A Fresh Look

I have made a new discovery!

Over the last few days, the Universe has been conspiring to bring me to a place of understanding: of just how capable I am.

My energy has been up and I have realised just how much I can do in a day - without exhausting myself, without being self-punishing, without getting badly out of balance.

I have been, for a while now, feeling better than I used to. I still get days where I'm not up to much at all but they are much fewer and further between than they have been for a very long time. I have still been living in a mindset of fear when it comes to doing things however. I have been so afraid of doing 'too much' (whatever that means in the moment) in case I get tired. Because I am so afraid of being tired because of what it has meant for me in the past. Being tired meant being exhausted; it meant feeling ill and depressed; it meant not really having a life or feeling able in any way.

But even though now my tiredness is more at a 'normal' level (that is, I get tired from being busy - just like everyone else), it has been very hard to get out of the mindset of caution. I have spent days only doing one or two things because I have been so scared of doing too much and exhausting myself. I don't feel badly about this. I have at times kept a daily 'diary of achievements' to help me see that I can do things. It began with 'I got out of bed this morning'. And that really was a huge achievement. It was only a few months ago that doing as much as I have done today (a full day's work) would have been impossible - physically, psychologically and emotionally. I felt fragile and ill, as I had done for a long time. And anyone reading this diary a couple of weeks ago would understand that, sometimes, I still do.

Not every day however. Not anymore. My fear of being ill has not diminished though: until now. The last few days I have got so much done!! And far from feeling tired from it - I feel fantastic! I feel such a great sense of accomplishment. And this in turn has made me feel more confident, inspired and motivated to do more. I have balanced my days as far as possible - not just doing one type of thing (though today has been spent at the computer admittedly). I am attempting to rebuild my life in a way that maintains my health - that is sustainable on a personal level. And in terms of overcoming my fears, the last few days have taken me a giant leap forward.

It's been a long time coming and I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel :-)

Love to you.

Lyra ♥

Loving Boundaries

It is hard to write again today.

I have struggled to keep my daily journal too the last few days. I can feel resentment about it and am rebelling against the feeling of 'have to'. I can be very stubborn and will resist 'have to' even if the have to is something I love to do, something which is good for me, something I want to do and imposed by no-one but myself.

It is my inner teenager denying authority, saying 'screw you' and living just as I want to right now in the moment and never mind the consequences. Just don't give me any responsibility even if I ask for it, want it or need it because I've got more than enough responsibility as it is.

And that's the key to it - responsibility. I felt so deeply responsible for everything which happened - from my father leaving onwards - and for everyone else's emotions, that feeling responsible for anything else has been more than I could bear. Including responsibility for myself. And now, I am practising daily not being responsible for other people and their stuff and instead being responsible for myself. To me, this means checking in regularly with how I am, what I'm feeling, keeping tabs on the thoughts running through my head and the story they are telling me - about myself or others - and expressing my truth. It is a place of deeper honesty with myself and has definitely been helped by writing this blog. Not only have I given myself permission to be absolutely honest in these posts, I have committed to writing a post once a week unless on holiday. That commitment has been wonderful for me. 

And now it is challenging. I realise that I decided to write this blog for myself but that the big intention was that it should help other people who found themselves in my position to not feel alone. Now I feel the rebellious teen in me rising up and saying No. Saying enough already with the responsibility! I don't want to help other people, I want to help myself! I wasn't made for this routine, this predictability, this steadiness! I grew in the spirit of chaos and that is what I know and need to feel normal. Adrenaline, insecurity, possible danger - gimme gimme gimme! All the dramas and traumas of life are mine and I need to be involved in them.

Oh, and that's it!! My teen was so afraid of being caught off guard that she immersed herself into the chaos. She became hyper-vigilant of everyone else because that's what helped keep her safe. She felt she had to be involved in what everyone else was doing and their dramas because that's what enabled her survival in a world of danger and confusion. The only time during that period when I actually felt like myself was when I was dancing or singing - and frequently did both very wildly (an outward expression of the inner chaos). Otherwise I was not at home in my own mind or body but was watching out for other people (in both senses of the expression). 

