Consequences: Ignorance is never bliss.

Yesterday was a day filled with consequences for someone I love.

It was a very challenging day for me because I helped them to sort out the mess. This brought up so many emotions for me - anger, sadness, disappointment, resentment, incredulity, empathy, compassion, fear, guilt, deep concern....

It got me thinking about the consequences of my stepfather's actions in a different way.

For me, I was taught to be responsible for others over and above myself. To ignore what I was thinking, feeling, screaming out inside my head for the 'good' (ha ha) of other people - or, in other words, to keep them 'comfortable'. So, I was to never speak out about my stepfather's alcoholism and abuse because that would have upset and angered everyone. I was to never speak out about how hurt, angry, devastated, depressed or in despair I was in case that made other people uncomfortable. The truth was to be hidden at all costs.

And, very importantly, I was not to tell any of these upsetting things to my mum. She was to be the last to know anything bad. She was somehow fragile and needed protecting from the world and all of its horrors because she would not be able to cope with them (so my stepfather told us so often and in so many ways). Without ever a word spoken between us about it, one of my siblings or I would take it in turns to keep my stepfather at the table in his drunken state so everyone else could escape and/ or comfort my mum.

Of course, there were times when she would try to get all of us out of his way (I remember her once begging me to go upstairs before he got home because she knew he was already drunk and foul-tempered). But in the main, I remember us trying to protect her. I remember lying to her on so many occasions when she asked me if I was ok. Or when she asked if I thought the bile which emanated from him when he was drunk was really the truth of how he felt about us all. I always tried to reassure her that it was just the drink talking and that he loved her really. I feel guilty about that.

The consequences of us all having bought into these lies have been profound. For my mum, she got into the role of a victim who needed protecting and keeping in the dark. She has consequently hidden the truth from herself about really important things - aside from the abuse - which are having a massive impact on her life right now. She has hidden her head in the sand because that's where she learned to put herself - to keep herself comfortable and protected (at least in the short-term). She could not face the truth and we all bought into the lie that everything was fine: we kept ourselves in the old roles. Even yesterday, I was trying to reassure her and to keep the full impact - certainly of my emotions - from her so as not to frighten or upset her.

This is very distressing - to think that I and my family are still caught in this destructive behaviour so deeply. And it's also very illuminating. To see this pattern so clearly means it can change. And, of course, we wish to protect the ones we love and not cause them distress. That is totally natural. But sometimes, the intention to protect comes from a place which is not love. Sometimes it comes from learned behaviour, patterns of coping and comforting lies: a place of sheer destructiveness. And then, in the long-term, it's not helping anyone.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Avoiding the Fire

I have been avoiding writing today.

I'm not sure why because the thought of writing is actually rather exciting. But somehow, tidying up and mowing the lawn have been far more 'important' than sitting down at my computer.

When I find myself avoiding in this way, it usually means I am afraid of something: procrastination is a great defence against actually confronting/ doing/ feeling whatever it is. I know that since I joined Twitter and Facebook last week and made myself more visible, I have felt less inclined to write. The terror of being seen is so great that, even though this blog is anonymous so no-one actually knows who is writing it, I can still feel the fear of being judged, criticized, mocked or put down in some way.

I find it fascinating that my sensitivity about this runs so deep that, despite my anonymity, I am still afraid.

There is only one way to combat this which I have ever known to work. That is, to move through the fear by doing what it is I am afraid of.

Last week I wrote about anger and how I had decided to make anger my friend. It is amazing to me that it has already started to make a difference. I felt very angry over the weekend. After a while the feeling began to fade (as feelings do!) and I realised that I was trying to hold onto it: to stay feeling angry. And the reason for this was because I was not only enjoying feeling angry; I was reveling in it!!

Anger felt delicious to me! Wow! It coursed through my body, filling me with a sense of strength, power  and a mindset of "I can do anything". (I can see how anger could be addictive!) In the mix was also a sense that it could descend into aggression because I could feel in my body something like "Grrrrr.... Get out of my way". However, the enjoyment of this fire was so great that the hint of destruction soon melted and instead I was simply left with that feeling of power. It seems to emanate from my stomach and liver, that power - the centre of my torso (or solar plexus chakra for those of us that way inclined). And also from my diaphragm - as if my body is giving breath to flames of passion that can erupt up and out into expression through my voice and arms.

I know I have kept that fire hidden for most of my life. Sometimes it has even seemed to have gone out for short periods. This past week in making friends with my anger, I have given life to that fire again. I have given myself permission to fan the flames and add more logs to keep it going. It is the fire that made me write today, in spite of the fear - in spite of the uncertainty of what I was running from and therefore what I could write about. It burnt up the fear and used it for fuel in order to find its way out and into the world.

It is my fire which has found its voice right here today.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

I'm so bloody angry!

