A Fresh Look

I have made a new discovery!

Over the last few days, the Universe has been conspiring to bring me to a place of understanding: of just how capable I am.

My energy has been up and I have realised just how much I can do in a day - without exhausting myself, without being self-punishing, without getting badly out of balance.

I have been, for a while now, feeling better than I used to. I still get days where I'm not up to much at all but they are much fewer and further between than they have been for a very long time. I have still been living in a mindset of fear when it comes to doing things however. I have been so afraid of doing 'too much' (whatever that means in the moment) in case I get tired. Because I am so afraid of being tired because of what it has meant for me in the past. Being tired meant being exhausted; it meant feeling ill and depressed; it meant not really having a life or feeling able in any way.

But even though now my tiredness is more at a 'normal' level (that is, I get tired from being busy - just like everyone else), it has been very hard to get out of the mindset of caution. I have spent days only doing one or two things because I have been so scared of doing too much and exhausting myself. I don't feel badly about this. I have at times kept a daily 'diary of achievements' to help me see that I can do things. It began with 'I got out of bed this morning'. And that really was a huge achievement. It was only a few months ago that doing as much as I have done today (a full day's work) would have been impossible - physically, psychologically and emotionally. I felt fragile and ill, as I had done for a long time. And anyone reading this diary a couple of weeks ago would understand that, sometimes, I still do.

Not every day however. Not anymore. My fear of being ill has not diminished though: until now. The last few days I have got so much done!! And far from feeling tired from it - I feel fantastic! I feel such a great sense of accomplishment. And this in turn has made me feel more confident, inspired and motivated to do more. I have balanced my days as far as possible - not just doing one type of thing (though today has been spent at the computer admittedly). I am attempting to rebuild my life in a way that maintains my health - that is sustainable on a personal level. And in terms of overcoming my fears, the last few days have taken me a giant leap forward.

It's been a long time coming and I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel :-)

Love to you.

Lyra ♥

Wow! I feel FANTASTIC!

I am feeling so much joy today I cannot contain it!

I almost feel guilty for feeling so happy! But instead, I am deeply enjoying the feeling of having my soul fly, my heart expand and my voice sing.

This must be the thriving I've been writing about moving towards. Yesterday, I made myself a bracelet to remind me to stay present to myself in each moment. So often my pattern is to abandon myself and exist for someone else - whether for a moment or for years. I finally feel and understand the damage this does to me and I choose to be different. I choose to be present to myself and stay there. As Byron Katie would say, what is going on for others is none of my business! My little bracelet has helped me come back to myself on a few occasions already - to remind me that I need only be present to myself and everything else takes care of itself (it is great to feel that I can give myself the help I need). Today I feel deeply present simply to what is. I've had moments of anxiety or sadness or concern for others but through it all, my joy has persisted. I suppose this is, again what Byron Katie would call, Loving What Is.

I have not read her work for some time but it feels like it has sunk in today! I feel highly motivated to help myself and others. I feel confident in speaking my mind. I feel so much love. And I feel, not just happy, but joyful - content and peaceful with how things are right now and not needing them to be any different. And yet also inspired to make changes and do the work required to better my circumstances - because this means being more fully myself. Rather than trying to change things simply because it would give me a better life, I have awakened to the idea that these changes will happen naturally simply by being myself - wholly, completely, actively myself. And anything and everything feels possible in that.

I choose to feel like this every day. Whether I feel sad, happy, angry or fearful, I choose to be fully myself in that. I see that I am capable and confident and energetic. I see that I am also lacking in all these qualities at other times. It does not really matter. What matters is the choice I make because that is what shapes my reality. If I can still love myself and be present to myself in those moments when I am so afraid I get stuck or so angry I shake or so hurt the pain and tears feel like they'll never stop, this is where joy comes from. Real inner joy. Not the come and go happiness that is reliant on external stimulation but profound joy which comes from inside me and can never be taken away - only temporarily misplaced by me when I forget to be present! I think maybe in the past I've been pretty forgetful!

Now all I need to do is keep remembering! And with my presence bracelet there to help, I know I can do it.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