Why can't I write today?
I am suffering my first case of 'writer's block'! It's so interesting!! I keep getting up and doing other things or reading articles. Supposedly in order to inspire myself to write something but in all honesty it's a distraction and I know it.
So...... Where does this procrastination spring from?
Well, it's actually rather hard to write about procrastination when you're stuck in the middle of feeling it! It's not altogether conducive to the flow - particularly when the cat keeps jumping on the table in front of the computer.
Generally, I think that for me procrastination springs from fear. Phew! Just saying that is a relief. Admitting the truth of the matter is always so helpful. So what is it I'm afraid of? My old friend 'Not Good Enough' has renewed contact with me. I can feel it in the tightness of my jaw and the long pauses in between typing sentences. Not Good Enough has sprung up this time in response to being told my writing is good - by several different people. Aaaaaargh! To think I might actually be good at what I love doing? That's just too much for Not Good Enough. There's no way I'm getting away with that without a fight.
Well, the only way I have ever found to relieve fear is to do the thing I am afraid of - to move through it and out the other side. And as I write, I feel the flow returning, the words coming more easily and naturally as they usually do.
And I feel sad that I have spent years of my life in procrastination, terrified of doing the things I love in case I'm not good enough. The fear of failure is also a terror of success. Because if people start to think that I'm good at something, that creates an expectation: one I must then continue to live up to. And what if I can't live up to it? What if, after supporting me, they are then left disappointed at my future efforts?
My mind whirls on in a plethora of negative self-belief that I cannot truly commit to my dreams in case I don't live up to others' expectations - or, more importantly, my own. And there is also the terror of investing in something only to lose it - because the fear of abandonment is so huge for me.
And this brings me to my difficulties with commitment. Because I definitely have them. And it's not that I can't follow through on anything at all because I can and frequently do. But when it comes to my work in particular, commitment is a huge deal for me. Sticking at something is very hard. I spent years in temp jobs for that reason - unknowingly. I thought I was just young and wanted freedom and never to be tied down to one thing: that to do the same thing every day or even just every week was boring and I needed variety. And that all seemed fine. But that has had consequences. And now, as I get a bit older, I realise how damaging the lack of routine and of any security has been for me.
And on the other hand, I have been so committed in relationships that I have stayed in them even when they were deeply painful or even abusive. Because the commitment was so important. And because I believed I had to stick out the 'rough times' - even though that's all the relationship was - at any cost.
I could go into the reasons for this behaviour and I certainly think it's important to understand where these patterns started and why they're there. But I feel like I do understand that. And it's no good keeping on saying that 'oh I'm like this because of what happened to me when I was a child' because I'm not a child anymore.
That's not to say I don't have huge compassion for myself - or anyone else who has had a traumatic childhood. I do. But sometimes a child needs to be taught discipline of self. And that is what I need to teach my inner child - to have the self discipline to sit down and do the work I so want to do and am simply afraid of. Because if I don't, the only loser is me.
I have been practising commitment in various ways in my life - such as writing this blog once a week and ensuring that I do sit down and write it (even when it's hard like today). And with friends I am becoming more committed to spending time with them more often and developing deeper bonds of connection and trust. That has already made a huge difference.
Only last night, I was with friends in a safe, healing place and feeling a huge amount - of fear, anger and pain. I had a sudden urge to simply run away: to leave my life behind and start anew somewhere else and to forget everything about my past. Then I looked around at the community of people of which I am a part and felt such love for them that I stayed. I realised that the whole point of life is to stay: to stay with yourself, your feelings, your life, your community. Because this commitment is what builds love and trust between people and within yourself. And there is nothing more worthwhile than that.
Love to you, always,
Lyra ♥
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
I Deserve Good Things
I had a very meaningful realisation today.
That is, I understood that I have spent almost all of my life believing that I deserved to be punished. That I was bad, naughty or wrong in some way and so all of the bad things which happened to me were not only my own fault but that I deserved them.
I learned at a young age that anger, particularly male anger, equalled violence and pain. I learned that appeasing men - ensuring that they were happy, comfortable and pleased with me - was a way to protect myself from that violence and pain. I learned early that manipulating people, again especially men, so that they either would not get angry or, if they already were, would very soon calm down - or at least think it was not my fault so their anger would not be directed at me - was essential. Being wrong about anything (and therefore receiving any kind of criticism about anything, even if it's constructive) has been terrifying because it took me back into this belief that I was wrong and therefore punishment would soon follow. These lessons have stayed with me a very long time. And the belief that I was in control therefore of others' emotions was a part of feeding the belief that if they got angry and therefore I was hurt, that that was my fault and that, ergo, I deserved it.