There is a rage boiling in my innards which threatens to erupt at any moment.

When I allow myself to think about what happened to my brothers and what happened to me at the hands of that filthy disgusting vile man there arises in me such fury and hatred it's frightening. So I don't allow myself to think about it too much - because I'm scared of feeling so angry. I'm scared of what I might do. And I also feel so impotent with it because there's no-one to direct my rage onto. He's gone from my life and I only have his memory to be angry at. And that's not enough for this fury - it wants to scream and punch and kick and scratch and beat to a pulp and destroy forever.

And I've done those things to the memory of him - to his ghost. I've imagined him there and have been so consumed with rage that I've gone cold with it: detached. Felt like I lost my humanity for a moment and become the monster I wanted to destroy. That was terrifying. And yet it was also a relief in a way. To know that I could; that I'm capable of being that way in my head but in reality I choose to be something different.

There's a scene in the fifth Harry Potter which always reduces me to tears - and which I also find comforting. Harry is talking to his godfather Sirius and is afraid that, after all the bad things which have happened to him, "something's gone wrong somewhere" and he's becoming more like Voldemort because he "just feels so angry all the time". He's afraid he is becoming 'bad'. Sirius responds by saying to Harry "You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things have happened to. You understand? Besides, the world is not split into good people and Death Eaters, we've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."

In others words, the fact that monstrous things have happened to us does not make us monsters.

I have held the belief that anger is 'bad' for a long time. This is what I learned as a child and what many of my experiences of anger - my own and other people's - led me to believe because they were so destructive. I have decided to experiment with a new belief - that anger is beneficial to me and to others. I do have some life examples to draw on for this belief but it is still scary to me. I am afraid of where it might lead me.

Because anger spurs us to action. It makes us end things and begin things. It is the cleansing fire with which we sweep our lives clear of what blights us.  That's if we can listen to and act on that fire in a healthy, assertive way. I have passively allowed anger to happen to me or aggressively defended myself against it. Seldom have I felt able to harness and use anger to my advantage.

My hope is that if I can see anger as a good thing which is beneficial to me and to others, that when I feel angry I will no longer feel like something is wrong with me. I will no longer make myself out to be a bad person just for having a particular feeling. I will no longer feel I'm a bad person if someone else is angry with me (because I have 'made' them angry). I really hope that I will learn to be less afraid. Because I know in my head that anger is not bad, just as I know I'm not a bad person and there's nothing wrong with me.

Now I want to feel it in my bones and with all my heart.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

What every raging child needs to hear - even if they're grown up and even if it's from themselves

"Why are you sad?"

"I'm sad with wondering what's happened to you to make you so angry. To make you so destructive of yourself and others and of the things which are important to you.

I know what it's like to bury all the hurt and the fear and be left with only anger because that's the thing which helps you survive; helps you feel that bit safer in a world full of danger.

But underneath, the fear is huge and threatens to overwhelm you on a daily basis. And the pain is so unbearable that you hide it from everyone for fear they will not be able to bear being around you - just as you cannot bear being with yourself.

And how it's impossible to trust anyone because you can't even trust the people who were supposed to care for you and you can't even trust yourself. But still you YEARN for there to be someone - anyone - that you can tell everything to and who will love you anyway. Your heart aches for a person you can love and who loves you in spite of all the rage in your heart, the fear in your belly and your soul full of pain.

And right now you hate me because you think I'm making you feel all these terrible things. But all I'm doing is saying what you're already feeling. And I'm saying that it's ok. That all the rage and shame and fear and loathing and disgust and pain and guilt is all there and waiting for you to be ready to feel it. And make no mistake, it has to be felt. And it's hard. Sometimes harder than anything else you can imagine, just to really feel what you are already feeling.

But I PROMISE you that it makes it better. I promise you that you come out the other side in the end. That you can find your way to joy, to love and even to trust again. Because that is who you were before you learned not to be.

You can learn to be yourself again.

And I will love you through it all."


Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Survival

In terms of a recovery process, Survival is the second stage in my experience.

Survival is about realising two things. The first is a cause for celebration: it is the recognition that you have literally SURVIVED your dysfunctional upbringing and all of the terrible things which have happened in your life.

What an amazing accomplishment this is. Not everyone makes it, let's remember that fact. But you and I have. And we can remember those who didn't but not let that hold us back from seeing what a miracle it is just to be alive. To see clearly that we had the strength, tenacity, determination and the skills to get us through such difficulty to where we are today. It does not matter if our hearts are still breaking or if we are still in the middle of raging at those who caused us harm. We are here. We have prevailed.

So if you're reading this, you are a survivor. Remember that always - you are AMAZING.

