Guilt, Responsibility and Overwhelm

Today guilt seems to be prominent.

I feel guilty that I cannot solve all of my family's problems. I feel guilty that I don't seem to be able to solve my own problems. I feel guilty that I've 'let everybody down' because I feel miserable and am not thriving.

Why was I not able to recognise that my stepfather was a paedophile when I was a child and stop him from hurting anyone else? All the signs were there - why could I not see them? It was my fault he wasn't caught out sooner. Yes, my parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers and parents' friends were all around and none of them realised either. But that's not the point. The point is, that I didn't and I was responsible.

I know this sounds mad. Especially when I write it down like this. I want to be able to laugh at it and say 'Don't be so daft, Lyra'. But that is so much harder to do than it seems. Because I have felt so guilty for so long. Because I have felt so onerously responsible for so long. I felt responsible for keeping my parents happy - or for making them sad and angry. I felt responsible for looking after everyone and making sure they all felt alright - whether or not I did. And why? Because the adults in my family were incapable of being emotionally responsible for themselves. Joy, happiness, expressions of love... these were all fine and permissible. But anger, desperation, depression, grief, rage, overwhelm, fear and all the other deeply disquieting things that humans are able to feel? My family did not 'do' those. Some of my family still don't. They are so desperate not to feel their pain that they dump it on other people. And I am like a sponge for all of that. If someone is feeling bad, I automatically jump to thinking that I must do something to make them feel better. Even if I don't want to. Even if I feel so awful myself I can only just get out of bed. I still think it's my job to rescue them from what it is they're feeling.

And of course, when you love people, you want to help make them feel better. To provide them with reassurance, comfort, kindness, support: with LOVE. That's natural.

Yet, when it comes to the point where you feel deeply guilty if you don't do something for them. When you resent them for feeling bad because that makes you feel responsible for them and you're already so overloaded you can barely cope. Then that desire to 'help out' is not a good one. It's a part of love that's gone so wrong it drains all the life from you. That's not how love is supposed to be. Surely not?

I have read the work of Melody Beattie and Pia Mellody on codependence and it's been really helpful. It's helped me get to grips with my guilt a bit and it's helped me feel a bit less responsible for everyone else - which of course leaves more room for me to feel responsible for myself. (Hurrah!). I do this exercise (usually when I feel desperate - I should probably do it every day to practice) where I imagine a skin and armour around myself and that everyone else's feelings are harmlessly bumping off them and not getting to me. I feel so much calmer and more capable! So much less overwhelmed...

But it really is a daily battle. And today, I'm not sure if I'm winning.






For those of you who would like some help on codependence:
www.melodybeattie.com/
www.piamellody.com/


Love to you,


Lyra ♥