I belong to a trauma support group on Facebook and have noticed something rather interesting.
Most of the time when someone posts that they feel awful and are basically reaching out for support, two things happen. One is that they apologise for being negative/ needy/ petty. The other is that they ask how everyone else is and send them hugs.
I find this fascinating because it basically means that, certainly when we are traumatised, we feel unable to ask for help/ love/ reassurance without offering something in return and also apologising for having needs!
I know I have done this a lot in the past and still do. It makes me think of a quote I read recently that a gift is not really a gift unless you expect nothing in return. Well, often we are also unable to accept gifts without expecting ourselves to offer something in return. All of which I am sure stems from low self-esteem and a lack of feeling worthy or entitled.
I am personally feeling highly volatile at present - in the changeable, fluctuating, mercurial sense of the word. I have spent the last few days exploring anger in some depth and through it have found several things. A deeper sense of connection with myself. A strong sense of solidity - of being 'full up' with myself. The embodied knowledge that anger is highly energising and as long as I own it and use it constructively, is a powerful agent for change. That anger, creativity and sexuality have the same energetic source and all involve the combination of intimacy, vulnerability and passion. And that where, personally, I find fear to be something that disconnects me from others (and often from reality), anger reconnects me to others (and to reality) as long as I express it clearly, cleanly and with an engaged heart.
And learning all of that has taught me that it is not only wonderful to feel angry - joyful even! - it also helps me to assert my boundaries in a definite, healthy and loving way. The boundaries of what I do and do not want, will and will not accept, and the boundaries of my needs. And that that enables me to express my needs clearly and lovingly - without demand from another that they meet them and without demand from myself that I must offer something in return. And of course then I am vulnerable to rejection. But I have realised that I would rather be rejected (cleanly, clearly, honestly and heartfully) than live in the fear and uncertainty of not asking.
And that is a truly empowering thing to feel.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Monday, 31 October 2011
Monday, 17 October 2011
A Fresh Look
I have made a new discovery!
Over the last few days, the Universe has been conspiring to bring me to a place of understanding: of just how capable I am.
My energy has been up and I have realised just how much I can do in a day - without exhausting myself, without being self-punishing, without getting badly out of balance.
I have been, for a while now, feeling better than I used to. I still get days where I'm not up to much at all but they are much fewer and further between than they have been for a very long time. I have still been living in a mindset of fear when it comes to doing things however. I have been so afraid of doing 'too much' (whatever that means in the moment) in case I get tired. Because I am so afraid of being tired because of what it has meant for me in the past. Being tired meant being exhausted; it meant feeling ill and depressed; it meant not really having a life or feeling able in any way.
But even though now my tiredness is more at a 'normal' level (that is, I get tired from being busy - just like everyone else), it has been very hard to get out of the mindset of caution. I have spent days only doing one or two things because I have been so scared of doing too much and exhausting myself. I don't feel badly about this. I have at times kept a daily 'diary of achievements' to help me see that I can do things. It began with 'I got out of bed this morning'. And that really was a huge achievement. It was only a few months ago that doing as much as I have done today (a full day's work) would have been impossible - physically, psychologically and emotionally. I felt fragile and ill, as I had done for a long time. And anyone reading this diary a couple of weeks ago would understand that, sometimes, I still do.
Not every day however. Not anymore. My fear of being ill has not diminished though: until now. The last few days I have got so much done!! And far from feeling tired from it - I feel fantastic! I feel such a great sense of accomplishment. And this in turn has made me feel more confident, inspired and motivated to do more. I have balanced my days as far as possible - not just doing one type of thing (though today has been spent at the computer admittedly). I am attempting to rebuild my life in a way that maintains my health - that is sustainable on a personal level. And in terms of overcoming my fears, the last few days have taken me a giant leap forward.
It's been a long time coming and I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel :-)
Love to you.
Lyra ♥
Over the last few days, the Universe has been conspiring to bring me to a place of understanding: of just how capable I am.
My energy has been up and I have realised just how much I can do in a day - without exhausting myself, without being self-punishing, without getting badly out of balance.
I have been, for a while now, feeling better than I used to. I still get days where I'm not up to much at all but they are much fewer and further between than they have been for a very long time. I have still been living in a mindset of fear when it comes to doing things however. I have been so afraid of doing 'too much' (whatever that means in the moment) in case I get tired. Because I am so afraid of being tired because of what it has meant for me in the past. Being tired meant being exhausted; it meant feeling ill and depressed; it meant not really having a life or feeling able in any way.
But even though now my tiredness is more at a 'normal' level (that is, I get tired from being busy - just like everyone else), it has been very hard to get out of the mindset of caution. I have spent days only doing one or two things because I have been so scared of doing too much and exhausting myself. I don't feel badly about this. I have at times kept a daily 'diary of achievements' to help me see that I can do things. It began with 'I got out of bed this morning'. And that really was a huge achievement. It was only a few months ago that doing as much as I have done today (a full day's work) would have been impossible - physically, psychologically and emotionally. I felt fragile and ill, as I had done for a long time. And anyone reading this diary a couple of weeks ago would understand that, sometimes, I still do.