The second part of the survival stage is more difficult however. It may bring up a huge amount of grief - I know it has for me. It is the recognition that, up until now, all we have been doing is surviving. The painful lessons and conditioning we learned as children and which our life experiences have reinforced are still very much alive and with us. We have not broken free of the coping mechanisms we acquired in order to survive - instead we are unconsciously still ruled by them.

That is not to say we have not had any time period in our lives when we were really thriving or following our hearts and dreams. It is just that, in the main, we feel unable to break free from the chains of our pasts in order to truly live in and create our present and future as we truly wish them to be.

I have so many dreams I wish to make reality. I take small tiny steps towards them most days. That is as much as I have been able to manage. Because it is so terrifying to me to really be myself in the every day world. There are places where and people with whom I am very much myself and totally honest about what I am feeling or thinking. But this is with friends and takes place where I feel safe. Where people, like me, are striving for greater consciousness and meet each other with all the love they can muster (and that is a lot) even when they are in the midst of their fear and anger.

In general however, I do not trust people to respond that way. I do not trust myself to respond that way. I and they get so caught up in the moment and the emotions that we do not take a step back to see clearly. We forget that there is a beautiful, vulnerable person in front of us and think only of protecting ourselves. It all happens so automatically because we are locked into patterns of not seeing. We are locked into patterns of survival.

And inside we are desperately YEARNING for it all to be different. And, in my experience, going back into victim mode and blaming someone else for the fact that they are the same. But the truth (as I see it!) is that we are the only ones who can change our lives. We are the only ones who can step beyond the Victim, step beyond the Survivor and into being fully ourselves and following our dreams. That is the third stage: the stage of THRIVING.

Thriving is where we recognise fully that we are responsible for creating and shaping our own lives and are able to live to our full potential. It is the place of happiness, fulfillment and contentment with what is.

Personally, I am largely in Survivor mode still. I also still dip into the Victim pool for a swim fairly regularly. I'm getting better at realising that my skin's gone like a prune in there though and it's time to come out! There has been a lot of grief for me attached to the Survivor stage. However, I also try to mix that in with celebration of how far I've come - and I've come a long way.

My moments of Thriving though are becoming more frequent. It feels like it something which is coming in manageable steps. There is time for everything and everything must be given its time. There isn't much point in me wishing things were different because they are not and I am learning huge amounts from them being just as they are. I still wish though! And actually, perhaps the point in wishing is that it keeps hope alive for me. Hope is important. It is the last little voice which came out of Pandora's Box and it is the one which keeps us going - sometimes when all else is lost. I read a book years ago at the end of which the question was asked "Which is the greater - Faith, Hope or Love?". The answer in the book was Love. I would agree but I think that Faith and Hope are also vital to us - they are what keep us going on the long path towards finding Love. Faith and Hope help us move through being a Victim and through being a Survivor. They help move us towards the greatest part of Thriving I think there is: Love of Self.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Memories

I have been looking at old photos today. I have lost myself in a sea of memories and thoughts about the past. I am struck by two things in particular.

The first is the loss. My god, there is so much loss. So many loved ones who have passed away. Too many to count on both hands. And yet here they all are, smiling up at me from paper records of happy times. And that is the second thing: joy. There is so much joy in those faces and the memories they stir in me. I feel so lucky to have had so many beautiful, loving and inspiring people in my life.

And every picture which came up of my stepfather was met with a pang - of fear, anger, hate, sadness, disgust, shame.... So many feelings. And I am loathe to admit to the fact that at times when looking at pictures of my siblings, I was working out in my head whether it would have been taken before or after they were abused. The horror that brings up in me is so unbearable. To see the beautiful innocent faces of them as young children, knowing what was in store for them just a few years later.... The pain in my heart is, well, I don't have a word for how much it hurts.

I knew it would be like this. It's why I procrastinated about going through the photos for so long. I was scared about what it would bring up. But perhaps it is just time for these things to be felt. It is as if, every time I feel these things, a new layer of it is uncovered. A new depth but also a new release. The balance of pain and relief brings a kind of 'calm after the storm' feeling. I don't remember where the idea came from that you do not feel or experience anything you are not ready to feel or experience when it comes to healing. Perhaps that is true. With each day, I grow a little stronger and heal a little more so, when the pain comes, it is a little more acute each time - because that is what I can bear. But the relief from feeling and expressing that pain is also stronger. Wails of despair turn into huge sighs of gratitude. I am grateful that I am no longer in that despair on a daily basis. I am grateful that I Can feel - that I have not turned off my emotions because they are too much to cope with.

All of it somehow brings me closer to the truth. I know the truth of what happened and yet knowing it in my head and being able to admit it emotionally - to really feel it - are very different, I have realised. And each day such as today spent feeling the pain, really moving through it and coming out the other side into gratitude, is a day that is enormously worthwhile. Because each of these days brings me closer to myself, to my humanity, and closer in my connections with the people who matter most to me. And that is, to me, where true joy lies.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

I Deserve Good Things

I had a very meaningful realisation today.