I can feel the pull in my body and mind towards this wildness and passion now and in many ways this is wonderful. And in others it presents the challenge of keeping myself safe. Because as a teenager, I never learned how to take care of myself or knew how to have proper boundaries, so I got into all kinds of situations which were distinctly unhealthy and at times downright dangerous. I was too involved in other people and their stuff to be aware enough of what I needed. Too bent on doing what others wanted rather than what my instincts told me was right for me. Too willing to be a people pleaser to be guided by the inner wisdom which was shouting at me from every cell. 

I feel very sad about this. 

And yet, here I am, alive and able to look at my past and learn meaningful lessons from it which can help me right now in this part of my life. So I can't help but also feel grateful for that sadness. Grateful to myself as a teenager for showing me what is good for me and what is not. And willing to stand up as an adult and say to my inner teen that this is a boundary between health and non-health. That keeping this commitment to write is important for our growth because it teaches that I can be expressive and creative in a safe, non-chaotic way. Because although I do make room in my life for chaos and messiness and think it is vitally important for health and creativity, I do not wish to live my whole life in that way. I also need structure and safety and the ability to set good boundaries. As an adult, it is important to be able to stand up and say No - to yourself as well as other people. No I will not let you off the hook this week just because you are feeling too predictable and afraid of the sense of security and safety that brings which is still a new experience for you. And it is important to be able to say Yes - yes I will honour my commitment, yes I will listen to my instincts and yes I will be deeply loving myself in the process.

Love to you, and to me,

Lyra ♥

Commitment and Procrastination

Why can't I write today?

I am suffering my first case of 'writer's block'! It's so interesting!! I keep getting up and doing other things or reading articles. Supposedly in order to inspire myself to write something but in all honesty it's a distraction and I know it.

So...... Where does this procrastination spring from?

Well, it's actually rather hard to write about procrastination when you're stuck in the middle of feeling it! It's not altogether conducive to the flow - particularly when the cat keeps jumping on the table in front of the computer.

Generally, I think that for me procrastination springs from fear. Phew! Just saying that is a relief. Admitting the truth of the matter is always so helpful. So what is it I'm afraid of? My old friend 'Not Good Enough' has renewed contact with me. I can feel it in the tightness of my jaw and the long pauses in between typing sentences. Not Good Enough has sprung up this time in response to being told my writing is good - by several different people. Aaaaaargh! To think I might actually be good at what I love doing? That's just too much for Not Good Enough. There's no way I'm getting away with that without a fight.

Well, the only way I have ever found to relieve fear is to do the thing I am afraid of - to move through it and out the other side. And as I write, I feel the flow returning, the words coming more easily and naturally as they usually do.

And I feel sad that I have spent years of my life in procrastination, terrified of doing the things I love in case I'm not good enough. The fear of failure is also a terror of success. Because if people start to think that I'm good at something, that creates an expectation: one I must then continue to live up to. And what if I can't live up to it? What if, after supporting me, they are then left disappointed at my future efforts?

My mind whirls on in a plethora of negative self-belief that I cannot truly commit to my dreams in case I don't live up to others' expectations - or, more importantly, my own. And there is also the terror of investing in something only to lose it - because the fear of abandonment is so huge for me.

And this brings me to my difficulties with commitment. Because I definitely have them. And it's not that I can't follow through on anything at all because I can and frequently do. But when it comes to my work in particular, commitment is a huge deal for me. Sticking at something is very hard. I spent years in temp jobs for that reason - unknowingly. I thought I was just young and wanted freedom and never to be tied down to one thing: that to do the same thing every day or even just every week was boring and I needed variety. And that all seemed fine. But that has had consequences. And now, as I get a bit older, I realise how damaging the lack of routine and of any security has been for me.

