Scary Needs Safety First

This morning I woke up and was quickly drenched in fear.

A lot of past events ran through my mind and I felt the residue of them in my body. Hips clenched, my jaw was tight, arms wrapped around myself or hands holding the part of my body which felt most frightened.

Eventually I managed to get up and have some breakfast. I wrote my journal and realised that I felt exhausted and wanted to go back to sleep - if nothing else to have another hour of respite from feeling. Normally I would have overridden this: viewed it as a weakness and not something to be indulged when I 'should' be getting on with so many other things.

But today, I showed myself a bit more compassion and went back to bed. I slept deeply and now this afternoon I feel able to cope with the feelings which are coming up. They have moved to the background a bit which is why I feel able to write.

I am healing some old wounds - old wounds which have been exacerbated by more recent ones. They carry such huge shame and such terror and at times I feel as if I have reached my limits and simply cannot hold anymore. I think maybe that's where the sleep came in helpful. Being kind to myself helped me to let go. To not have to hold it all for a while by surrendering to sleep.

I still feel guilty for giving myself what I needed - after all, sleeping is not what I should be doing on a Monday morning! I should be out working like 'normal' people. Like healthy people. But that's the point isn't it. I'm not out there working because I feel exhausted quite often or simply unable to cope. It's hard to admit that. Because it's how I've been feeling for so long and I do feel a huge amount better than I used to. I'm just not quite 'there' yet. Not quite able to go out into the world - or at least feel huge terror about doing so because it feels so dangerous out there and I feel so inadequate.

And of course the more I do to heal myself, the more the fears and shame come up. Because the things I do to heal myself confront those feelings and bring them out into the open - instead of staying where they've been repressed for years. And I know this is a good thing and is healthy. It's just not easy!

I realised this morning that I felt very unsafe. Part of going back to sleep was about recovering a sense of safety: being in my bed where I feel safe and surrendering into that. I am typing this from my bed. Thank goodness the wifi is working today! I am going so deeply into my fears that I need to counter-balance this with really taking good care of myself. And allowing myself to sleep when I need to, eating good food regularly, really listening to what my body is telling me about what it needs.... these things all help me to feel safer because they help me to feel heard. Not being heard has been the source of much terror, pain, shame and anger for me (just as being heard is now scary). So I am giving myself the gifts I need to feel safe again; to learn to trust, at least in myself.

I need to be heard.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