That is, I understood that I have spent almost all of my life believing that I deserved to be punished. That I was bad, naughty or wrong in some way and so all of the bad things which happened to me were not only my own fault but that I deserved them.


I learned at a young age that anger, particularly male anger, equalled violence and pain. I learned that appeasing men - ensuring that they were happy, comfortable and pleased with me - was a way to protect myself from that violence and pain. I learned early that manipulating people, again especially men, so that they either would not get angry or, if they already were, would very soon calm down - or at least think it was not my fault so their anger would not be directed at me - was essential. Being wrong about anything (and therefore receiving any kind of criticism about anything, even if it's constructive) has been terrifying because it took me back into this belief that I was wrong and therefore punishment would soon follow. These lessons have stayed with me a very long time. And the belief that I was in control therefore of others' emotions was a part of feeding the belief that if they got angry and therefore I was hurt, that that was my fault and that, ergo, I deserved it.


It's very painful to see these things. But it's not anywhere near as painful as not seeing them. I have known for a long time that I was afraid of anger. And I have also known, though found it much harder to admit, that I have never really trusted men. I have believed that they are untrustworthy, unreliable, violent, cruel, dishonest, dominating and, in the end, will always let you down and abandon you. That they want only pleasure from women and, the minute they get something different, their true colours will show.


And that is what has manifested in my life so far.


The irony is that I have many men in my life - friends and family - who are very loving, kind, trustworthy, reliable, supportive, fun and honest! It's just that I'm always waiting for them to be something different so then I can say 'I knew it! I Knew that's what you were Really like underneath all the niceness!' because that is what I learned about men as a child. And that is  a tragedy - for me and for them. Because rather than learning new lessons of what men are like based on all of the positive and wonderful experiences I have had with men over the years, my mind is still drawn to contemplating and anticipating the bad ones. I have been locked into a cycle of fear and violence in my own head that does not necessarily exist in reality. And where it has existed, it's because I've been drawn to - and stayed with - men who will give me that experience: because that maintains my perception of reality. And the possibility of being wrong about that perception is far too frightening because really trusting someone is far too frightening in case they turn out to be cruel, rejecting, cold and let me down when I have made myself so vulnerable by taking down my guard.


I am currently reading a beautiful and inspiring book called 'Ask and it is Given' by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It contains the teachings of a spirit being called Abraham who says we are all loved unconditionally and are here on earth in order to experience 'outrageous joy'. I like that part! Abraham talks about the 'Law of Attraction' whereby what you give attention to is what manifests in your life. If you desire lots of strawberries and focus on having an abundance of them, that is what you will get. If you focus on the lack of strawberries in your life, then that lack is what you will continue to experience.


I focused for a long time on the lack of loving connection with my former partner. And that is what I got. I have given my attention to the anger, rejection, fear and loneliness that has been present for me and for him over a long time period and so that is what was perpetuated. The lessons I learned of old that men were so unreliable, cold, and absent turned into my life experience.


I want to make something very clear here. That is, that I am not saying that it is actually my fault when men have behaved badly towards me - or that it's anyone else's fault when others' behave badly towards them. Some people choose to behave appallingly towards others and that is NEVER the victim's fault. What I AM saying is that, as an adult, I have chosen to perpetuate that suffering by holding negative beliefs about men. And that this belief draws me towards men who will in turn perpetuate that belief. And I stay with them and therefore choose to perpetuate my own suffering (because I choose to stay instead of leaving) because I believe I deserve that. I am being cruel to myself - and also to the man because I am one half of the pair which stays and so keeps us both locked in a cycle of fear, neglect, anger and punishment.


So I have decided to begin again. I am repeating mantras or affirmations every day in order to make me focus on something new and positive about both myself and my life experience and about men. Let's start with the one about men:


"Men are honest, fun, reliable, supportive, brave, loving, kind, trustworthy and passionate."


I find it's really helpful to think of examples where each of these qualities has been apparent to me already in my life. I have chosen a man I know and love to represent each quality because it helps make it more real and gives the mantra a stronger foundation. Same for the next affirmation on my life experience. I want to attract good things to I need to feel worthy of them (which of course we all are, we're just conditioned to think we're not) so it helps if I find examples in my life where I've already experienced these beautiful things to give the affirmation a more solid base.


"I deserve good things - abundance, love, health and joy are all mine to have for the asking."


A glint on a leaf just caught my eye: it's a green-bottle fly shining iridescently in the sunlight. It's beautiful. And its beauty makes me think how we are so often afraid of decay and hate flies and the like because to us they are harbingers of death and decay. But these things can be so beautiful! And if we think in terms of a deeply painful belief or idea which has plagued us our whole life, then its death is indeed not just beautiful but miraculous.


Love to you,
Lyra ♥