It's very painful to see these things. But it's not anywhere near as painful as not seeing them. I have known for a long time that I was afraid of anger. And I have also known, though found it much harder to admit, that I have never really trusted men. I have believed that they are untrustworthy, unreliable, violent, cruel, dishonest, dominating and, in the end, will always let you down and abandon you. That they want only pleasure from women and, the minute they get something different, their true colours will show.
And that is what has manifested in my life so far.
The irony is that I have many men in my life - friends and family - who are very loving, kind, trustworthy, reliable, supportive, fun and honest! It's just that I'm always waiting for them to be something different so then I can say 'I knew it! I Knew that's what you were Really like underneath all the niceness!' because that is what I learned about men as a child. And that is a tragedy - for me and for them. Because rather than learning new lessons of what men are like based on all of the positive and wonderful experiences I have had with men over the years, my mind is still drawn to contemplating and anticipating the bad ones. I have been locked into a cycle of fear and violence in my own head that does not necessarily exist in reality. And where it has existed, it's because I've been drawn to - and stayed with - men who will give me that experience: because that maintains my perception of reality. And the possibility of being wrong about that perception is far too frightening because really trusting someone is far too frightening in case they turn out to be cruel, rejecting, cold and let me down when I have made myself so vulnerable by taking down my guard.
I am currently reading a beautiful and inspiring book called 'Ask and it is Given' by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It contains the teachings of a spirit being called Abraham who says we are all loved unconditionally and are here on earth in order to experience 'outrageous joy'. I like that part! Abraham talks about the 'Law of Attraction' whereby what you give attention to is what manifests in your life. If you desire lots of strawberries and focus on having an abundance of them, that is what you will get. If you focus on the lack of strawberries in your life, then that lack is what you will continue to experience.
I focused for a long time on the lack of loving connection with my former partner. And that is what I got. I have given my attention to the anger, rejection, fear and loneliness that has been present for me and for him over a long time period and so that is what was perpetuated. The lessons I learned of old that men were so unreliable, cold, and absent turned into my life experience.
I want to make something very clear here. That is, that I am not saying that it is actually my fault when men have behaved badly towards me - or that it's anyone else's fault when others' behave badly towards them. Some people choose to behave appallingly towards others and that is NEVER the victim's fault. What I AM saying is that, as an adult, I have chosen to perpetuate that suffering by holding negative beliefs about men. And that this belief draws me towards men who will in turn perpetuate that belief. And I stay with them and therefore choose to perpetuate my own suffering (because I choose to stay instead of leaving) because I believe I deserve that. I am being cruel to myself - and also to the man because I am one half of the pair which stays and so keeps us both locked in a cycle of fear, neglect, anger and punishment.
So I have decided to begin again. I am repeating mantras or affirmations every day in order to make me focus on something new and positive about both myself and my life experience and about men. Let's start with the one about men:
"Men are honest, fun, reliable, supportive, brave, loving, kind, trustworthy and passionate."
I find it's really helpful to think of examples where each of these qualities has been apparent to me already in my life. I have chosen a man I know and love to represent each quality because it helps make it more real and gives the mantra a stronger foundation. Same for the next affirmation on my life experience. I want to attract good things to I need to feel worthy of them (which of course we all are, we're just conditioned to think we're not) so it helps if I find examples in my life where I've already experienced these beautiful things to give the affirmation a more solid base.
"I deserve good things - abundance, love, health and joy are all mine to have for the asking."
A glint on a leaf just caught my eye: it's a green-bottle fly shining iridescently in the sunlight. It's beautiful. And its beauty makes me think how we are so often afraid of decay and hate flies and the like because to us they are harbingers of death and decay. But these things can be so beautiful! And if we think in terms of a deeply painful belief or idea which has plagued us our whole life, then its death is indeed not just beautiful but miraculous.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
That is, I understood that I have spent almost all of my life believing that I deserved to be punished. That I was bad, naughty or wrong in some way and so all of the bad things which happened to me were not only my own fault but that I deserved them.
