That is, I understood that I have spent almost all of my life believing that I deserved to be punished. That I was bad, naughty or wrong in some way and so all of the bad things which happened to me were not only my own fault but that I deserved them.
I learned at a young age that anger, particularly male anger, equalled violence and pain. I learned that appeasing men - ensuring that they were happy, comfortable and pleased with me - was a way to protect myself from that violence and pain. I learned early that manipulating people, again especially men, so that they either would not get angry or, if they already were, would very soon calm down - or at least think it was not my fault so their anger would not be directed at me - was essential. Being wrong about anything (and therefore receiving any kind of criticism about anything, even if it's constructive) has been terrifying because it took me back into this belief that I was wrong and therefore punishment would soon follow. These lessons have stayed with me a very long time. And the belief that I was in control therefore of others' emotions was a part of feeding the belief that if they got angry and therefore I was hurt, that that was my fault and that, ergo, I deserved it.
It's very painful to see these things. But it's not anywhere near as painful as not seeing them. I have known for a long time that I was afraid of anger. And I have also known, though found it much harder to admit, that I have never really trusted men. I have believed that they are untrustworthy, unreliable, violent, cruel, dishonest, dominating and, in the end, will always let you down and abandon you. That they want only pleasure from women and, the minute they get something different, their true colours will show.
And that is what has manifested in my life so far.
The irony is that I have many men in my life - friends and family - who are very loving, kind, trustworthy, reliable, supportive, fun and honest! It's just that I'm always waiting for them to be something different so then I can say 'I knew it! I Knew that's what you were Really like underneath all the niceness!' because that is what I learned about men as a child. And that is a tragedy - for me and for them. Because rather than learning new lessons of what men are like based on all of the positive and wonderful experiences I have had with men over the years, my mind is still drawn to contemplating and anticipating the bad ones. I have been locked into a cycle of fear and violence in my own head that does not necessarily exist in reality. And where it has existed, it's because I've been drawn to - and stayed with - men who will give me that experience: because that maintains my perception of reality. And the possibility of being wrong about that perception is far too frightening because really trusting someone is far too frightening in case they turn out to be cruel, rejecting, cold and let me down when I have made myself so vulnerable by taking down my guard.
I am currently reading a beautiful and inspiring book called 'Ask and it is Given' by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It contains the teachings of a spirit being called Abraham who says we are all loved unconditionally and are here on earth in order to experience 'outrageous joy'. I like that part! Abraham talks about the 'Law of Attraction' whereby what you give attention to is what manifests in your life. If you desire lots of strawberries and focus on having an abundance of them, that is what you will get. If you focus on the lack of strawberries in your life, then that lack is what you will continue to experience.
I focused for a long time on the lack of loving connection with my former partner. And that is what I got. I have given my attention to the anger, rejection, fear and loneliness that has been present for me and for him over a long time period and so that is what was perpetuated. The lessons I learned of old that men were so unreliable, cold, and absent turned into my life experience.
I want to make something very clear here. That is, that I am not saying that it is actually my fault when men have behaved badly towards me - or that it's anyone else's fault when others' behave badly towards them. Some people choose to behave appallingly towards others and that is NEVER the victim's fault. What I AM saying is that, as an adult, I have chosen to perpetuate that suffering by holding negative beliefs about men. And that this belief draws me towards men who will in turn perpetuate that belief. And I stay with them and therefore choose to perpetuate my own suffering (because I choose to stay instead of leaving) because I believe I deserve that. I am being cruel to myself - and also to the man because I am one half of the pair which stays and so keeps us both locked in a cycle of fear, neglect, anger and punishment.
So I have decided to begin again. I am repeating mantras or affirmations every day in order to make me focus on something new and positive about both myself and my life experience and about men. Let's start with the one about men:
"Men are honest, fun, reliable, supportive, brave, loving, kind, trustworthy and passionate."
I find it's really helpful to think of examples where each of these qualities has been apparent to me already in my life. I have chosen a man I know and love to represent each quality because it helps make it more real and gives the mantra a stronger foundation. Same for the next affirmation on my life experience. I want to attract good things to I need to feel worthy of them (which of course we all are, we're just conditioned to think we're not) so it helps if I find examples in my life where I've already experienced these beautiful things to give the affirmation a more solid base.
"I deserve good things - abundance, love, health and joy are all mine to have for the asking."
A glint on a leaf just caught my eye: it's a green-bottle fly shining iridescently in the sunlight. It's beautiful. And its beauty makes me think how we are so often afraid of decay and hate flies and the like because to us they are harbingers of death and decay. But these things can be so beautiful! And if we think in terms of a deeply painful belief or idea which has plagued us our whole life, then its death is indeed not just beautiful but miraculous.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
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