I am avoiding writing again today. But today, the reason for it feels different. It's because I want to be seen!
I am feeling frustration at writing this blog anonymously!
This is an almost unbelievable shift for me. The desire to be visible has not reared its head often in many years and yet here it is, and it's strong. Stronger than the fear of being seen.
And actually, I find myself welcoming this frustration because what an amazing realisation it has brought me - that I wish to be seen more than I wish to hide in fear and shame. A more precious gift I cannot think of!
I have been finding it so fabulous in the last few days that I have been feeling joyful about my anger or fear for the simple fact that I am recognising them as the teachers they are and when they bring such beautiful lessons, how can I not feel joyful about the experience?!
I always find it fascinating to notice that you don't get something till you get it. That is, you can understand a concept perfectly well intellectually, but until it really sinks in, the knowledge in itself does little to alter your actual perception or behaviour. Then suddenly you get a little 'Eureka' moment and it's as if the lights have been switched on and... Ohhhhhhh - THAT's what everyone meant!
Lately I've been feeling as if I'm in a growth spurt with these little lights being turned on all the time about so many things, ideas, patterns and facets of my behaviour. I gain clarity about myself and my life on an almost daily basis and it is utterly inspiring. To have spent so much of your living in fear, to have the experience of your other desires outweighing it is totally, well, awesome. I literally feel in awe of it. And afraid it will go away! Afraid that I'm not 'up to the task' and will sink back into fear and invisibility.
The thing is, I probably will. But I get now that I move in cycles and spirals and waves: that nothing is constant and yet everything comes back to us - the good as well as the bad. So if I sink into fear again, I have only to move through it because on the other side will be something else. And, in my experience, the something else is wonderful.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Monday, 5 September 2011
Sex & Punishment, Anger & Shame
I've realised I'm ashamed of my anger.
If I feel angry towards someone, I try to hide it because I feel like I'm doing something wrong - betraying them somehow by being angry with them. Perhaps it has to do with love: perhaps I associate anger with not loving and not being angry with loving.
I was asked recently if I thought I had allowed myself to be angry enough with my ex-partner. I do not think I have. I think I learned when I was young that being angry was pretty pointless because it did not make any difference to anything. My situation did not change; no one stopped my stepfather from behaving so awfully; and, importantly, I did not feel any better. I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. So what was the point in expressing it?
I felt the same way with my partner. I felt angry all the time in the end. And if I expressed it directly, it made no difference to the situation nor to how I felt. Again, I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. And within that situation I felt very disempowered and defeated so the thought of repeatedly trying over and over to express myself felt both terribly difficult and pretty futile.
I am finding this all very hard to write about. Shame makes me want to hide so writing about it and putting it out there in the public domain is downright painful! I can feel the urge in me rising to apologise for myself somehow - for the lack of flow in my writing or for the subject matter or anything. And with that realisation, I feel the funny side of it and also a lot of compassion for myself.
I remind myself of the wonderful lesson that the only way to move through something is to feel it; the only way to conquer your fears or not live in shame is to do the thing you are afraid of or talk about the thing of which you are ashamed. In other words, to take action - to do the thing which your fear or shame are wanting to stop you from doing. So, I must keep talking about my shame. Expressing it. Having understanding of and compassion for it.
I wrote some ideas down a couple of weeks ago about sex and punishment within relationships. I was feeling really angry and allowed myself to express that anger on the page. I was going to use it as an entry on this blog. But something stopped me: fear and shame. What I wrote isn't even hugely rage-full. But, still, I was afraid that, if people saw this expression of anger from me that I was so ashamed of, that they would not love me anymore. They would be so appalled and disgusted at my feelings and thoughts that they would 'unfriend' me on Facebook or metaphorically spit on me in the street. That's a strong reaction to have. To feel like my anger is so destructive it could literally turn people against me and make loving people behave terribly towards me. I feel sad that that is how I feel. That I have turned my anger inwards for so long that I have learned how destructive it can be so dare not turn it outwards.
And I realise that when I feel angry, I also feel young - like a child, or at least a teenager. I think my ability to express my anger in a mature, healthy way got stuck at that point - probably at the point where I learned for definite how futile it was. I think perhaps the final blow came when my stepfather had done something appalling and in a temper I said to my mum that I hated him and she just said 'I know'. I was so shocked. She seemed so defeated and in that moment, I felt defeated too. I gave up. I thought that anger was supposed to be a signal that something needed to change and that it gave you the energy to do what it took to change it. But if nothing you ever do about the situation you most want to change makes the slightest bit of difference, then anger becomes pointless and a feeling of helplessness takes over.
I used to think that walking away was giving up. That it meant I had somehow lost and that it meant I was useless. Now I understand that walking away from a situation that is unhealthy and unhappy, is a powerful, positive action for change and possibly the most healing thing you can do. I can therefore turn the shame of a broken relationship into pride for having enough self-love to do what was best for me - and probably for my ex too.
I also realise that I am ashamed of sex. I have been taught through myriad experiences, that my sexual drive, the sexual violence I have suffered, the sexual violence which others I love have suffered, the fact my ex would not have sex with me and simply my sexuality in general is something to be ashamed of. Well I'm tired of feeling that way. I believe sexuality is something to be celebrated and held sacred. Not used, abused or denied.
