The Lie of Too Much

There is a huge amount of fear in my life. I live in fear on a daily basis.

I am afraid of being selfish, or being a doormat; of not being able to say no or not having my no heard; of not being able to say yes or having my yes rejected; afraid of commitment, afraid of drifting; afraid of attack and terrible things happening; afraid of never feeling 'alright'; afraid of saying the wrong thing; afraid of my own power and of other people's; afraid I will never find lasting love or have a family of my own; afraid I will never have financial security; afraid of anger, of being the 'cause' of others' anger or discomfort or sadness; afraid I feel too much or not enough….. The list goes on and on.

Some of it is primal fear, learned from experience and sits in my body, my guts, telling me to run or fight. It makes me wake up and it keeps me alive.

But a huge amount of it is mental anxiety and springs from my head. From the imagining of future possibilities full of terror, pain and despair. It makes me shut down and disassociate from the present. I have got better at spotting these anxiety spirals and soothing myself out of them but it takes work and practice and the tendency is still very much there.

I think much of it comes from believing I am 'too' something. 'Too sensitive', 'too emotional', 'too broken': 'too much'. Too much for others to handle or want to be around. And with that comes great swathes of shame and guilt. The 'oh no, I took too much space/time/attention/love there, I should have done xyz instead'.

And at times, I think I am too much for some people. We all are. That doesn't mean that I am wrong to be myself!! It just means that some people will take a step back in that situation. And I then have to feel the emotions of that. It doesn't mean I have to stop being myself. What a revelation!!!!! (To me anyway!).

I really don't have to stop being myself in order to make others feel comfortable. I simply need to tolerate the consequences. If I express so much grief or joy that some people back away, for whatever reason, (usually because they are afraid of feeling that themselves, but not always), I need to be able to accept the fact that this is their prerogative. And that I can choose to adjust my behaviour if I wish to but that I do not have to.

I don't mean that I have carte blanche to do anything I like and screw the consequences for others. I'm not talking about getting so angry that I hit someone and that's ok because I'm just expressing myself. 

I am, however, meaning heart-full, responsible self-expression. Being able to say 'I am so angry right now' in a way that is assertive and full of feeling but is not passive or aggressive. Being able to vent my grief by sobbing my heart out, free from shame. Being able to be deeply joyful in spite of any guilt which may arise.

I have been told not to cry at a funeral. I have been told I cannot laugh (about something totally unrelated) because someone else was experiencing grief. I have been told I cannot be angry because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable. And NONE of this is true.

And I have tried to manipulate others too into feeling, in particular, not angry because anger makes me afraid. I feel sad about that. But I wish to take responsibility for it so that I can change that behaviour. Because it is so linked with being able to stand up and say 'what you are doing makes me very uncomfortable. It's too much for me right now and I need to remove myself from this situation. Perhaps we can talk about this later or another day'. And I have so rarely been able to say this. I have thought that I had to accept whatever behaviour people have thrown at me because that's what 'being loving' is, not understanding that I was not loving them or myself because I was instead trying to cover up my real feelings (of fear) and instead trying to change them into feeling or being something else that was less frightening for me.

And I have had other people do that to me a LOT. Tell me (often directly) that I am wrong. That somehow in myself I am so wrong that I make other people deeply uncomfortable or unhappy. That it is all my fault. I have believed these lies for a long time and they have filled me with fear, guilt and shame. Made me feel unable to really be myself - the self who is full of feeling and has so much to offer the world. The self who is empowered and passionate and expresses herself heartfully and articulately.

Well, the tide is turning.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Loving Boundaries

It is hard to write again today.

I have struggled to keep my daily journal too the last few days. I can feel resentment about it and am rebelling against the feeling of 'have to'. I can be very stubborn and will resist 'have to' even if the have to is something I love to do, something which is good for me, something I want to do and imposed by no-one but myself.

It is my inner teenager denying authority, saying 'screw you' and living just as I want to right now in the moment and never mind the consequences. Just don't give me any responsibility even if I ask for it, want it or need it because I've got more than enough responsibility as it is.