I learned at a young age that anger, particularly male anger, equalled violence and pain. I learned that appeasing men - ensuring that they were happy, comfortable and pleased with me - was a way to protect myself from that violence and pain. I learned early that manipulating people, again especially men, so that they either would not get angry or, if they already were, would very soon calm down - or at least think it was not my fault so their anger would not be directed at me - was essential. Being wrong about anything (and therefore receiving any kind of criticism about anything, even if it's constructive) has been terrifying because it took me back into this belief that I was wrong and therefore punishment would soon follow. These lessons have stayed with me a very long time. And the belief that I was in control therefore of others' emotions was a part of feeding the belief that if they got angry and therefore I was hurt, that that was my fault and that, ergo, I deserved it.
It's very painful to see these things. But it's not anywhere near as painful as not seeing them. I have known for a long time that I was afraid of anger. And I have also known, though found it much harder to admit, that I have never really trusted men. I have believed that they are untrustworthy, unreliable, violent, cruel, dishonest, dominating and, in the end, will always let you down and abandon you. That they want only pleasure from women and, the minute they get something different, their true colours will show.
And that is what has manifested in my life so far.
The irony is that I have many men in my life - friends and family - who are very loving, kind, trustworthy, reliable, supportive, fun and honest! It's just that I'm always waiting for them to be something different so then I can say 'I knew it! I Knew that's what you were Really like underneath all the niceness!' because that is what I learned about men as a child. And that is a tragedy - for me and for them. Because rather than learning new lessons of what men are like based on all of the positive and wonderful experiences I have had with men over the years, my mind is still drawn to contemplating and anticipating the bad ones. I have been locked into a cycle of fear and violence in my own head that does not necessarily exist in reality. And where it has existed, it's because I've been drawn to - and stayed with - men who will give me that experience: because that maintains my perception of reality. And the possibility of being wrong about that perception is far too frightening because really trusting someone is far too frightening in case they turn out to be cruel, rejecting, cold and let me down when I have made myself so vulnerable by taking down my guard.
I am currently reading a beautiful and inspiring book called 'Ask and it is Given' by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It contains the teachings of a spirit being called Abraham who says we are all loved unconditionally and are here on earth in order to experience 'outrageous joy'. I like that part! Abraham talks about the 'Law of Attraction' whereby what you give attention to is what manifests in your life. If you desire lots of strawberries and focus on having an abundance of them, that is what you will get. If you focus on the lack of strawberries in your life, then that lack is what you will continue to experience.
I focused for a long time on the lack of loving connection with my former partner. And that is what I got. I have given my attention to the anger, rejection, fear and loneliness that has been present for me and for him over a long time period and so that is what was perpetuated. The lessons I learned of old that men were so unreliable, cold, and absent turned into my life experience.
I want to make something very clear here. That is, that I am not saying that it is actually my fault when men have behaved badly towards me - or that it's anyone else's fault when others' behave badly towards them. Some people choose to behave appallingly towards others and that is NEVER the victim's fault. What I AM saying is that, as an adult, I have chosen to perpetuate that suffering by holding negative beliefs about men. And that this belief draws me towards men who will in turn perpetuate that belief. And I stay with them and therefore choose to perpetuate my own suffering (because I choose to stay instead of leaving) because I believe I deserve that. I am being cruel to myself - and also to the man because I am one half of the pair which stays and so keeps us both locked in a cycle of fear, neglect, anger and punishment.
So I have decided to begin again. I am repeating mantras or affirmations every day in order to make me focus on something new and positive about both myself and my life experience and about men. Let's start with the one about men:
"Men are honest, fun, reliable, supportive, brave, loving, kind, trustworthy and passionate."
I find it's really helpful to think of examples where each of these qualities has been apparent to me already in my life. I have chosen a man I know and love to represent each quality because it helps make it more real and gives the mantra a stronger foundation. Same for the next affirmation on my life experience. I want to attract good things to I need to feel worthy of them (which of course we all are, we're just conditioned to think we're not) so it helps if I find examples in my life where I've already experienced these beautiful things to give the affirmation a more solid base.
"I deserve good things - abundance, love, health and joy are all mine to have for the asking."
A glint on a leaf just caught my eye: it's a green-bottle fly shining iridescently in the sunlight. It's beautiful. And its beauty makes me think how we are so often afraid of decay and hate flies and the like because to us they are harbingers of death and decay. But these things can be so beautiful! And if we think in terms of a deeply painful belief or idea which has plagued us our whole life, then its death is indeed not just beautiful but miraculous.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
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