Change is Gonna Come

"Ideas that enter the mind under fire remain there securely and for ever." -Leon Trotsky, revolutionary and writer (1879-1940)

I read this quote this morning and found myself understanding it in two rather different ways. 

The first is that when we are in pain or have suffered in some way, the lessons we learn at those moments tend to stay with us. These are insights which are hard won and so we do not easily forget them. So far so good.

However, it is Trotsky's use of the word 'ideas' which I found rather more bleak. If you grow up in a household in which there is abuse of any kind, you are constantly 'under fire'. You are also constantly learning lessons - mainly in how to survive. The thought that these ideas we learn - about ourselves and the world around us - will remain in our minds 'securely and forever' is, to me, a rather depressing one! It is also untrue.

I learned from my upbringing to be a certain way and had many ideas in my head about who I was, what the world was like, who I could trust, what I felt I deserved, what I needed, how I felt about things....... Many of these ideas entered my mind under the fire of an absent father, an abusive, alcoholic stepfather and a depressed, vulnerable mother (and that of wider familial and social conditioning). I learned that women were passive and men were in control of things; that I should always put others needs before my own; that it was more important to please men than myself; and that my natural inclinations, emotions and sensitivities were somehow abnormal.

The thought that these ideas might stay securely with me forever is truly horrific!

I have begun to learn that they are not true but these beliefs still haunt me on a daily basis in different ways. I have to believe that Trotsky was wrong about this to keep the hope alive in my heart that I can change - that my ideas about myself and the world can change - for the better.

I suppose I already have proved to myself that I can change for the better and that the ideas I learned as a child about who I am are not all true. The ideas which have taken their place have been learned and are still being learned under the tutelage of self-care and self-love. These insights come gently and repetitively until they sink into the essence of my being and become a part of me. They take their time and even when they come to me suddenly, they do not hit me with a bang but instead expand my heart and mind to make room for themselves. They are infinitely more precious lessons than any I have learned before and these are the ones which I know will stay with me for life - securely and forever.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Courage, Clarity and Compassion

I had a dream last night that I was trying to escape from an erupting volcano.

There was a river of lava and I was in a car with a curious collection of people - two characters from a soap opera I don't watch, a fearful father and his silent daughter and my friend's dog. We drove very erratically and in the end were attempting to drive through a fence in order to get onto a motorway so we could drive faster. That's when I woke up.

I began to interpret this dream as me running away from negative feelings - in particular anger - or of a powerful destructive force trying to take me over, which I thought was probably codependence as I have been struggling with and also gaining a lot of clarity on this this week.

However... It struck me that volcanoes are an elemental, primal force and I wondered if this dream had more to do with my ego running from the cleansing fires of my instincts: instincts which desire to destroy all the old rules and fears and leave instead new fertile ground, full of potential.

This idea felt right to me - it sat well in my bones. So I decided to meditate on it and visualise being in the lava flow. I had felt very strongly in the dream that I must protect the dog and felt that this represented my inner child - my vulnerable, dependent self. So, I envisaged myself holding both my inner child and my inner teenager in my lap - in a kind of protected bubble - while lava flowed all around us. I was grounded like a rock while fire streamed past. Then suddenly, I was the fire, my hair was white-hot flames and we became snakes swimming in the lava river. I felt deeply connected to myself and innately powerful.

This went on for some time until the lava flowed away, back under the earth, and we were left in a charred expanse - a valley with mountains - which was so fertile that lush meadows and trees sprang up almost immediately. I engaged with my inner child and teenager for a while - talking with them, finding out their pains and motivations.

I realised several things from this experience. My inner child is very trusting, honest, brave, wise, playful and eager to please. She is also very afraid and wants quite desperately to be looked after. My inner teenager is strong, dynamic, proactive, protective of others and passionate. She is also obsessed with men, sex and affairs of the heart to such an extent that it is to her own detriment. When, as an adult, I check out and, for whatever reasons, abandon myself, they take over and I display all those qualities. I am unable to simply be myself because I'll be obsessing about an attractive man and am so eager to please him that I do not consider my own needs. I am angry and terrified and use both emotions to keep away grief - or intimacy with another person. I am so full of fear and resentment that I procrastinate and am unable to function and do the things I know I both need and am capable of doing to improve my life.