And that's the key to it - responsibility. I felt so deeply responsible for everything which happened - from my father leaving onwards - and for everyone else's emotions, that feeling responsible for anything else has been more than I could bear. Including responsibility for myself. And now, I am practising daily not being responsible for other people and their stuff and instead being responsible for myself. To me, this means checking in regularly with how I am, what I'm feeling, keeping tabs on the thoughts running through my head and the story they are telling me - about myself or others - and expressing my truth. It is a place of deeper honesty with myself and has definitely been helped by writing this blog. Not only have I given myself permission to be absolutely honest in these posts, I have committed to writing a post once a week unless on holiday. That commitment has been wonderful for me. 

And now it is challenging. I realise that I decided to write this blog for myself but that the big intention was that it should help other people who found themselves in my position to not feel alone. Now I feel the rebellious teen in me rising up and saying No. Saying enough already with the responsibility! I don't want to help other people, I want to help myself! I wasn't made for this routine, this predictability, this steadiness! I grew in the spirit of chaos and that is what I know and need to feel normal. Adrenaline, insecurity, possible danger - gimme gimme gimme! All the dramas and traumas of life are mine and I need to be involved in them.

Oh, and that's it!! My teen was so afraid of being caught off guard that she immersed herself into the chaos. She became hyper-vigilant of everyone else because that's what helped keep her safe. She felt she had to be involved in what everyone else was doing and their dramas because that's what enabled her survival in a world of danger and confusion. The only time during that period when I actually felt like myself was when I was dancing or singing - and frequently did both very wildly (an outward expression of the inner chaos). Otherwise I was not at home in my own mind or body but was watching out for other people (in both senses of the expression). 

I can feel the pull in my body and mind towards this wildness and passion now and in many ways this is wonderful. And in others it presents the challenge of keeping myself safe. Because as a teenager, I never learned how to take care of myself or knew how to have proper boundaries, so I got into all kinds of situations which were distinctly unhealthy and at times downright dangerous. I was too involved in other people and their stuff to be aware enough of what I needed. Too bent on doing what others wanted rather than what my instincts told me was right for me. Too willing to be a people pleaser to be guided by the inner wisdom which was shouting at me from every cell. 

I feel very sad about this. 

And yet, here I am, alive and able to look at my past and learn meaningful lessons from it which can help me right now in this part of my life. So I can't help but also feel grateful for that sadness. Grateful to myself as a teenager for showing me what is good for me and what is not. And willing to stand up as an adult and say to my inner teen that this is a boundary between health and non-health. That keeping this commitment to write is important for our growth because it teaches that I can be expressive and creative in a safe, non-chaotic way. Because although I do make room in my life for chaos and messiness and think it is vitally important for health and creativity, I do not wish to live my whole life in that way. I also need structure and safety and the ability to set good boundaries. As an adult, it is important to be able to stand up and say No - to yourself as well as other people. No I will not let you off the hook this week just because you are feeling too predictable and afraid of the sense of security and safety that brings which is still a new experience for you. And it is important to be able to say Yes - yes I will honour my commitment, yes I will listen to my instincts and yes I will be deeply loving myself in the process.

Love to you, and to me,

Lyra ♥

The Inspiration of Fear and Frustration

I am avoiding writing again today. But today, the reason for it feels different. It's because I want to be seen!

I am feeling frustration at writing this blog anonymously!

This is an almost unbelievable shift for me. The desire to be visible has not reared its head often in many years and yet here it is, and it's strong. Stronger than the fear of being seen.

And actually, I find myself welcoming this frustration because what an amazing realisation it has brought me - that I wish to be seen more than I wish to hide in fear and shame. A more precious gift I cannot think of!

I have been finding it so fabulous in the last few days that I have been feeling joyful about my anger or fear for the simple fact that I am recognising them as the teachers they are and when they bring such beautiful lessons, how can I not feel joyful about the experience?!

I always find it fascinating to notice that you don't get something till you get it. That is, you can understand a concept perfectly well intellectually, but until it really sinks in, the knowledge in itself does little to alter your actual perception or behaviour. Then suddenly you get a little 'Eureka' moment and it's as if the lights have been switched on and... Ohhhhhhh - THAT's what everyone meant!

Lately I've been feeling as if I'm in a growth spurt with these little lights being turned on all the time about so many things, ideas, patterns and facets of my behaviour. I gain clarity about myself and my life on an almost daily basis and it is utterly inspiring. To have spent so much of your living in fear, to have the experience of your other desires outweighing it is totally, well, awesome. I literally feel in awe of it. And afraid it will go away! Afraid that I'm not 'up to the task' and will sink back into fear and invisibility.