I am therefore going to face both my greatest sources of shame in one fell swoop. So, here, unedited, is my angry expression about sex, as written and hidden from view until now. Please be gentle!
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
*Red Moon - Miranda Gray
If I feel angry towards someone, I try to hide it because I feel like I'm doing something wrong - betraying them somehow by being angry with them. Perhaps it has to do with love: perhaps I associate anger with not loving and not being angry with loving.
I was asked recently if I thought I had allowed myself to be angry enough with my ex-partner. I do not think I have. I think I learned when I was young that being angry was pretty pointless because it did not make any difference to anything. My situation did not change; no one stopped my stepfather from behaving so awfully; and, importantly, I did not feel any better. I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. So what was the point in expressing it?
I felt the same way with my partner. I felt angry all the time in the end. And if I expressed it directly, it made no difference to the situation nor to how I felt. Again, I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. And within that situation I felt very disempowered and defeated so the thought of repeatedly trying over and over to express myself felt both terribly difficult and pretty futile.
I am finding this all very hard to write about. Shame makes me want to hide so writing about it and putting it out there in the public domain is downright painful! I can feel the urge in me rising to apologise for myself somehow - for the lack of flow in my writing or for the subject matter or anything. And with that realisation, I feel the funny side of it and also a lot of compassion for myself.
I remind myself of the wonderful lesson that the only way to move through something is to feel it; the only way to conquer your fears or not live in shame is to do the thing you are afraid of or talk about the thing of which you are ashamed. In other words, to take action - to do the thing which your fear or shame are wanting to stop you from doing. So, I must keep talking about my shame. Expressing it. Having understanding of and compassion for it.
I wrote some ideas down a couple of weeks ago about sex and punishment within relationships. I was feeling really angry and allowed myself to express that anger on the page. I was going to use it as an entry on this blog. But something stopped me: fear and shame. What I wrote isn't even hugely rage-full. But, still, I was afraid that, if people saw this expression of anger from me that I was so ashamed of, that they would not love me anymore. They would be so appalled and disgusted at my feelings and thoughts that they would 'unfriend' me on Facebook or metaphorically spit on me in the street. That's a strong reaction to have. To feel like my anger is so destructive it could literally turn people against me and make loving people behave terribly towards me. I feel sad that that is how I feel. That I have turned my anger inwards for so long that I have learned how destructive it can be so dare not turn it outwards.
And I realise that when I feel angry, I also feel young - like a child, or at least a teenager. I think my ability to express my anger in a mature, healthy way got stuck at that point - probably at the point where I learned for definite how futile it was. I think perhaps the final blow came when my stepfather had done something appalling and in a temper I said to my mum that I hated him and she just said 'I know'. I was so shocked. She seemed so defeated and in that moment, I felt defeated too. I gave up. I thought that anger was supposed to be a signal that something needed to change and that it gave you the energy to do what it took to change it. But if nothing you ever do about the situation you most want to change makes the slightest bit of difference, then anger becomes pointless and a feeling of helplessness takes over.
I used to think that walking away was giving up. That it meant I had somehow lost and that it meant I was useless. Now I understand that walking away from a situation that is unhealthy and unhappy, is a powerful, positive action for change and possibly the most healing thing you can do. I can therefore turn the shame of a broken relationship into pride for having enough self-love to do what was best for me - and probably for my ex too.
I also realise that I am ashamed of sex. I have been taught through myriad experiences, that my sexual drive, the sexual violence I have suffered, the sexual violence which others I love have suffered, the fact my ex would not have sex with me and simply my sexuality in general is something to be ashamed of. Well I'm tired of feeling that way. I believe sexuality is something to be celebrated and held sacred. Not used, abused or denied.
I am therefore going to face both my greatest sources of shame in one fell swoop. So, here, unedited, is my angry expression about sex, as written and hidden from view until now. Please be gentle!
The Safe Female
I'm wondering about women and sex.
I think perhaps that men, particularly if they have been through trauma and, most especially if their mother was distant, uncaring, rejecting or punishing in some way, have a desire to create a 'safe female' in their life. (I'm sure that this also works the other way round too with men and women creating 'safe males' or safe males or females in in same-gender relationships. I will refer to a heterosexual couple where it is the female who is made safe simply because that is where my experience lies).
In turn, if a woman has been through trauma in her life, particularly if she has suffered abuse, violence or abandonment by her father, she will also wish to become a 'safe female' (because she will want to keep herself safe from violence or abandonment in future - in other words, she regards these acts as being her fault).
Therefore, the man and woman both conspire to make the woman safe. And I think this is most especially the case with regard to sex - likely because sex is an obvious sign of issues in a relationship and also because the emotions and behaviours which arise around sex are very potent.
What I mean by safe is controlled. The woman allows herself to be controlled by the man sexually which then naturally leads her to being controlled in most or every other aspect of the relationship as well - so she is made safe. This is also particularly true in the realm of emotional control as, often and traditionally, women are seen as 'more emotional' than men.