I understand just how much I need adequate parenting from myself: to be the healthy mother and father my psyche needs; the role model, guru and wise woman that can lead my inner child and teenager from their stuck roles and back into where they need and deserve to be - in lush, fertile meadows where they are safe, secure and able to play, create, laugh and love to their hearts content, secure in the knowledge that they are loved, cared for and protected by a responsible, capable adult: me.

My brain truly feels like it has expanded: that new pathways have been formed. It is amazing to me that, in actual fact, "The brain begins to form new pathways purely by thinking"*. All it takes is courage to perform the steps necessary for them to grow: for us literally to grow in our understanding and connection with ourselves.

I feel that I can take a step back from the fear and anger inside on those days when these emotions threaten to be engulfing, as I now have a clearer understanding of where they come from. If I can talk to my frightened inner child or my wrathful inner teen and ask them why it is they've been triggered in this way, then I can have a better hold on remaining present and in charge - of staying the adult and not letting the 'kids' take over. That way, I can have more control over how I direct my life and where it is heading. And a lot more compassion for myself.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥




*Source: http://www.hypnotherapy-plus.com/#/making-new-pathways/4539053042

Shame, Sex and Alcohol

I had an experience at the weekend which I very rarely have anymore: I went to a pub!

I seldom drink alcohol myself and dislike the "let's all get as drunk as possible" ambience of most bars so I simply don't go.

It got me thinking about my relationship to alcohol and to people who drink however. To begin with, I enjoyed the evening and had a great time. As the night wore on however and most of the people around me got more and more drunk, it became less fun. Instead, I began to feel my sense of disgust rise. Being around people (particularly men) who are slurring their words, not even really knowing what they are saying, talking utter rubbish repeatedly, standing far too close or thinking you like the fact they put their arm around your shoulders when actually they look like they're going to fall over, fall on you or possibly vomit on you is not my idea of a good time to say the least!

In conjunction with disgust, it brings up a lot of fear for me too. It's the blankness behind the eyes - the knowledge that there is absolutely no reasoning with this person because they're not really there: they've jumped ship, abandoned themselves - and want you to deal with the mess that's left. As a child, my experience of alcohol was that adults drank it to have fun and sometimes they drank a bit too much but then they just went very soppy and told you they loved you more and laughed a lot. As a teenager however, this changed because my stepfather arrived on the scene. Instead, alcohol became something to be dreaded because it meant cruelty, emotional abuse, and him being in that abandoned, unreasonable state which was so terrifying. It also meant hanging around in or waiting outside pubs for him to have drunk enough so we could all go home.

As I got older, I went out - alone or with friends - to escape. I drank because I thought that's just what people did - I never questioned it - and also to numb the pain I felt. I danced in clubs for hours to release some of the pent up emotion which coursed through me at all times.

There are times I got very drunk and did things which I now feel embarrassed about - but in quite a gentle "ah the folly of youth" kind of way. However, there are also things which I feel shame about and these are harder to sit with and think about. Almost all of them involve sex. And this is not because I feel ashamed of having sex. It is because of the way in which I had it - and that had a lot to do with being drunk. It was all so terribly self-destructive. The complete absence of thought for my personal safety, never mind self-respect, when I look back on it now is deeply upsetting: it is a tragedy that I showed myself so little regard and abused myself with both sex and alcohol. For several years now, sex has been about making love - about expressing intimacy and loving connection with a partner in an emotionally connected way. Back then however, I really was a 'wild child'. If it had all been about free love and joyful connection, I would be ok with that (and of course sometimes it was). But mostly it was about trying to not feel so terribly lonely and unloved. And that's why the sex and alcohol went together: because drinking took me beyond my innate desire for love and respect and into connection at any price.

As I write, I feel the profound pain of that time and this grief washes away the feeling of shame, instead replacing it with tender compassion. I feel growing love for the part of me which behaved so badly towards myself simply because it was in such desperate pain - and was trying to express and voice that through 'bad' and 'shameful' behaviour. If, as an adult now, I saw a teenager acting this way, I would know something was wrong for them - that they were in distress. It is time to turn that insight and understanding towards my own inner teen and to show her the love and respect she so deserves.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Consequences: Ignorance is never bliss.

Yesterday was a day filled with consequences for someone I love.

