Guilt and Punishment

Yesterday was rather challenging.

I felt very tired, grumpy, upset, stressed, unable to concentrate and, on top of that, guilty about feeling that way because it meant I wasn't very 'productive'.

On a wider, sociological point, I can see that our society is programmed to make us as productive as possible from as young an age as possible to as old an age as possible. To make us 'economically viable' for the greatest time period we can be. You can see it on the simple things such as adverts for cold and flu remedies which tell you that if you're sick, you must be able to keep going anyway; the way that people who claim benefits are far too readily labelled as 'scroungers' (particularly by the current government); and the way that if you are a martyr who constantly gives, gives, gives and takes nothing in return then you are lauded and applauded - no matter if doing so makes you ill, it's important that you keep going and keep giving.

So what of the personal origins of this guilt for me?

This morning, I slept through my alarm and so the guilt continued. I actually felt guilty about the fact that I slept a little longer than some random, self-imposed time I should be getting up, despite the fact I had nothing in particular to get up for and could actually have laid in bed all day if I really wanted to.

I realised that it's all about self-punishment. And, I'm fairly sure, links with an addiction to an adrenalised state of being (the theory that if you grow up or live for a long time in an abusive situation, your body becomes normalised to being adrenalised and then is addicted to adrenaline. You will then seek out ways to perpetuate this state of being, whether by thrill-seeking, constant recourse to conflict, or simply by maintaining a high level of stress in your life). So, if I'm stressed about even lying in bed when I'm tired, then even when I'm outwardly resting, adrenaline is working its addictive magic on me. So, guilt is the brain's clever way of getting another fix! Induce a state of stress on the body by providing sufficient mental anxiety, even when there is no real reason for it, and adrenaline will be your reward!

Last week I was working solidly on other projects: I worked and slept and that was pretty much it. It was a highly productive time and very tiring. And yet, I still managed to feel guilty for not writing my blog! And if I'm writing, I feel guilty I'm not doing the washing up or vacuuming. And if I'm doing that, I feel guilty I'm not working on something else or doing one of the who knows how many little unfinished, self-imposed tasks I could be doing. It's a form of insanity because it makes me feel constantly crazy, anxious and unsettled.

What is all this guilt about?

It is definitely about self-punishment. Because it is about not allowing myself to fully enjoy or be absorbed in anything. It's about maintaining a level of stress in my body and mind. And I've been choosing to live in a stressful, self-punishing way for a long time. You can see it in my environment - all the unfinished tasks and clutter - the partners I choose who are always in some way unavailable, the career paths I follow or don't follow, the financial situation I keep myself in.....

Why? Why do I think I deserve all this terrible punishment? Why do I think I'm so unworthy of what I really want, never mind what I really need?

I think that I'm punishing myself for not speaking up about my stepfather when I first found out about him all those years ago. And I think I'm also punishing myself for 'being so bad that I drove my dad to leave'.

I can feel the terrible rawness of these truths scraping at my heart. It's a terrible wound to bear - and I'm punishing myself for having it.

I can feel the anguish of a teenager who was so afraid and angry she did not know what to do and so did what she had been taught for many years - stay silent and do nothing: hide your pain. I can feel the suffering of a little girl who blamed herself for the fact her daddy had left her.

And I can feel this anguish and suffering in so many of my decisions over the years which have kept me in a place of disempowerment and stress. I can feel it in the desperate need to feel like I'm good enough. I can feel it in the torture that is making decisions of any kind because committing to one path could result in further guilt and self-punishment if I'm 'wrong'. And I can feel it in the fact that I consider myself so unworthy of time that I cannot even rest when I'm tired without feeling guilty.

I can feel an immediate drive to provide myself with affirmation of how worthy I am and the fact I deserve good things. To show myself compassion. But I realise, that compassion starts with acceptance. And I need to sit with this new way of seeing for a while in order to really accept it. To give this wound the attention it so sorely needs.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