Sexual and emotional control of women has a history - both in my family and in society as a whole. For hundreds of years our culture has made woman safe sexually - either by making her virginal or dominating her with violence. Or usually both. The innate knowledge of the body women have because of their cycles and their subsequent 'baseness' means they are much more in tune with the carnality of life and, therefore, also with the emotions. Women have been taught to remove themselves as much as possible from this connection (often through men) and that by doing so they are cleaner and more palatable - to men - rather than being the powerful beings they are and, therefore, dangerous to men (either because they are wild uncontrollable temptresses or because they are so powerful they dominate men in other ways: the abuser fearing abuse keeping his victim small so that he can continue to feel tall). I mean, tampons - who on earth invented them? Penis shaped clumps of dry cotton stuffed up inside our juicy womanly bodies to stop the 'foul' flow of natural blood from leaving as it was meant to - looking, smelling, being as it is meant to. Urgh! All those terrible adverts of women in white trousers on roller skates because these torturous 'conveniences' can make us feel 'normal even when we have our periods'? Double Urgh! We are supposed to feel different at different times: that is the whole point! We are cyclic in nature*.
Aside from that slight tangent..... I have experienced both types of control by a man sexually: violence and withdrawal. Both are deeply punishing forms of behaviour and both are deeply damaging to the psyche as well as the body. Let us take the violence first. If a man treats a woman's sexuality as something to be conquered and uses rape, domination, fear and other such tactics to control her he is trying to create a safe female: he is making her sexless. This is because he fears women's sexual power so much that he feels emasculated and needs to regain control again. He does this by forcing her to have sex. By doing so, he is keeping her in a state of fear of sex and is therefore controlling her that way. He is also, in his own mind, enabling himself to see her as sexless - a pure, maiden with no sexual power or desire. This is because he does not allow sexual union to take place unless he is the initiator - whether she consents or not. She is therefore a safe female and not threatening to his highly insecure sense of self-power.
A man who withdraws from sexual union within a relationship; who denies it to his partner under any circumstances - particularly if he has felt vulnerable in the relationship for any reason or that she has had the 'upper hand' somehow, and/ or particularly if he is resentful of her for any reason - is doing the same thing as the man who uses violence. I think this is also most especially the case if a woman has a strong sexual drive which the man feels threatened by - because for such a long time, our society has taught us that women 'should' be the more hesitant sexually in a partnership: that the man should be the one in control. The withdrawal allows him to regain his sense of control, his sense of being 'the man in charge', especially if he remains seductive but vague promises of intimacy go nowhere. Because then he can retain the sense of being able to reel her in, to seduce her, but also to keep her as the safe, sexless female his insecurity needs her to be.
And of course the woman is culpable in this if for no other reason than she allows it to continue. I have the utmost sympathy for any woman (or man) who stays in an abusive situation (and both of the situations above are abusive), having been in that situation myself. I know how painful it is to hang on with that terrible hope that things will get better and be 'like they used to' or 'like I imagine they will be if only we can get past....'. All of this is totally imaginary. The only way to make it better for yourself is to get out, lick your wounds and mend your broken heart. And work out enough of what was going on so that the next time you fall in love with someone, you are rather more savvy from the beginning about the potential dynamics of relationships.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
*Red Moon - Miranda Gray
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Guilt and Punishment
Yesterday was rather challenging.
I felt very tired, grumpy, upset, stressed, unable to concentrate and, on top of that, guilty about feeling that way because it meant I wasn't very 'productive'.
On a wider, sociological point, I can see that our society is programmed to make us as productive as possible from as young an age as possible to as old an age as possible. To make us 'economically viable' for the greatest time period we can be. You can see it on the simple things such as adverts for cold and flu remedies which tell you that if you're sick, you must be able to keep going anyway; the way that people who claim benefits are far too readily labelled as 'scroungers' (particularly by the current government); and the way that if you are a martyr who constantly gives, gives, gives and takes nothing in return then you are lauded and applauded - no matter if doing so makes you ill, it's important that you keep going and keep giving.
So what of the personal origins of this guilt for me?
This morning, I slept through my alarm and so the guilt continued. I actually felt guilty about the fact that I slept a little longer than some random, self-imposed time I should be getting up, despite the fact I had nothing in particular to get up for and could actually have laid in bed all day if I really wanted to.
I realised that it's all about self-punishment. And, I'm fairly sure, links with an addiction to an adrenalised state of being (the theory that if you grow up or live for a long time in an abusive situation, your body becomes normalised to being adrenalised and then is addicted to adrenaline. You will then seek out ways to perpetuate this state of being, whether by thrill-seeking, constant recourse to conflict, or simply by maintaining a high level of stress in your life). So, if I'm stressed about even lying in bed when I'm tired, then even when I'm outwardly resting, adrenaline is working its addictive magic on me. So, guilt is the brain's clever way of getting another fix! Induce a state of stress on the body by providing sufficient mental anxiety, even when there is no real reason for it, and adrenaline will be your reward!
Last week I was working solidly on other projects: I worked and slept and that was pretty much it. It was a highly productive time and very tiring. And yet, I still managed to feel guilty for not writing my blog! And if I'm writing, I feel guilty I'm not doing the washing up or vacuuming. And if I'm doing that, I feel guilty I'm not working on something else or doing one of the who knows how many little unfinished, self-imposed tasks I could be doing. It's a form of insanity because it makes me feel constantly crazy, anxious and unsettled.
What is all this guilt about?