Not every day however. Not anymore. My fear of being ill has not diminished though: until now. The last few days I have got so much done!! And far from feeling tired from it - I feel fantastic! I feel such a great sense of accomplishment. And this in turn has made me feel more confident, inspired and motivated to do more. I have balanced my days as far as possible - not just doing one type of thing (though today has been spent at the computer admittedly). I am attempting to rebuild my life in a way that maintains my health - that is sustainable on a personal level. And in terms of overcoming my fears, the last few days have taken me a giant leap forward.
It's been a long time coming and I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel :-)
Love to you.
Lyra ♥
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
What a difference a week makes...
I have realised just how cyclical a creature I am.
It started from reading Miranda Gray's Red Moon. I began keeping a chart of my menstrual cycle including how I feel each day, what my energy is like, what dreams I have.... it's been so revealing to me. And so infinitely helpful. To understand that when I feel low, this will change and, aside from life events, it is often due to where in my cycle I am, is wonderful because it makes me feel like I am in charge again. At least, that's how I feel today!
I have been struggling deeply with my sense of identity - of myself as a woman and what that means. This cycle chart has been very beneficial in that journey. It has helped me to understand that I am different people at different times - and that that is totally natural. It is simply how my nature works as a woman. At times I am soft, vulnerable, sad and withdrawn; at others I am wild, passionate and sexy; and at still others I am strong, focused and logical. How wonderful to feel that all of this is at my fingertips! How amazing to know that I am capable of being all of these things - and I definitely am because I have already been all of those things!
I have a tendency, like many others who have suffered trauma, to look at my past and see the bad in myself. To go over and over the things I have done wrong and regret or have suffered. Which of course only serves to prolong the pattern of suffering - but which must be gone through like any other part of the healing process.
More and more however, I am looking at the good stuff - and actually, there is a lot of it! There are many more times I have done the right thing than the wrong; been kind rather than unkind; had beautiful, connecting, loving times rather than ones full of fear, conflict and trauma (particularly more recently).
I am learning that men CAN be trustworthy, kind and honest. Probably because I am learning just how much that is true of me too! And I feel that, because of that, I am inviting more positive experiences into my life of men being kind, trustworthy and honest. I feel, possibly for the first time in my life, that I am really rooting for myself: that I am showing up and giving myself what I need and that that is giving me daily more strength and courage to face my fears than I have ever had.
And I am still terrified of going out into the world and still feel shame about the fact that I have been withdrawn from it for so long - particularly with regard to the world of work and career. But each day that passes, the fear of NOT going out into the world and the consequences of that become a little bigger and the fear of going out into the world lessens as I learn through new experiences that going out there can be a beautiful, joyful thing to do that nourishes and connects me. And learning that in a social context first is very helpful: it allows me to realise my worth as a person which naturally makes me begin to think that I am also worthy of achieving my dreams. In particular, my dream of earning a good living doing what I love. A vital part of moving from surviving into thriving.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
It started from reading Miranda Gray's Red Moon. I began keeping a chart of my menstrual cycle including how I feel each day, what my energy is like, what dreams I have.... it's been so revealing to me. And so infinitely helpful. To understand that when I feel low, this will change and, aside from life events, it is often due to where in my cycle I am, is wonderful because it makes me feel like I am in charge again. At least, that's how I feel today!
I have been struggling deeply with my sense of identity - of myself as a woman and what that means. This cycle chart has been very beneficial in that journey. It has helped me to understand that I am different people at different times - and that that is totally natural. It is simply how my nature works as a woman. At times I am soft, vulnerable, sad and withdrawn; at others I am wild, passionate and sexy; and at still others I am strong, focused and logical. How wonderful to feel that all of this is at my fingertips! How amazing to know that I am capable of being all of these things - and I definitely am because I have already been all of those things!
I have a tendency, like many others who have suffered trauma, to look at my past and see the bad in myself. To go over and over the things I have done wrong and regret or have suffered. Which of course only serves to prolong the pattern of suffering - but which must be gone through like any other part of the healing process.
More and more however, I am looking at the good stuff - and actually, there is a lot of it! There are many more times I have done the right thing than the wrong; been kind rather than unkind; had beautiful, connecting, loving times rather than ones full of fear, conflict and trauma (particularly more recently).
I am learning that men CAN be trustworthy, kind and honest. Probably because I am learning just how much that is true of me too! And I feel that, because of that, I am inviting more positive experiences into my life of men being kind, trustworthy and honest. I feel, possibly for the first time in my life, that I am really rooting for myself: that I am showing up and giving myself what I need and that that is giving me daily more strength and courage to face my fears than I have ever had.