It was a very challenging day for me because I helped them to sort out the mess. This brought up so many emotions for me - anger, sadness, disappointment, resentment, incredulity, empathy, compassion, fear, guilt, deep concern....

It got me thinking about the consequences of my stepfather's actions in a different way.

For me, I was taught to be responsible for others over and above myself. To ignore what I was thinking, feeling, screaming out inside my head for the 'good' (ha ha) of other people - or, in other words, to keep them 'comfortable'. So, I was to never speak out about my stepfather's alcoholism and abuse because that would have upset and angered everyone. I was to never speak out about how hurt, angry, devastated, depressed or in despair I was in case that made other people uncomfortable. The truth was to be hidden at all costs.

And, very importantly, I was not to tell any of these upsetting things to my mum. She was to be the last to know anything bad. She was somehow fragile and needed protecting from the world and all of its horrors because she would not be able to cope with them (so my stepfather told us so often and in so many ways). Without ever a word spoken between us about it, one of my siblings or I would take it in turns to keep my stepfather at the table in his drunken state so everyone else could escape and/ or comfort my mum.

Of course, there were times when she would try to get all of us out of his way (I remember her once begging me to go upstairs before he got home because she knew he was already drunk and foul-tempered). But in the main, I remember us trying to protect her. I remember lying to her on so many occasions when she asked me if I was ok. Or when she asked if I thought the bile which emanated from him when he was drunk was really the truth of how he felt about us all. I always tried to reassure her that it was just the drink talking and that he loved her really. I feel guilty about that.

The consequences of us all having bought into these lies have been profound. For my mum, she got into the role of a victim who needed protecting and keeping in the dark. She has consequently hidden the truth from herself about really important things - aside from the abuse - which are having a massive impact on her life right now. She has hidden her head in the sand because that's where she learned to put herself - to keep herself comfortable and protected (at least in the short-term). She could not face the truth and we all bought into the lie that everything was fine: we kept ourselves in the old roles. Even yesterday, I was trying to reassure her and to keep the full impact - certainly of my emotions - from her so as not to frighten or upset her.

This is very distressing - to think that I and my family are still caught in this destructive behaviour so deeply. And it's also very illuminating. To see this pattern so clearly means it can change. And, of course, we wish to protect the ones we love and not cause them distress. That is totally natural. But sometimes, the intention to protect comes from a place which is not love. Sometimes it comes from learned behaviour, patterns of coping and comforting lies: a place of sheer destructiveness. And then, in the long-term, it's not helping anyone.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Avoiding the Fire

I have been avoiding writing today.

I'm not sure why because the thought of writing is actually rather exciting. But somehow, tidying up and mowing the lawn have been far more 'important' than sitting down at my computer.

When I find myself avoiding in this way, it usually means I am afraid of something: procrastination is a great defence against actually confronting/ doing/ feeling whatever it is. I know that since I joined Twitter and Facebook last week and made myself more visible, I have felt less inclined to write. The terror of being seen is so great that, even though this blog is anonymous so no-one actually knows who is writing it, I can still feel the fear of being judged, criticized, mocked or put down in some way.

I find it fascinating that my sensitivity about this runs so deep that, despite my anonymity, I am still afraid.

There is only one way to combat this which I have ever known to work. That is, to move through the fear by doing what it is I am afraid of.

Last week I wrote about anger and how I had decided to make anger my friend. It is amazing to me that it has already started to make a difference. I felt very angry over the weekend. After a while the feeling began to fade (as feelings do!) and I realised that I was trying to hold onto it: to stay feeling angry. And the reason for this was because I was not only enjoying feeling angry; I was reveling in it!!

Anger felt delicious to me! Wow! It coursed through my body, filling me with a sense of strength, power  and a mindset of "I can do anything". (I can see how anger could be addictive!) In the mix was also a sense that it could descend into aggression because I could feel in my body something like "Grrrrr.... Get out of my way". However, the enjoyment of this fire was so great that the hint of destruction soon melted and instead I was simply left with that feeling of power. It seems to emanate from my stomach and liver, that power - the centre of my torso (or solar plexus chakra for those of us that way inclined). And also from my diaphragm - as if my body is giving breath to flames of passion that can erupt up and out into expression through my voice and arms.