It is definitely about self-punishment. Because it is about not allowing myself to fully enjoy or be absorbed in anything. It's about maintaining a level of stress in my body and mind. And I've been choosing to live in a stressful, self-punishing way for a long time. You can see it in my environment - all the unfinished tasks and clutter - the partners I choose who are always in some way unavailable, the career paths I follow or don't follow, the financial situation I keep myself in.....
Why? Why do I think I deserve all this terrible punishment? Why do I think I'm so unworthy of what I really want, never mind what I really need?
I think that I'm punishing myself for not speaking up about my stepfather when I first found out about him all those years ago. And I think I'm also punishing myself for 'being so bad that I drove my dad to leave'.
I can feel the terrible rawness of these truths scraping at my heart. It's a terrible wound to bear - and I'm punishing myself for having it.
I can feel the anguish of a teenager who was so afraid and angry she did not know what to do and so did what she had been taught for many years - stay silent and do nothing: hide your pain. I can feel the suffering of a little girl who blamed herself for the fact her daddy had left her.
And I can feel this anguish and suffering in so many of my decisions over the years which have kept me in a place of disempowerment and stress. I can feel it in the desperate need to feel like I'm good enough. I can feel it in the torture that is making decisions of any kind because committing to one path could result in further guilt and self-punishment if I'm 'wrong'. And I can feel it in the fact that I consider myself so unworthy of time that I cannot even rest when I'm tired without feeling guilty.
I can feel an immediate drive to provide myself with affirmation of how worthy I am and the fact I deserve good things. To show myself compassion. But I realise, that compassion starts with acceptance. And I need to sit with this new way of seeing for a while in order to really accept it. To give this wound the attention it so sorely needs.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
I felt very tired, grumpy, upset, stressed, unable to concentrate and, on top of that, guilty about feeling that way because it meant I wasn't very 'productive'.
On a wider, sociological point, I can see that our society is programmed to make us as productive as possible from as young an age as possible to as old an age as possible. To make us 'economically viable' for the greatest time period we can be. You can see it on the simple things such as adverts for cold and flu remedies which tell you that if you're sick, you must be able to keep going anyway; the way that people who claim benefits are far too readily labelled as 'scroungers' (particularly by the current government); and the way that if you are a martyr who constantly gives, gives, gives and takes nothing in return then you are lauded and applauded - no matter if doing so makes you ill, it's important that you keep going and keep giving.
So what of the personal origins of this guilt for me?
This morning, I slept through my alarm and so the guilt continued. I actually felt guilty about the fact that I slept a little longer than some random, self-imposed time I should be getting up, despite the fact I had nothing in particular to get up for and could actually have laid in bed all day if I really wanted to.
I realised that it's all about self-punishment. And, I'm fairly sure, links with an addiction to an adrenalised state of being (the theory that if you grow up or live for a long time in an abusive situation, your body becomes normalised to being adrenalised and then is addicted to adrenaline. You will then seek out ways to perpetuate this state of being, whether by thrill-seeking, constant recourse to conflict, or simply by maintaining a high level of stress in your life). So, if I'm stressed about even lying in bed when I'm tired, then even when I'm outwardly resting, adrenaline is working its addictive magic on me. So, guilt is the brain's clever way of getting another fix! Induce a state of stress on the body by providing sufficient mental anxiety, even when there is no real reason for it, and adrenaline will be your reward!
Last week I was working solidly on other projects: I worked and slept and that was pretty much it. It was a highly productive time and very tiring. And yet, I still managed to feel guilty for not writing my blog! And if I'm writing, I feel guilty I'm not doing the washing up or vacuuming. And if I'm doing that, I feel guilty I'm not working on something else or doing one of the who knows how many little unfinished, self-imposed tasks I could be doing. It's a form of insanity because it makes me feel constantly crazy, anxious and unsettled.
What is all this guilt about?
It is definitely about self-punishment. Because it is about not allowing myself to fully enjoy or be absorbed in anything. It's about maintaining a level of stress in my body and mind. And I've been choosing to live in a stressful, self-punishing way for a long time. You can see it in my environment - all the unfinished tasks and clutter - the partners I choose who are always in some way unavailable, the career paths I follow or don't follow, the financial situation I keep myself in.....
Why? Why do I think I deserve all this terrible punishment? Why do I think I'm so unworthy of what I really want, never mind what I really need?
I think that I'm punishing myself for not speaking up about my stepfather when I first found out about him all those years ago. And I think I'm also punishing myself for 'being so bad that I drove my dad to leave'.
I can feel the terrible rawness of these truths scraping at my heart. It's a terrible wound to bear - and I'm punishing myself for having it.
I can feel the anguish of a teenager who was so afraid and angry she did not know what to do and so did what she had been taught for many years - stay silent and do nothing: hide your pain. I can feel the suffering of a little girl who blamed herself for the fact her daddy had left her.
And I can feel this anguish and suffering in so many of my decisions over the years which have kept me in a place of disempowerment and stress. I can feel it in the desperate need to feel like I'm good enough. I can feel it in the torture that is making decisions of any kind because committing to one path could result in further guilt and self-punishment if I'm 'wrong'. And I can feel it in the fact that I consider myself so unworthy of time that I cannot even rest when I'm tired without feeling guilty.
