What a difference a week makes...

I have realised just how cyclical a creature I am.

It started from reading Miranda Gray's Red Moon. I began keeping a chart of my menstrual cycle including how I feel each day, what my energy is like, what dreams I have.... it's been so revealing to me. And so infinitely helpful. To understand that when I feel low, this will change and, aside from life events, it is often due to where in my cycle I am, is wonderful because it makes me feel like I am in charge again. At least, that's how I feel today!

I have been struggling deeply with my sense of identity - of myself as a woman and what that means. This cycle chart has been very beneficial in that journey. It has helped me to understand that I am different people at different times - and that that is totally natural. It is simply how my nature works as a woman. At times I am soft, vulnerable, sad and withdrawn; at others I am wild, passionate and sexy; and at still others I am strong, focused and logical. How wonderful to feel that all of this is at my fingertips! How amazing to know that I am capable of being all of these things - and I definitely am because I have already been all of those things!

I have a tendency, like many others who have suffered trauma, to look at my past and see the bad in myself. To go over and over the things I have done wrong and regret or have suffered. Which of course only serves to prolong the pattern of suffering - but which must be gone through like any other part of the healing process.

More and more however, I am looking at the good stuff - and actually, there is a lot of it! There are many more times I have done the right thing than the wrong; been kind rather than unkind; had beautiful, connecting, loving times rather than ones full of fear, conflict and trauma (particularly more recently).

I am learning that men CAN be trustworthy, kind and honest. Probably because I am learning just how much that is true of me too! And I feel that, because of that, I am inviting more positive experiences into my life of men being kind, trustworthy and honest. I feel, possibly for the first time in my life, that I am really rooting for myself: that I am showing up and giving myself what I need and that that is giving me daily more strength and courage to face my fears than I have ever had.

And I am still terrified of going out into the world and still feel shame about the fact that I have been withdrawn from it for so long - particularly with regard to the world of work and career. But each day that passes, the fear of NOT going out into the world and the consequences of that become a little bigger and the fear of going out into the world lessens as I learn through new experiences that going out there can be a beautiful, joyful thing to do that nourishes and connects me. And learning that in a social context first is very helpful: it allows me to realise my worth as a person which naturally makes me begin to think that I am also worthy of achieving my dreams. In particular, my dream of earning a good living doing what I love. A vital part of moving from surviving into thriving.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