I know I have kept that fire hidden for most of my life. Sometimes it has even seemed to have gone out for short periods. This past week in making friends with my anger, I have given life to that fire again. I have given myself permission to fan the flames and add more logs to keep it going. It is the fire that made me write today, in spite of the fear - in spite of the uncertainty of what I was running from and therefore what I could write about. It burnt up the fear and used it for fuel in order to find its way out and into the world.

It is my fire which has found its voice right here today.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

I'm so bloody angry!

There is a rage boiling in my innards which threatens to erupt at any moment.

When I allow myself to think about what happened to my brothers and what happened to me at the hands of that filthy disgusting vile man there arises in me such fury and hatred it's frightening. So I don't allow myself to think about it too much - because I'm scared of feeling so angry. I'm scared of what I might do. And I also feel so impotent with it because there's no-one to direct my rage onto. He's gone from my life and I only have his memory to be angry at. And that's not enough for this fury - it wants to scream and punch and kick and scratch and beat to a pulp and destroy forever.

And I've done those things to the memory of him - to his ghost. I've imagined him there and have been so consumed with rage that I've gone cold with it: detached. Felt like I lost my humanity for a moment and become the monster I wanted to destroy. That was terrifying. And yet it was also a relief in a way. To know that I could; that I'm capable of being that way in my head but in reality I choose to be something different.

There's a scene in the fifth Harry Potter which always reduces me to tears - and which I also find comforting. Harry is talking to his godfather Sirius and is afraid that, after all the bad things which have happened to him, "something's gone wrong somewhere" and he's becoming more like Voldemort because he "just feels so angry all the time". He's afraid he is becoming 'bad'. Sirius responds by saying to Harry "You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things have happened to. You understand? Besides, the world is not split into good people and Death Eaters, we've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."

In others words, the fact that monstrous things have happened to us does not make us monsters.

I have held the belief that anger is 'bad' for a long time. This is what I learned as a child and what many of my experiences of anger - my own and other people's - led me to believe because they were so destructive. I have decided to experiment with a new belief - that anger is beneficial to me and to others. I do have some life examples to draw on for this belief but it is still scary to me. I am afraid of where it might lead me.

Because anger spurs us to action. It makes us end things and begin things. It is the cleansing fire with which we sweep our lives clear of what blights us.  That's if we can listen to and act on that fire in a healthy, assertive way. I have passively allowed anger to happen to me or aggressively defended myself against it. Seldom have I felt able to harness and use anger to my advantage.

My hope is that if I can see anger as a good thing which is beneficial to me and to others, that when I feel angry I will no longer feel like something is wrong with me. I will no longer make myself out to be a bad person just for having a particular feeling. I will no longer feel I'm a bad person if someone else is angry with me (because I have 'made' them angry). I really hope that I will learn to be less afraid. Because I know in my head that anger is not bad, just as I know I'm not a bad person and there's nothing wrong with me.

Now I want to feel it in my bones and with all my heart.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

What every raging child needs to hear - even if they're grown up and even if it's from themselves

"Why are you sad?"

"I'm sad with wondering what's happened to you to make you so angry. To make you so destructive of yourself and others and of the things which are important to you.

I know what it's like to bury all the hurt and the fear and be left with only anger because that's the thing which helps you survive; helps you feel that bit safer in a world full of danger.

But underneath, the fear is huge and threatens to overwhelm you on a daily basis. And the pain is so unbearable that you hide it from everyone for fear they will not be able to bear being around you - just as you cannot bear being with yourself.

And how it's impossible to trust anyone because you can't even trust the people who were supposed to care for you and you can't even trust yourself. But still you YEARN for there to be someone - anyone - that you can tell everything to and who will love you anyway. Your heart aches for a person you can love and who loves you in spite of all the rage in your heart, the fear in your belly and your soul full of pain.

And right now you hate me because you think I'm making you feel all these terrible things. But all I'm doing is saying what you're already feeling. And I'm saying that it's ok. That all the rage and shame and fear and loathing and disgust and pain and guilt is all there and waiting for you to be ready to feel it. And make no mistake, it has to be felt. And it's hard. Sometimes harder than anything else you can imagine, just to really feel what you are already feeling.

But I PROMISE you that it makes it better. I promise you that you come out the other side in the end. That you can find your way to joy, to love and even to trust again. Because that is who you were before you learned not to be.

You can learn to be yourself again.

And I will love you through it all."


Love to you,

Lyra ♥