I can feel an immediate drive to provide myself with affirmation of how worthy I am and the fact I deserve good things. To show myself compassion. But I realise, that compassion starts with acceptance. And I need to sit with this new way of seeing for a while in order to really accept it. To give this wound the attention it so sorely needs.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Commitment and Procrastination
Why can't I write today?
I am suffering my first case of 'writer's block'! It's so interesting!! I keep getting up and doing other things or reading articles. Supposedly in order to inspire myself to write something but in all honesty it's a distraction and I know it.
So...... Where does this procrastination spring from?
Well, it's actually rather hard to write about procrastination when you're stuck in the middle of feeling it! It's not altogether conducive to the flow - particularly when the cat keeps jumping on the table in front of the computer.
Generally, I think that for me procrastination springs from fear. Phew! Just saying that is a relief. Admitting the truth of the matter is always so helpful. So what is it I'm afraid of? My old friend 'Not Good Enough' has renewed contact with me. I can feel it in the tightness of my jaw and the long pauses in between typing sentences. Not Good Enough has sprung up this time in response to being told my writing is good - by several different people. Aaaaaargh! To think I might actually be good at what I love doing? That's just too much for Not Good Enough. There's no way I'm getting away with that without a fight.
Well, the only way I have ever found to relieve fear is to do the thing I am afraid of - to move through it and out the other side. And as I write, I feel the flow returning, the words coming more easily and naturally as they usually do.
And I feel sad that I have spent years of my life in procrastination, terrified of doing the things I love in case I'm not good enough. The fear of failure is also a terror of success. Because if people start to think that I'm good at something, that creates an expectation: one I must then continue to live up to. And what if I can't live up to it? What if, after supporting me, they are then left disappointed at my future efforts?
My mind whirls on in a plethora of negative self-belief that I cannot truly commit to my dreams in case I don't live up to others' expectations - or, more importantly, my own. And there is also the terror of investing in something only to lose it - because the fear of abandonment is so huge for me.
And this brings me to my difficulties with commitment. Because I definitely have them. And it's not that I can't follow through on anything at all because I can and frequently do. But when it comes to my work in particular, commitment is a huge deal for me. Sticking at something is very hard. I spent years in temp jobs for that reason - unknowingly. I thought I was just young and wanted freedom and never to be tied down to one thing: that to do the same thing every day or even just every week was boring and I needed variety. And that all seemed fine. But that has had consequences. And now, as I get a bit older, I realise how damaging the lack of routine and of any security has been for me.
And on the other hand, I have been so committed in relationships that I have stayed in them even when they were deeply painful or even abusive. Because the commitment was so important. And because I believed I had to stick out the 'rough times' - even though that's all the relationship was - at any cost.
I could go into the reasons for this behaviour and I certainly think it's important to understand where these patterns started and why they're there. But I feel like I do understand that. And it's no good keeping on saying that 'oh I'm like this because of what happened to me when I was a child' because I'm not a child anymore.
That's not to say I don't have huge compassion for myself - or anyone else who has had a traumatic childhood. I do. But sometimes a child needs to be taught discipline of self. And that is what I need to teach my inner child - to have the self discipline to sit down and do the work I so want to do and am simply afraid of. Because if I don't, the only loser is me.
I have been practising commitment in various ways in my life - such as writing this blog once a week and ensuring that I do sit down and write it (even when it's hard like today). And with friends I am becoming more committed to spending time with them more often and developing deeper bonds of connection and trust. That has already made a huge difference.
Only last night, I was with friends in a safe, healing place and feeling a huge amount - of fear, anger and pain. I had a sudden urge to simply run away: to leave my life behind and start anew somewhere else and to forget everything about my past. Then I looked around at the community of people of which I am a part and felt such love for them that I stayed. I realised that the whole point of life is to stay: to stay with yourself, your feelings, your life, your community. Because this commitment is what builds love and trust between people and within yourself. And there is nothing more worthwhile than that.
Love to you, always,
Lyra ♥
I am suffering my first case of 'writer's block'! It's so interesting!! I keep getting up and doing other things or reading articles. Supposedly in order to inspire myself to write something but in all honesty it's a distraction and I know it.
So...... Where does this procrastination spring from?
Well, it's actually rather hard to write about procrastination when you're stuck in the middle of feeling it! It's not altogether conducive to the flow - particularly when the cat keeps jumping on the table in front of the computer.
Generally, I think that for me procrastination springs from fear. Phew! Just saying that is a relief. Admitting the truth of the matter is always so helpful. So what is it I'm afraid of? My old friend 'Not Good Enough' has renewed contact with me. I can feel it in the tightness of my jaw and the long pauses in between typing sentences. Not Good Enough has sprung up this time in response to being told my writing is good - by several different people. Aaaaaargh! To think I might actually be good at what I love doing? That's just too much for Not Good Enough. There's no way I'm getting away with that without a fight.
Well, the only way I have ever found to relieve fear is to do the thing I am afraid of - to move through it and out the other side. And as I write, I feel the flow returning, the words coming more easily and naturally as they usually do.
And I feel sad that I have spent years of my life in procrastination, terrified of doing the things I love in case I'm not good enough. The fear of failure is also a terror of success. Because if people start to think that I'm good at something, that creates an expectation: one I must then continue to live up to. And what if I can't live up to it? What if, after supporting me, they are then left disappointed at my future efforts?