And I am still terrified of going out into the world and still feel shame about the fact that I have been withdrawn from it for so long - particularly with regard to the world of work and career. But each day that passes, the fear of NOT going out into the world and the consequences of that become a little bigger and the fear of going out into the world lessens as I learn through new experiences that going out there can be a beautiful, joyful thing to do that nourishes and connects me. And learning that in a social context first is very helpful: it allows me to realise my worth as a person which naturally makes me begin to think that I am also worthy of achieving my dreams. In particular, my dream of earning a good living doing what I love. A vital part of moving from surviving into thriving.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Monday, 3 October 2011
Scary Needs Safety First
This morning I woke up and was quickly drenched in fear.
A lot of past events ran through my mind and I felt the residue of them in my body. Hips clenched, my jaw was tight, arms wrapped around myself or hands holding the part of my body which felt most frightened.
Eventually I managed to get up and have some breakfast. I wrote my journal and realised that I felt exhausted and wanted to go back to sleep - if nothing else to have another hour of respite from feeling. Normally I would have overridden this: viewed it as a weakness and not something to be indulged when I 'should' be getting on with so many other things.
But today, I showed myself a bit more compassion and went back to bed. I slept deeply and now this afternoon I feel able to cope with the feelings which are coming up. They have moved to the background a bit which is why I feel able to write.
I am healing some old wounds - old wounds which have been exacerbated by more recent ones. They carry such huge shame and such terror and at times I feel as if I have reached my limits and simply cannot hold anymore. I think maybe that's where the sleep came in helpful. Being kind to myself helped me to let go. To not have to hold it all for a while by surrendering to sleep.
I still feel guilty for giving myself what I needed - after all, sleeping is not what I should be doing on a Monday morning! I should be out working like 'normal' people. Like healthy people. But that's the point isn't it. I'm not out there working because I feel exhausted quite often or simply unable to cope. It's hard to admit that. Because it's how I've been feeling for so long and I do feel a huge amount better than I used to. I'm just not quite 'there' yet. Not quite able to go out into the world - or at least feel huge terror about doing so because it feels so dangerous out there and I feel so inadequate.
And of course the more I do to heal myself, the more the fears and shame come up. Because the things I do to heal myself confront those feelings and bring them out into the open - instead of staying where they've been repressed for years. And I know this is a good thing and is healthy. It's just not easy!
I realised this morning that I felt very unsafe. Part of going back to sleep was about recovering a sense of safety: being in my bed where I feel safe and surrendering into that. I am typing this from my bed. Thank goodness the wifi is working today! I am going so deeply into my fears that I need to counter-balance this with really taking good care of myself. And allowing myself to sleep when I need to, eating good food regularly, really listening to what my body is telling me about what it needs.... these things all help me to feel safer because they help me to feel heard. Not being heard has been the source of much terror, pain, shame and anger for me (just as being heard is now scary). So I am giving myself the gifts I need to feel safe again; to learn to trust, at least in myself.
I need to be heard.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
A lot of past events ran through my mind and I felt the residue of them in my body. Hips clenched, my jaw was tight, arms wrapped around myself or hands holding the part of my body which felt most frightened.
Eventually I managed to get up and have some breakfast. I wrote my journal and realised that I felt exhausted and wanted to go back to sleep - if nothing else to have another hour of respite from feeling. Normally I would have overridden this: viewed it as a weakness and not something to be indulged when I 'should' be getting on with so many other things.
But today, I showed myself a bit more compassion and went back to bed. I slept deeply and now this afternoon I feel able to cope with the feelings which are coming up. They have moved to the background a bit which is why I feel able to write.
I am healing some old wounds - old wounds which have been exacerbated by more recent ones. They carry such huge shame and such terror and at times I feel as if I have reached my limits and simply cannot hold anymore. I think maybe that's where the sleep came in helpful. Being kind to myself helped me to let go. To not have to hold it all for a while by surrendering to sleep.
I still feel guilty for giving myself what I needed - after all, sleeping is not what I should be doing on a Monday morning! I should be out working like 'normal' people. Like healthy people. But that's the point isn't it. I'm not out there working because I feel exhausted quite often or simply unable to cope. It's hard to admit that. Because it's how I've been feeling for so long and I do feel a huge amount better than I used to. I'm just not quite 'there' yet. Not quite able to go out into the world - or at least feel huge terror about doing so because it feels so dangerous out there and I feel so inadequate.
And of course the more I do to heal myself, the more the fears and shame come up. Because the things I do to heal myself confront those feelings and bring them out into the open - instead of staying where they've been repressed for years. And I know this is a good thing and is healthy. It's just not easy!
I realised this morning that I felt very unsafe. Part of going back to sleep was about recovering a sense of safety: being in my bed where I feel safe and surrendering into that. I am typing this from my bed. Thank goodness the wifi is working today! I am going so deeply into my fears that I need to counter-balance this with really taking good care of myself. And allowing myself to sleep when I need to, eating good food regularly, really listening to what my body is telling me about what it needs.... these things all help me to feel safer because they help me to feel heard. Not being heard has been the source of much terror, pain, shame and anger for me (just as being heard is now scary). So I am giving myself the gifts I need to feel safe again; to learn to trust, at least in myself.
I need to be heard.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)