The thing is, I probably will. But I get now that I move in cycles and spirals and waves: that nothing is constant and yet everything comes back to us - the good as well as the bad. So if I sink into fear again, I have only to move through it because on the other side will be something else. And, in my experience, the something else is wonderful.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Sex & Punishment, Anger & Shame

I've realised I'm ashamed of my anger.


If I feel angry towards someone, I try to hide it because I feel like I'm doing something wrong - betraying them somehow by being angry with them. Perhaps it has to do with love: perhaps I associate anger with not loving and not being angry with loving.


I was asked recently if I thought I had allowed myself to be angry enough with my ex-partner. I do not think I have. I think I learned when I was young that being angry was pretty pointless because it did not make any difference to anything. My situation did not change; no one stopped my stepfather from behaving so awfully; and, importantly, I did not feel any better. I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. So what was the point in expressing it?


I felt the same way with my partner. I felt angry all the time in the end. And if I expressed it directly, it made no difference to the situation nor to how I felt. Again, I did not feel my anger was ever really heard or acknowledged. And within that situation I felt very disempowered and defeated so the thought of repeatedly trying over and over to express myself felt both terribly difficult and pretty futile.


I am finding this all very hard to write about. Shame makes me want to hide so writing about it and putting it out there in the public domain is downright painful! I can feel the urge in me rising to apologise for myself somehow - for the lack of flow in my writing or for the subject matter or anything. And with that realisation, I feel the funny side of it and also a lot of compassion for myself.


I remind myself of the wonderful lesson that the only way to move through something is to feel it; the only way to conquer your fears or not live in shame is to do the thing you are afraid of or talk about the thing of which you are ashamed. In other words, to take action - to do the thing which your fear or shame are wanting to stop you from doing. So, I must keep talking about my shame. Expressing it. Having understanding of and compassion for it.


I wrote some ideas down a couple of weeks ago about sex and punishment within relationships. I was feeling really angry and allowed myself to express that anger on the page. I was going to use it as an entry on this blog. But something stopped me: fear and shame. What I wrote isn't even hugely rage-full. But, still, I was afraid that, if people saw this expression of anger from me that I was so ashamed of, that they would not love me anymore. They would be so appalled and disgusted at my feelings and thoughts that they would 'unfriend' me on Facebook or metaphorically spit on me in the street. That's a strong reaction to have. To feel like my anger is so destructive it could literally turn people against me and make loving people behave terribly towards me. I feel sad that that is how I feel. That I have turned my anger inwards for so long that I have learned how destructive it can be so dare not turn it outwards.


And I realise that when I feel angry, I also feel young - like a child, or at least a teenager. I think my ability to express my anger in a mature, healthy way got stuck at that point - probably at the point where I learned for definite how futile it was. I think perhaps the final blow came when my stepfather had done something appalling and in a temper I said to my mum that I hated him and she just said 'I know'. I was so shocked. She seemed so defeated and in that moment, I felt defeated too. I gave up. I thought that anger was supposed to be a signal that something needed to change and that it gave you the energy to do what it took to change it. But if nothing you ever do about the situation you most want to change makes the slightest bit of difference, then anger becomes pointless and a feeling of helplessness takes over.


I used to think that walking away was giving up. That it meant I had somehow lost and that it meant I was useless. Now I understand that walking away from a situation that is unhealthy and unhappy, is a powerful, positive action for change and possibly the most healing thing you can do. I can therefore turn the shame of a broken relationship into pride for having enough self-love to do what was best for me - and probably for my ex too.


I also realise that I am ashamed of sex. I have been taught through myriad experiences, that my sexual drive, the sexual violence I have suffered, the sexual violence which others I love have suffered, the fact my ex would not have sex with me and simply my sexuality in general is something to be ashamed of. Well I'm tired of feeling that way. I believe sexuality is something to be celebrated and held sacred. Not used, abused or denied.


I am therefore going to face both my greatest sources of shame in one fell swoop. So, here, unedited, is my angry expression about sex, as written and hidden from view until now. Please be gentle!

The Safe Female

I'm wondering about women and sex.