My mind whirls on in a plethora of negative self-belief that I cannot truly commit to my dreams in case I don't live up to others' expectations - or, more importantly, my own. And there is also the terror of investing in something only to lose it - because the fear of abandonment is so huge for me.
And this brings me to my difficulties with commitment. Because I definitely have them. And it's not that I can't follow through on anything at all because I can and frequently do. But when it comes to my work in particular, commitment is a huge deal for me. Sticking at something is very hard. I spent years in temp jobs for that reason - unknowingly. I thought I was just young and wanted freedom and never to be tied down to one thing: that to do the same thing every day or even just every week was boring and I needed variety. And that all seemed fine. But that has had consequences. And now, as I get a bit older, I realise how damaging the lack of routine and of any security has been for me.
And on the other hand, I have been so committed in relationships that I have stayed in them even when they were deeply painful or even abusive. Because the commitment was so important. And because I believed I had to stick out the 'rough times' - even though that's all the relationship was - at any cost.
I could go into the reasons for this behaviour and I certainly think it's important to understand where these patterns started and why they're there. But I feel like I do understand that. And it's no good keeping on saying that 'oh I'm like this because of what happened to me when I was a child' because I'm not a child anymore.
That's not to say I don't have huge compassion for myself - or anyone else who has had a traumatic childhood. I do. But sometimes a child needs to be taught discipline of self. And that is what I need to teach my inner child - to have the self discipline to sit down and do the work I so want to do and am simply afraid of. Because if I don't, the only loser is me.
I have been practising commitment in various ways in my life - such as writing this blog once a week and ensuring that I do sit down and write it (even when it's hard like today). And with friends I am becoming more committed to spending time with them more often and developing deeper bonds of connection and trust. That has already made a huge difference.
Only last night, I was with friends in a safe, healing place and feeling a huge amount - of fear, anger and pain. I had a sudden urge to simply run away: to leave my life behind and start anew somewhere else and to forget everything about my past. Then I looked around at the community of people of which I am a part and felt such love for them that I stayed. I realised that the whole point of life is to stay: to stay with yourself, your feelings, your life, your community. Because this commitment is what builds love and trust between people and within yourself. And there is nothing more worthwhile than that.
Love to you, always,
Lyra ♥
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
London Riots: Acceptance of the horror of reality and the change it brings in our hearts
I've been feeling deeply affected by the riots in London. Most of my friends live there, I lived there for years, I was there on Monday when the worst night of trouble began....
I found myself becoming obsessed with the news and with looking at updates about what was going on, unable to sleep properly, shaking, crying.... in the grip of post-trauma symptoms which I thought I was healing from. I have had lots of 'shouldn'ts' in my head about how I shouldn't feel that way because I was (luckily) not physically caught up in what happened - I managed to get home ok, I checked in with many friends and found they were all ok. I thought I didn't have the right to feel so upset and so triggered by what was going on when there were other people who had experienced much worse than me and when I was unharmed.
It has got me thinking again about loving what is and against-ness. If I can find my way to accepting how I feel - however I am feeling and however 'unjustified' I think that may be - then simply in that act of acceptance, healing begins to take place. I feel calmer, more optimistic and more empowered. If instead I am in denial of my feelings or think I shouldn't be having them - in other words I am fighting against them - then, on top of the feelings of upset, shock and fear, I am also dealing with fighting myself and fighting reality.
If young people live in poverty and gang cultures, feel they have no prospects and are shown an example of violence rather than love at home and/or in their lives generally, where can they possibly learn acceptance of what is - and why would they want to? Instead, they are far more likely to be drawn into fighting against reality and fighting the authorities they see as perpetuating their reality. And so we eventually get an outpouring of against-ness in the form of these riots. It is deeply destructive because it is fighting against.
When people are fighting for something, destruction (it seems to me) tends to be of a 'collateral damage' nature or strategic. These rioters are not fighting for anything however. They are fighting against their own reality of being 'have nots' by stealing things and, at least temporarily, riding high on the feelings of being people who have, and also of being people who have reversed the roles and changed the haves into have-nots.
I could not understand why they would destroy or steal from small local businesses in this case rather than just large corporations but of course, if you really have nothing then anyone who has something, however little, has more than you - they are in the 'have' group.
And of course our society is set up to teach us to care more about possessions than people - which is why we still buy clothes which are made by child labourers, paper and furniture and toys which destroy the rainforests and electronic gadgets which release pollution into the atmosphere. It's why the miners who bring out the sulphur used to whiten our sugar have no breathing apparatus and why big oil companies like BP care far more about drilling in unsafe locations than they do about the consequences of their actions on people and the environment. Everyone is more concerned with being a have rather than a have-not - is it any wonder these rioters want that too?
My stepfather fought against the reality of what he was doing. He drunk himself into stupors so he wouldn't have to think about it and, I think, convinced himself that what he was doing was somehow equated with loving children. If he had allowed reality into his heart it would have made his existence unbearable.
If we all accepted the reality of what is, we would all collectively be so horrified that drilling for oil, murder, rape, destroying our environment, the extreme gaps between poor and wealthy in this country - perhaps even paeodophilia - would stop because our consciences would not allow it all to continue. As long as we continue to lie to ourselves and fight against reality however, these things are perpetuated.