And on the other hand, I have been so committed in relationships that I have stayed in them even when they were deeply painful or even abusive. Because the commitment was so important. And because I believed I had to stick out the 'rough times' - even though that's all the relationship was - at any cost.

I could go into the reasons for this behaviour and I certainly think it's important to understand where these patterns started and why they're there. But I feel like I do understand that. And it's no good keeping on saying that 'oh I'm like this because of what happened to me when I was a child' because I'm not a child anymore.

That's not to say I don't have huge compassion for myself - or anyone else who has had a traumatic childhood. I do. But sometimes a child needs to be taught discipline of self. And that is what I need to teach my inner child - to have the self discipline to sit down and do the work I so want to do and am simply afraid of. Because if I don't, the only loser is me.

I have been practising commitment in various ways in my life - such as writing this blog once a week and ensuring that I do sit down and write it (even when it's hard like today). And with friends I am becoming more committed to spending time with them more often and developing deeper bonds of connection and trust. That has already made a huge difference.

Only last night, I was with friends in a safe, healing place and feeling a huge amount - of fear, anger and pain. I had a sudden urge to simply run away: to leave my life behind and start anew somewhere else and to forget everything about my past. Then I looked around at the community of people of which I am a part and felt such love for them that I stayed. I realised that the whole point of life is to stay: to stay with yourself, your feelings, your life, your community. Because this commitment is what builds love and trust between people and within yourself. And there is nothing more worthwhile than that.

Love to you, always,

Lyra ♥

Wow! I feel FANTASTIC!

I am feeling so much joy today I cannot contain it!

I almost feel guilty for feeling so happy! But instead, I am deeply enjoying the feeling of having my soul fly, my heart expand and my voice sing.

This must be the thriving I've been writing about moving towards. Yesterday, I made myself a bracelet to remind me to stay present to myself in each moment. So often my pattern is to abandon myself and exist for someone else - whether for a moment or for years. I finally feel and understand the damage this does to me and I choose to be different. I choose to be present to myself and stay there. As Byron Katie would say, what is going on for others is none of my business! My little bracelet has helped me come back to myself on a few occasions already - to remind me that I need only be present to myself and everything else takes care of itself (it is great to feel that I can give myself the help I need). Today I feel deeply present simply to what is. I've had moments of anxiety or sadness or concern for others but through it all, my joy has persisted. I suppose this is, again what Byron Katie would call, Loving What Is.

I have not read her work for some time but it feels like it has sunk in today! I feel highly motivated to help myself and others. I feel confident in speaking my mind. I feel so much love. And I feel, not just happy, but joyful - content and peaceful with how things are right now and not needing them to be any different. And yet also inspired to make changes and do the work required to better my circumstances - because this means being more fully myself. Rather than trying to change things simply because it would give me a better life, I have awakened to the idea that these changes will happen naturally simply by being myself - wholly, completely, actively myself. And anything and everything feels possible in that.

I choose to feel like this every day. Whether I feel sad, happy, angry or fearful, I choose to be fully myself in that. I see that I am capable and confident and energetic. I see that I am also lacking in all these qualities at other times. It does not really matter. What matters is the choice I make because that is what shapes my reality. If I can still love myself and be present to myself in those moments when I am so afraid I get stuck or so angry I shake or so hurt the pain and tears feel like they'll never stop, this is where joy comes from. Real inner joy. Not the come and go happiness that is reliant on external stimulation but profound joy which comes from inside me and can never be taken away - only temporarily misplaced by me when I forget to be present! I think maybe in the past I've been pretty forgetful!

Now all I need to do is keep remembering! And with my presence bracelet there to help, I know I can do it.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Change is Gonna Come

"Ideas that enter the mind under fire remain there securely and for ever." -Leon Trotsky, revolutionary and writer (1879-1940)

I read this quote this morning and found myself understanding it in two rather different ways. 

