Loving Boundaries

It is hard to write again today.

I have struggled to keep my daily journal too the last few days. I can feel resentment about it and am rebelling against the feeling of 'have to'. I can be very stubborn and will resist 'have to' even if the have to is something I love to do, something which is good for me, something I want to do and imposed by no-one but myself.

It is my inner teenager denying authority, saying 'screw you' and living just as I want to right now in the moment and never mind the consequences. Just don't give me any responsibility even if I ask for it, want it or need it because I've got more than enough responsibility as it is.

And that's the key to it - responsibility. I felt so deeply responsible for everything which happened - from my father leaving onwards - and for everyone else's emotions, that feeling responsible for anything else has been more than I could bear. Including responsibility for myself. And now, I am practising daily not being responsible for other people and their stuff and instead being responsible for myself. To me, this means checking in regularly with how I am, what I'm feeling, keeping tabs on the thoughts running through my head and the story they are telling me - about myself or others - and expressing my truth. It is a place of deeper honesty with myself and has definitely been helped by writing this blog. Not only have I given myself permission to be absolutely honest in these posts, I have committed to writing a post once a week unless on holiday. That commitment has been wonderful for me. 

And now it is challenging. I realise that I decided to write this blog for myself but that the big intention was that it should help other people who found themselves in my position to not feel alone. Now I feel the rebellious teen in me rising up and saying No. Saying enough already with the responsibility! I don't want to help other people, I want to help myself! I wasn't made for this routine, this predictability, this steadiness! I grew in the spirit of chaos and that is what I know and need to feel normal. Adrenaline, insecurity, possible danger - gimme gimme gimme! All the dramas and traumas of life are mine and I need to be involved in them.

Oh, and that's it!! My teen was so afraid of being caught off guard that she immersed herself into the chaos. She became hyper-vigilant of everyone else because that's what helped keep her safe. She felt she had to be involved in what everyone else was doing and their dramas because that's what enabled her survival in a world of danger and confusion. The only time during that period when I actually felt like myself was when I was dancing or singing - and frequently did both very wildly (an outward expression of the inner chaos). Otherwise I was not at home in my own mind or body but was watching out for other people (in both senses of the expression). 

I can feel the pull in my body and mind towards this wildness and passion now and in many ways this is wonderful. And in others it presents the challenge of keeping myself safe. Because as a teenager, I never learned how to take care of myself or knew how to have proper boundaries, so I got into all kinds of situations which were distinctly unhealthy and at times downright dangerous. I was too involved in other people and their stuff to be aware enough of what I needed. Too bent on doing what others wanted rather than what my instincts told me was right for me. Too willing to be a people pleaser to be guided by the inner wisdom which was shouting at me from every cell. 

I feel very sad about this. 

And yet, here I am, alive and able to look at my past and learn meaningful lessons from it which can help me right now in this part of my life. So I can't help but also feel grateful for that sadness. Grateful to myself as a teenager for showing me what is good for me and what is not. And willing to stand up as an adult and say to my inner teen that this is a boundary between health and non-health. That keeping this commitment to write is important for our growth because it teaches that I can be expressive and creative in a safe, non-chaotic way. Because although I do make room in my life for chaos and messiness and think it is vitally important for health and creativity, I do not wish to live my whole life in that way. I also need structure and safety and the ability to set good boundaries. As an adult, it is important to be able to stand up and say No - to yourself as well as other people. No I will not let you off the hook this week just because you are feeling too predictable and afraid of the sense of security and safety that brings which is still a new experience for you. And it is important to be able to say Yes - yes I will honour my commitment, yes I will listen to my instincts and yes I will be deeply loving myself in the process.

Love to you, and to me,

Lyra ♥