And I'm not talking about shame or shaming people into behaving differently. Shame is a deeply destructive emotion and people will do almost anything to avoid feeling it - including perpetuating their destructive behaviour. I mean deep acceptance of what is; which then allows the grief, the terror, the anger and the sadness to be acknowledged and to be felt. Joy, gratitude and the desire to live from a more loving space, in my experience, always follow.
It is necessary to accept the horror of reality into our hearts in order to heal from it. That is why, having accepted that I feel deeply upset and slightly traumatised by the riots, I feel better, clearer and more empowered. That is the call into action for real change.
If we can only allow reality to touch our hearts and welcome the horror home with open arms, we can heal and move on. We will desire something better and feel empowered to achieve it.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
I found myself becoming obsessed with the news and with looking at updates about what was going on, unable to sleep properly, shaking, crying.... in the grip of post-trauma symptoms which I thought I was healing from. I have had lots of 'shouldn'ts' in my head about how I shouldn't feel that way because I was (luckily) not physically caught up in what happened - I managed to get home ok, I checked in with many friends and found they were all ok. I thought I didn't have the right to feel so upset and so triggered by what was going on when there were other people who had experienced much worse than me and when I was unharmed.
It has got me thinking again about loving what is and against-ness. If I can find my way to accepting how I feel - however I am feeling and however 'unjustified' I think that may be - then simply in that act of acceptance, healing begins to take place. I feel calmer, more optimistic and more empowered. If instead I am in denial of my feelings or think I shouldn't be having them - in other words I am fighting against them - then, on top of the feelings of upset, shock and fear, I am also dealing with fighting myself and fighting reality.
If young people live in poverty and gang cultures, feel they have no prospects and are shown an example of violence rather than love at home and/or in their lives generally, where can they possibly learn acceptance of what is - and why would they want to? Instead, they are far more likely to be drawn into fighting against reality and fighting the authorities they see as perpetuating their reality. And so we eventually get an outpouring of against-ness in the form of these riots. It is deeply destructive because it is fighting against.
When people are fighting for something, destruction (it seems to me) tends to be of a 'collateral damage' nature or strategic. These rioters are not fighting for anything however. They are fighting against their own reality of being 'have nots' by stealing things and, at least temporarily, riding high on the feelings of being people who have, and also of being people who have reversed the roles and changed the haves into have-nots.
I could not understand why they would destroy or steal from small local businesses in this case rather than just large corporations but of course, if you really have nothing then anyone who has something, however little, has more than you - they are in the 'have' group.
And of course our society is set up to teach us to care more about possessions than people - which is why we still buy clothes which are made by child labourers, paper and furniture and toys which destroy the rainforests and electronic gadgets which release pollution into the atmosphere. It's why the miners who bring out the sulphur used to whiten our sugar have no breathing apparatus and why big oil companies like BP care far more about drilling in unsafe locations than they do about the consequences of their actions on people and the environment. Everyone is more concerned with being a have rather than a have-not - is it any wonder these rioters want that too?
My stepfather fought against the reality of what he was doing. He drunk himself into stupors so he wouldn't have to think about it and, I think, convinced himself that what he was doing was somehow equated with loving children. If he had allowed reality into his heart it would have made his existence unbearable.
If we all accepted the reality of what is, we would all collectively be so horrified that drilling for oil, murder, rape, destroying our environment, the extreme gaps between poor and wealthy in this country - perhaps even paeodophilia - would stop because our consciences would not allow it all to continue. As long as we continue to lie to ourselves and fight against reality however, these things are perpetuated.
And I'm not talking about shame or shaming people into behaving differently. Shame is a deeply destructive emotion and people will do almost anything to avoid feeling it - including perpetuating their destructive behaviour. I mean deep acceptance of what is; which then allows the grief, the terror, the anger and the sadness to be acknowledged and to be felt. Joy, gratitude and the desire to live from a more loving space, in my experience, always follow.
It is necessary to accept the horror of reality into our hearts in order to heal from it. That is why, having accepted that I feel deeply upset and slightly traumatised by the riots, I feel better, clearer and more empowered. That is the call into action for real change.
If we can only allow reality to touch our hearts and welcome the horror home with open arms, we can heal and move on. We will desire something better and feel empowered to achieve it.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Wow! I feel FANTASTIC!
I am feeling so much joy today I cannot contain it!
I almost feel guilty for feeling so happy! But instead, I am deeply enjoying the feeling of having my soul fly, my heart expand and my voice sing.
This must be the thriving I've been writing about moving towards. Yesterday, I made myself a bracelet to remind me to stay present to myself in each moment. So often my pattern is to abandon myself and exist for someone else - whether for a moment or for years. I finally feel and understand the damage this does to me and I choose to be different. I choose to be present to myself and stay there. As Byron Katie would say, what is going on for others is none of my business! My little bracelet has helped me come back to myself on a few occasions already - to remind me that I need only be present to myself and everything else takes care of itself (it is great to feel that I can give myself the help I need). Today I feel deeply present simply to what is. I've had moments of anxiety or sadness or concern for others but through it all, my joy has persisted. I suppose this is, again what Byron Katie would call, Loving What Is.