The first is that when we are in pain or have suffered in some way, the lessons we learn at those moments tend to stay with us. These are insights which are hard won and so we do not easily forget them. So far so good.

However, it is Trotsky's use of the word 'ideas' which I found rather more bleak. If you grow up in a household in which there is abuse of any kind, you are constantly 'under fire'. You are also constantly learning lessons - mainly in how to survive. The thought that these ideas we learn - about ourselves and the world around us - will remain in our minds 'securely and forever' is, to me, a rather depressing one! It is also untrue.

I learned from my upbringing to be a certain way and had many ideas in my head about who I was, what the world was like, who I could trust, what I felt I deserved, what I needed, how I felt about things....... Many of these ideas entered my mind under the fire of an absent father, an abusive, alcoholic stepfather and a depressed, vulnerable mother (and that of wider familial and social conditioning). I learned that women were passive and men were in control of things; that I should always put others needs before my own; that it was more important to please men than myself; and that my natural inclinations, emotions and sensitivities were somehow abnormal.

The thought that these ideas might stay securely with me forever is truly horrific!

I have begun to learn that they are not true but these beliefs still haunt me on a daily basis in different ways. I have to believe that Trotsky was wrong about this to keep the hope alive in my heart that I can change - that my ideas about myself and the world can change - for the better.

I suppose I already have proved to myself that I can change for the better and that the ideas I learned as a child about who I am are not all true. The ideas which have taken their place have been learned and are still being learned under the tutelage of self-care and self-love. These insights come gently and repetitively until they sink into the essence of my being and become a part of me. They take their time and even when they come to me suddenly, they do not hit me with a bang but instead expand my heart and mind to make room for themselves. They are infinitely more precious lessons than any I have learned before and these are the ones which I know will stay with me for life - securely and forever.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Shame, Sex and Alcohol

I had an experience at the weekend which I very rarely have anymore: I went to a pub!

I seldom drink alcohol myself and dislike the "let's all get as drunk as possible" ambience of most bars so I simply don't go.

It got me thinking about my relationship to alcohol and to people who drink however. To begin with, I enjoyed the evening and had a great time. As the night wore on however and most of the people around me got more and more drunk, it became less fun. Instead, I began to feel my sense of disgust rise. Being around people (particularly men) who are slurring their words, not even really knowing what they are saying, talking utter rubbish repeatedly, standing far too close or thinking you like the fact they put their arm around your shoulders when actually they look like they're going to fall over, fall on you or possibly vomit on you is not my idea of a good time to say the least!

In conjunction with disgust, it brings up a lot of fear for me too. It's the blankness behind the eyes - the knowledge that there is absolutely no reasoning with this person because they're not really there: they've jumped ship, abandoned themselves - and want you to deal with the mess that's left. As a child, my experience of alcohol was that adults drank it to have fun and sometimes they drank a bit too much but then they just went very soppy and told you they loved you more and laughed a lot. As a teenager however, this changed because my stepfather arrived on the scene. Instead, alcohol became something to be dreaded because it meant cruelty, emotional abuse, and him being in that abandoned, unreasonable state which was so terrifying. It also meant hanging around in or waiting outside pubs for him to have drunk enough so we could all go home.

As I got older, I went out - alone or with friends - to escape. I drank because I thought that's just what people did - I never questioned it - and also to numb the pain I felt. I danced in clubs for hours to release some of the pent up emotion which coursed through me at all times.

There are times I got very drunk and did things which I now feel embarrassed about - but in quite a gentle "ah the folly of youth" kind of way. However, there are also things which I feel shame about and these are harder to sit with and think about. Almost all of them involve sex. And this is not because I feel ashamed of having sex. It is because of the way in which I had it - and that had a lot to do with being drunk. It was all so terribly self-destructive. The complete absence of thought for my personal safety, never mind self-respect, when I look back on it now is deeply upsetting: it is a tragedy that I showed myself so little regard and abused myself with both sex and alcohol. For several years now, sex has been about making love - about expressing intimacy and loving connection with a partner in an emotionally connected way. Back then however, I really was a 'wild child'. If it had all been about free love and joyful connection, I would be ok with that (and of course sometimes it was). But mostly it was about trying to not feel so terribly lonely and unloved. And that's why the sex and alcohol went together: because drinking took me beyond my innate desire for love and respect and into connection at any price.

