It's been a while....

It's been a while since I wrote.

I was poorly for a couple of weeks and being ill took me into a place of deep fear and grief. The fear was at times overwhelming and it covered every aspect of my life - it was not limited to the fear of 'always being ill and never really properly recovering'. I felt fear about everything - and in particular, I realise, when the everything related to doing anything. It felt like a stage of transition. Now my flu symptoms have gone, the fear has abated but it was fierce and terrifying.

To begin with, I was in denial about being ill. I had 'too much to do' and it was definitely the wrong week for me to be laid up in bed. And yet there I was. And I fought it all the way - until it was very kindly pointed out to me that that's what I was doing. I stopped and realised just how self-punishing I was being keeping myself in a constant state of extreme stress about feeling really ill and yet thinking that I had to be doing things so that, even when I was resting, I was agitated and full of guilt. Not the best internal environment for recovery from anything!

And I felt so sad. The slightest thing moved me to tears and I sobbed at least once every day (probably because I was being so self-punishing). I think it all stemmed from the feeling of deep vulnerability from being ill. Having flu is quite incapacitating and I think that to feel so very vulnerable was very challenging for me because I have a great many things to be dealing and coping with. Which of course is why I got ill - because I allowed myself to become run down from trying to do too much.

This flu has made me really see just how much I take on on a day-by-day and week-by-week basis. How impulsive I am when it comes to saying 'yes I'll do that'. And that, because I am passionate about many things, I have a tendency to try to be involved in all of them. And that the combination of that is totally unsustainable. I have been scattered and unfocused for a long time and it is exhausting. It has taken a bout of flu to make me see just how exhausting it is. And how much I want to bring some focus and clarity into my everyday life.

I have been longing for a while to have something to really get my teeth into. I have a choice of projects and could do so with any one of them. And I don't. Because I don't want to have to 'give up' my other options. And because I am afraid of the power I might unleash within me by focusing all my energy on one thing. The things I could accomplish!!

Well, you never know until you try so it's time to pick one of these projects - in actual fact it does not matter which because I think the what is not quite so important as the how and why. It's time to have a priority in life again - one that is beneficial and allows me to bring all my energy to it, all my passion and enthusiasm. It's time to surrender into a definite Yes.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Guilt and Punishment

Yesterday was rather challenging.

I felt very tired, grumpy, upset, stressed, unable to concentrate and, on top of that, guilty about feeling that way because it meant I wasn't very 'productive'.

On a wider, sociological point, I can see that our society is programmed to make us as productive as possible from as young an age as possible to as old an age as possible. To make us 'economically viable' for the greatest time period we can be. You can see it on the simple things such as adverts for cold and flu remedies which tell you that if you're sick, you must be able to keep going anyway; the way that people who claim benefits are far too readily labelled as 'scroungers' (particularly by the current government); and the way that if you are a martyr who constantly gives, gives, gives and takes nothing in return then you are lauded and applauded - no matter if doing so makes you ill, it's important that you keep going and keep giving.

So what of the personal origins of this guilt for me?

This morning, I slept through my alarm and so the guilt continued. I actually felt guilty about the fact that I slept a little longer than some random, self-imposed time I should be getting up, despite the fact I had nothing in particular to get up for and could actually have laid in bed all day if I really wanted to.

I realised that it's all about self-punishment. And, I'm fairly sure, links with an addiction to an adrenalised state of being (the theory that if you grow up or live for a long time in an abusive situation, your body becomes normalised to being adrenalised and then is addicted to adrenaline. You will then seek out ways to perpetuate this state of being, whether by thrill-seeking, constant recourse to conflict, or simply by maintaining a high level of stress in your life). So, if I'm stressed about even lying in bed when I'm tired, then even when I'm outwardly resting, adrenaline is working its addictive magic on me. So, guilt is the brain's clever way of getting another fix! Induce a state of stress on the body by providing sufficient mental anxiety, even when there is no real reason for it, and adrenaline will be your reward!

Last week I was working solidly on other projects: I worked and slept and that was pretty much it. It was a highly productive time and very tiring. And yet, I still managed to feel guilty for not writing my blog! And if I'm writing, I feel guilty I'm not doing the washing up or vacuuming. And if I'm doing that, I feel guilty I'm not working on something else or doing one of the who knows how many little unfinished, self-imposed tasks I could be doing. It's a form of insanity because it makes me feel constantly crazy, anxious and unsettled.

What is all this guilt about?

It is definitely about self-punishment. Because it is about not allowing myself to fully enjoy or be absorbed in anything. It's about maintaining a level of stress in my body and mind. And I've been choosing to live in a stressful, self-punishing way for a long time. You can see it in my environment - all the unfinished tasks and clutter - the partners I choose who are always in some way unavailable, the career paths I follow or don't follow, the financial situation I keep myself in.....

Why? Why do I think I deserve all this terrible punishment? Why do I think I'm so unworthy of what I really want, never mind what I really need?

I think that I'm punishing myself for not speaking up about my stepfather when I first found out about him all those years ago. And I think I'm also punishing myself for 'being so bad that I drove my dad to leave'.

I can feel the terrible rawness of these truths scraping at my heart. It's a terrible wound to bear - and I'm punishing myself for having it.

I can feel the anguish of a teenager who was so afraid and angry she did not know what to do and so did what she had been taught for many years - stay silent and do nothing: hide your pain. I can feel the suffering of a little girl who blamed herself for the fact her daddy had left her.

And I can feel this anguish and suffering in so many of my decisions over the years which have kept me in a place of disempowerment and stress. I can feel it in the desperate need to feel like I'm good enough. I can feel it in the torture that is making decisions of any kind because committing to one path could result in further guilt and self-punishment if I'm 'wrong'. And I can feel it in the fact that I consider myself so unworthy of time that I cannot even rest when I'm tired without feeling guilty.

I can feel an immediate drive to provide myself with affirmation of how worthy I am and the fact I deserve good things. To show myself compassion. But I realise, that compassion starts with acceptance. And I need to sit with this new way of seeing for a while in order to really accept it. To give this wound the attention it so sorely needs.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