I have not read her work for some time but it feels like it has sunk in today! I feel highly motivated to help myself and others. I feel confident in speaking my mind. I feel so much love. And I feel, not just happy, but joyful - content and peaceful with how things are right now and not needing them to be any different. And yet also inspired to make changes and do the work required to better my circumstances - because this means being more fully myself. Rather than trying to change things simply because it would give me a better life, I have awakened to the idea that these changes will happen naturally simply by being myself - wholly, completely, actively myself. And anything and everything feels possible in that.
I choose to feel like this every day. Whether I feel sad, happy, angry or fearful, I choose to be fully myself in that. I see that I am capable and confident and energetic. I see that I am also lacking in all these qualities at other times. It does not really matter. What matters is the choice I make because that is what shapes my reality. If I can still love myself and be present to myself in those moments when I am so afraid I get stuck or so angry I shake or so hurt the pain and tears feel like they'll never stop, this is where joy comes from. Real inner joy. Not the come and go happiness that is reliant on external stimulation but profound joy which comes from inside me and can never be taken away - only temporarily misplaced by me when I forget to be present! I think maybe in the past I've been pretty forgetful!
Now all I need to do is keep remembering! And with my presence bracelet there to help, I know I can do it.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
I almost feel guilty for feeling so happy! But instead, I am deeply enjoying the feeling of having my soul fly, my heart expand and my voice sing.
This must be the thriving I've been writing about moving towards. Yesterday, I made myself a bracelet to remind me to stay present to myself in each moment. So often my pattern is to abandon myself and exist for someone else - whether for a moment or for years. I finally feel and understand the damage this does to me and I choose to be different. I choose to be present to myself and stay there. As Byron Katie would say, what is going on for others is none of my business! My little bracelet has helped me come back to myself on a few occasions already - to remind me that I need only be present to myself and everything else takes care of itself (it is great to feel that I can give myself the help I need). Today I feel deeply present simply to what is. I've had moments of anxiety or sadness or concern for others but through it all, my joy has persisted. I suppose this is, again what Byron Katie would call, Loving What Is.
I have not read her work for some time but it feels like it has sunk in today! I feel highly motivated to help myself and others. I feel confident in speaking my mind. I feel so much love. And I feel, not just happy, but joyful - content and peaceful with how things are right now and not needing them to be any different. And yet also inspired to make changes and do the work required to better my circumstances - because this means being more fully myself. Rather than trying to change things simply because it would give me a better life, I have awakened to the idea that these changes will happen naturally simply by being myself - wholly, completely, actively myself. And anything and everything feels possible in that.
I choose to feel like this every day. Whether I feel sad, happy, angry or fearful, I choose to be fully myself in that. I see that I am capable and confident and energetic. I see that I am also lacking in all these qualities at other times. It does not really matter. What matters is the choice I make because that is what shapes my reality. If I can still love myself and be present to myself in those moments when I am so afraid I get stuck or so angry I shake or so hurt the pain and tears feel like they'll never stop, this is where joy comes from. Real inner joy. Not the come and go happiness that is reliant on external stimulation but profound joy which comes from inside me and can never be taken away - only temporarily misplaced by me when I forget to be present! I think maybe in the past I've been pretty forgetful!
Now all I need to do is keep remembering! And with my presence bracelet there to help, I know I can do it.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Monday, 25 July 2011
Change is Gonna Come
"Ideas that enter the mind under fire remain there securely and for ever." -Leon Trotsky, revolutionary and writer (1879-1940)
I read this quote this morning and found myself understanding it in two rather different ways.
The first is that when we are in pain or have suffered in some way, the lessons we learn at those moments tend to stay with us. These are insights which are hard won and so we do not easily forget them. So far so good.
However, it is Trotsky's use of the word 'ideas' which I found rather more bleak. If you grow up in a household in which there is abuse of any kind, you are constantly 'under fire'. You are also constantly learning lessons - mainly in how to survive. The thought that these ideas we learn - about ourselves and the world around us - will remain in our minds 'securely and forever' is, to me, a rather depressing one! It is also untrue.
I learned from my upbringing to be a certain way and had many ideas in my head about who I was, what the world was like, who I could trust, what I felt I deserved, what I needed, how I felt about things....... Many of these ideas entered my mind under the fire of an absent father, an abusive, alcoholic stepfather and a depressed, vulnerable mother (and that of wider familial and social conditioning). I learned that women were passive and men were in control of things; that I should always put others needs before my own; that it was more important to please men than myself; and that my natural inclinations, emotions and sensitivities were somehow abnormal.
The thought that these ideas might stay securely with me forever is truly horrific!
I have begun to learn that they are not true but these beliefs still haunt me on a daily basis in different ways. I have to believe that Trotsky was wrong about this to keep the hope alive in my heart that I can change - that my ideas about myself and the world can change - for the better.
I suppose I already have proved to myself that I can change for the better and that the ideas I learned as a child about who I am are not all true. The ideas which have taken their place have been learned and are still being learned under the tutelage of self-care and self-love. These insights come gently and repetitively until they sink into the essence of my being and become a part of me. They take their time and even when they come to me suddenly, they do not hit me with a bang but instead expand my heart and mind to make room for themselves. They are infinitely more precious lessons than any I have learned before and these are the ones which I know will stay with me for life - securely and forever.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
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