As I write, I feel the profound pain of that time and this grief washes away the feeling of shame, instead replacing it with tender compassion. I feel growing love for the part of me which behaved so badly towards myself simply because it was in such desperate pain - and was trying to express and voice that through 'bad' and 'shameful' behaviour. If, as an adult now, I saw a teenager acting this way, I would know something was wrong for them - that they were in distress. It is time to turn that insight and understanding towards my own inner teen and to show her the love and respect she so deserves.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Memories

I have been looking at old photos today. I have lost myself in a sea of memories and thoughts about the past. I am struck by two things in particular.

The first is the loss. My god, there is so much loss. So many loved ones who have passed away. Too many to count on both hands. And yet here they all are, smiling up at me from paper records of happy times. And that is the second thing: joy. There is so much joy in those faces and the memories they stir in me. I feel so lucky to have had so many beautiful, loving and inspiring people in my life.

And every picture which came up of my stepfather was met with a pang - of fear, anger, hate, sadness, disgust, shame.... So many feelings. And I am loathe to admit to the fact that at times when looking at pictures of my siblings, I was working out in my head whether it would have been taken before or after they were abused. The horror that brings up in me is so unbearable. To see the beautiful innocent faces of them as young children, knowing what was in store for them just a few years later.... The pain in my heart is, well, I don't have a word for how much it hurts.

I knew it would be like this. It's why I procrastinated about going through the photos for so long. I was scared about what it would bring up. But perhaps it is just time for these things to be felt. It is as if, every time I feel these things, a new layer of it is uncovered. A new depth but also a new release. The balance of pain and relief brings a kind of 'calm after the storm' feeling. I don't remember where the idea came from that you do not feel or experience anything you are not ready to feel or experience when it comes to healing. Perhaps that is true. With each day, I grow a little stronger and heal a little more so, when the pain comes, it is a little more acute each time - because that is what I can bear. But the relief from feeling and expressing that pain is also stronger. Wails of despair turn into huge sighs of gratitude. I am grateful that I am no longer in that despair on a daily basis. I am grateful that I Can feel - that I have not turned off my emotions because they are too much to cope with.

All of it somehow brings me closer to the truth. I know the truth of what happened and yet knowing it in my head and being able to admit it emotionally - to really feel it - are very different, I have realised. And each day such as today spent feeling the pain, really moving through it and coming out the other side into gratitude, is a day that is enormously worthwhile. Because each of these days brings me closer to myself, to my humanity, and closer in my connections with the people who matter most to me. And that is, to me, where true joy lies.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

I Deserve Good Things

I had a very meaningful realisation today.

That is, I understood that I have spent almost all of my life believing that I deserved to be punished. That I was bad, naughty or wrong in some way and so all of the bad things which happened to me were not only my own fault but that I deserved them.


I learned at a young age that anger, particularly male anger, equalled violence and pain. I learned that appeasing men - ensuring that they were happy, comfortable and pleased with me - was a way to protect myself from that violence and pain. I learned early that manipulating people, again especially men, so that they either would not get angry or, if they already were, would very soon calm down - or at least think it was not my fault so their anger would not be directed at me - was essential. Being wrong about anything (and therefore receiving any kind of criticism about anything, even if it's constructive) has been terrifying because it took me back into this belief that I was wrong and therefore punishment would soon follow. These lessons have stayed with me a very long time. And the belief that I was in control therefore of others' emotions was a part of feeding the belief that if they got angry and therefore I was hurt, that that was my fault and that, ergo, I deserved it.