I think perhaps that men, particularly if they have been through trauma and, most especially if their mother was distant, uncaring, rejecting or punishing in some way, have a desire to create a 'safe female' in their life. (I'm sure that this also works the other way round too with men and women creating 'safe males' or safe males or females in in same-gender relationships. I will refer to a heterosexual couple where it is the female who is made safe simply because that is where my experience lies).

In turn, if a woman has been through trauma in her life, particularly if she has suffered abuse, violence or abandonment by her father, she will also wish to become a 'safe female' (because she will want to keep herself safe from violence or abandonment in future - in other words, she regards these acts as being her fault).

Therefore, the man and woman both conspire to make the woman safe. And I think this is most especially the case with regard to sex - likely because sex is an obvious sign of issues in a relationship and also because the emotions and behaviours which arise around sex are very potent.

What I mean by safe is controlled. The woman allows herself to be controlled by the man sexually which then naturally leads her to being controlled in most or every other aspect of the relationship as well - so she is made safe. This is also particularly true in the realm of emotional control as, often and traditionally, women are seen as 'more emotional' than men.

Sexual and emotional control of women has a history - both in my family and in society as a whole. For hundreds of years our culture has made woman safe sexually - either by making her virginal or dominating her with violence. Or usually both. The innate knowledge of the body women have because of their cycles and their subsequent 'baseness' means they are much more in tune with the carnality of life and, therefore, also with the emotions. Women have been taught to remove themselves as much as possible from this connection (often through men) and that by doing so they are cleaner and more palatable - to men - rather than being the powerful beings they are and, therefore, dangerous to men (either because they are wild uncontrollable temptresses or because they are so powerful they dominate men in other ways: the abuser fearing abuse keeping his victim small so that he can continue to feel tall). I mean, tampons - who on earth invented them? Penis shaped clumps of dry cotton stuffed up inside our juicy womanly bodies to stop the 'foul' flow of natural blood from leaving as it was meant to - looking, smelling, being as it is meant to. Urgh! All those terrible adverts of women in white trousers on roller skates because these torturous 'conveniences' can make us feel 'normal even when we have our periods'? Double Urgh! We are supposed to feel different at different times: that is the whole point! We are cyclic in nature*.

Aside from that slight tangent..... I have experienced both types of control by a man sexually: violence and withdrawal. Both are deeply punishing forms of behaviour and both are deeply damaging to the psyche as well as the body. Let us take the violence first. If a man treats a woman's sexuality as something to be conquered and uses rape, domination, fear and other such tactics to control her he is trying to create a safe female: he is making her sexless. This is because he fears women's sexual power so much that he feels emasculated and needs to regain control again. He does this by forcing her to have sex. By doing so, he is keeping her in a state of fear of sex and is therefore controlling her that way. He is also, in his own mind, enabling himself to see her as sexless - a pure, maiden with no sexual power or desire. This is because he does not allow sexual union to take place unless he is the initiator - whether she consents or not. She is therefore a safe female and not threatening to his highly insecure sense of self-power.

A man who withdraws from sexual union within a relationship; who denies it to his partner under any circumstances - particularly if he has felt vulnerable in the relationship for any reason or that she has had the 'upper hand' somehow, and/ or particularly if he is resentful of her for any reason - is doing the same thing as the man who uses violence. I think this is also most especially the case if a woman has a strong sexual drive which the man feels threatened by - because for such a long time, our society has taught us that women 'should' be the more hesitant sexually in a partnership: that the man should be the one in control. The withdrawal allows him to regain his sense of control, his sense of being 'the man in charge', especially if he remains seductive but vague promises of intimacy go nowhere. Because then he can retain the sense of being able to reel her in, to seduce her, but also to keep her as the safe, sexless female his insecurity needs her to be.

And of course the woman is culpable in this if for no other reason than she allows it to continue. I have the utmost sympathy for any woman (or man) who stays in an abusive situation (and both of the situations above are abusive), having been in that situation myself. I know how painful it is to hang on with that terrible hope that things will get better and be 'like they used to' or 'like I imagine they will be if only we can get past....'. All of this is totally imaginary. The only way to make it better for yourself is to get out, lick your wounds and mend your broken heart. And work out enough of what was going on so that the next time you fall in love with someone, you are rather more savvy from the beginning about the potential dynamics of relationships.

Love to you,


Lyra ♥










*Red Moon - Miranda Gray