A Fresh Look

I have made a new discovery!

Over the last few days, the Universe has been conspiring to bring me to a place of understanding: of just how capable I am.

My energy has been up and I have realised just how much I can do in a day - without exhausting myself, without being self-punishing, without getting badly out of balance.

I have been, for a while now, feeling better than I used to. I still get days where I'm not up to much at all but they are much fewer and further between than they have been for a very long time. I have still been living in a mindset of fear when it comes to doing things however. I have been so afraid of doing 'too much' (whatever that means in the moment) in case I get tired. Because I am so afraid of being tired because of what it has meant for me in the past. Being tired meant being exhausted; it meant feeling ill and depressed; it meant not really having a life or feeling able in any way.

But even though now my tiredness is more at a 'normal' level (that is, I get tired from being busy - just like everyone else), it has been very hard to get out of the mindset of caution. I have spent days only doing one or two things because I have been so scared of doing too much and exhausting myself. I don't feel badly about this. I have at times kept a daily 'diary of achievements' to help me see that I can do things. It began with 'I got out of bed this morning'. And that really was a huge achievement. It was only a few months ago that doing as much as I have done today (a full day's work) would have been impossible - physically, psychologically and emotionally. I felt fragile and ill, as I had done for a long time. And anyone reading this diary a couple of weeks ago would understand that, sometimes, I still do.

Not every day however. Not anymore. My fear of being ill has not diminished though: until now. The last few days I have got so much done!! And far from feeling tired from it - I feel fantastic! I feel such a great sense of accomplishment. And this in turn has made me feel more confident, inspired and motivated to do more. I have balanced my days as far as possible - not just doing one type of thing (though today has been spent at the computer admittedly). I am attempting to rebuild my life in a way that maintains my health - that is sustainable on a personal level. And in terms of overcoming my fears, the last few days have taken me a giant leap forward.

It's been a long time coming and I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel :-)

Love to you.

Lyra ♥

Change is Gonna Come

"Ideas that enter the mind under fire remain there securely and for ever." -Leon Trotsky, revolutionary and writer (1879-1940)

I read this quote this morning and found myself understanding it in two rather different ways. 

The first is that when we are in pain or have suffered in some way, the lessons we learn at those moments tend to stay with us. These are insights which are hard won and so we do not easily forget them. So far so good.

However, it is Trotsky's use of the word 'ideas' which I found rather more bleak. If you grow up in a household in which there is abuse of any kind, you are constantly 'under fire'. You are also constantly learning lessons - mainly in how to survive. The thought that these ideas we learn - about ourselves and the world around us - will remain in our minds 'securely and forever' is, to me, a rather depressing one! It is also untrue.

I learned from my upbringing to be a certain way and had many ideas in my head about who I was, what the world was like, who I could trust, what I felt I deserved, what I needed, how I felt about things....... Many of these ideas entered my mind under the fire of an absent father, an abusive, alcoholic stepfather and a depressed, vulnerable mother (and that of wider familial and social conditioning). I learned that women were passive and men were in control of things; that I should always put others needs before my own; that it was more important to please men than myself; and that my natural inclinations, emotions and sensitivities were somehow abnormal.

The thought that these ideas might stay securely with me forever is truly horrific!

I have begun to learn that they are not true but these beliefs still haunt me on a daily basis in different ways. I have to believe that Trotsky was wrong about this to keep the hope alive in my heart that I can change - that my ideas about myself and the world can change - for the better.

I suppose I already have proved to myself that I can change for the better and that the ideas I learned as a child about who I am are not all true. The ideas which have taken their place have been learned and are still being learned under the tutelage of self-care and self-love. These insights come gently and repetitively until they sink into the essence of my being and become a part of me. They take their time and even when they come to me suddenly, they do not hit me with a bang but instead expand my heart and mind to make room for themselves. They are infinitely more precious lessons than any I have learned before and these are the ones which I know will stay with me for life - securely and forever.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