It's very painful to see these things. But it's not anywhere near as painful as not seeing them. I have known for a long time that I was afraid of anger. And I have also known, though found it much harder to admit, that I have never really trusted men. I have believed that they are untrustworthy, unreliable, violent, cruel, dishonest, dominating and, in the end, will always let you down and abandon you. That they want only pleasure from women and, the minute they get something different, their true colours will show.


And that is what has manifested in my life so far.


The irony is that I have many men in my life - friends and family - who are very loving, kind, trustworthy, reliable, supportive, fun and honest! It's just that I'm always waiting for them to be something different so then I can say 'I knew it! I Knew that's what you were Really like underneath all the niceness!' because that is what I learned about men as a child. And that is  a tragedy - for me and for them. Because rather than learning new lessons of what men are like based on all of the positive and wonderful experiences I have had with men over the years, my mind is still drawn to contemplating and anticipating the bad ones. I have been locked into a cycle of fear and violence in my own head that does not necessarily exist in reality. And where it has existed, it's because I've been drawn to - and stayed with - men who will give me that experience: because that maintains my perception of reality. And the possibility of being wrong about that perception is far too frightening because really trusting someone is far too frightening in case they turn out to be cruel, rejecting, cold and let me down when I have made myself so vulnerable by taking down my guard.


I am currently reading a beautiful and inspiring book called 'Ask and it is Given' by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It contains the teachings of a spirit being called Abraham who says we are all loved unconditionally and are here on earth in order to experience 'outrageous joy'. I like that part! Abraham talks about the 'Law of Attraction' whereby what you give attention to is what manifests in your life. If you desire lots of strawberries and focus on having an abundance of them, that is what you will get. If you focus on the lack of strawberries in your life, then that lack is what you will continue to experience.


I focused for a long time on the lack of loving connection with my former partner. And that is what I got. I have given my attention to the anger, rejection, fear and loneliness that has been present for me and for him over a long time period and so that is what was perpetuated. The lessons I learned of old that men were so unreliable, cold, and absent turned into my life experience.


I want to make something very clear here. That is, that I am not saying that it is actually my fault when men have behaved badly towards me - or that it's anyone else's fault when others' behave badly towards them. Some people choose to behave appallingly towards others and that is NEVER the victim's fault. What I AM saying is that, as an adult, I have chosen to perpetuate that suffering by holding negative beliefs about men. And that this belief draws me towards men who will in turn perpetuate that belief. And I stay with them and therefore choose to perpetuate my own suffering (because I choose to stay instead of leaving) because I believe I deserve that. I am being cruel to myself - and also to the man because I am one half of the pair which stays and so keeps us both locked in a cycle of fear, neglect, anger and punishment.


So I have decided to begin again. I am repeating mantras or affirmations every day in order to make me focus on something new and positive about both myself and my life experience and about men. Let's start with the one about men:


"Men are honest, fun, reliable, supportive, brave, loving, kind, trustworthy and passionate."


I find it's really helpful to think of examples where each of these qualities has been apparent to me already in my life. I have chosen a man I know and love to represent each quality because it helps make it more real and gives the mantra a stronger foundation. Same for the next affirmation on my life experience. I want to attract good things to I need to feel worthy of them (which of course we all are, we're just conditioned to think we're not) so it helps if I find examples in my life where I've already experienced these beautiful things to give the affirmation a more solid base.


"I deserve good things - abundance, love, health and joy are all mine to have for the asking."


A glint on a leaf just caught my eye: it's a green-bottle fly shining iridescently in the sunlight. It's beautiful. And its beauty makes me think how we are so often afraid of decay and hate flies and the like because to us they are harbingers of death and decay. But these things can be so beautiful! And if we think in terms of a deeply painful belief or idea which has plagued us our whole life, then its death is indeed not just beautiful but miraculous.


Love to you,
Lyra ♥