, anger, hate, sadness, disgust, shame.... So many feelings. And I am loathe to admit to the fact that at times when looking at pictures of my siblings, I was working out in my head whether it would have been taken before or after they were abused. The horror that brings up in me is so unbearable. To see the beautiful innocent faces of them as young children, knowing what was in store for them just a few years later.... The pain in my heart is, well, I don't have a word for how much it hurts.
I knew it would be like this. It's why I procrastinated about going through the photos for so long. I was scared about what it would bring up. But perhaps it is just time for these things to be felt. It is as if, every time I feel these things, a new layer of it is uncovered. A new depth but also a new release. The balance of pain and relief brings a kind of 'calm after the storm' feeling. I don't remember where the idea came from that you do not feel or experience anything you are not ready to feel or experience when it comes to healing. Perhaps that is true. With each day, I grow a little stronger and heal a little more so, when the pain comes, it is a little more acute each time - because that is what I can bear. But the relief from feeling and expressing that pain is also stronger. Wails of despair turn into huge sighs of gratitude. I am grateful that I am no longer in that despair on a daily basis. I am grateful that I Can feel - that I have not turned off my emotions because they are too much to cope with.
All of it somehow brings me closer to the truth. I know the truth of what happened and yet knowing it in my head and being able to admit it emotionally - to really feel it - are very different, I have realised. And each day such as today spent feeling the pain, really moving through it and coming out the other side into gratitude, is a day that is enormously worthwhile. Because each of these days brings me closer to myself, to my humanity, and closer in my connections with the people who matter most to me. And that is, to me, where true joy lies.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
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