In terms of a recovery process, Survival is the second stage in my experience.
Survival is about realising two things. The first is a cause for celebration: it is the recognition that you have literally SURVIVED your dysfunctional upbringing and all of the terrible things which have happened in your life.
What an amazing accomplishment this is. Not everyone makes it, let's remember that fact. But you and I have. And we can remember those who didn't but not let that hold us back from seeing what a miracle it is just to be alive. To see clearly that we had the strength, tenacity, determination and the skills to get us through such difficulty to where we are today. It does not matter if our hearts are still breaking or if we are still in the middle of raging at those who caused us harm. We are here. We have prevailed.
So if you're reading this, you are a survivor. Remember that always - you are AMAZING.
The second part of the survival stage is more difficult however. It may bring up a huge amount of grief - I know it has for me. It is the recognition that, up until now, all we have been doing is surviving. The painful lessons and conditioning we learned as children and which our life experiences have reinforced are still very much alive and with us. We have not broken free of the coping mechanisms we acquired in order to survive - instead we are unconsciously still ruled by them.
That is not to say we have not had any time period in our lives when we were really thriving or following our hearts and dreams. It is just that, in the main, we feel unable to break free from the chains of our pasts in order to truly live in and create our present and future as we truly wish them to be.
I have so many dreams I wish to make reality. I take small tiny steps towards them most days. That is as much as I have been able to manage. Because it is so terrifying to me to really be myself in the every day world. There are places where and people with whom I am very much myself and totally honest about what I am feeling or thinking. But this is with friends and takes place where I feel safe. Where people, like me, are striving for greater consciousness and meet each other with all the love they can muster (and that is a lot) even when they are in the midst of their fear and anger.
In general however, I do not trust people to respond that way. I do not trust myself to respond that way. I and they get so caught up in the moment and the emotions that we do not take a step back to see clearly. We forget that there is a beautiful, vulnerable person in front of us and think only of protecting ourselves. It all happens so automatically because we are locked into patterns of not seeing. We are locked into patterns of survival.
And inside we are desperately YEARNING for it all to be different. And, in my experience, going back into victim mode and blaming someone else for the fact that they are the same. But the truth (as I see it!) is that we are the only ones who can change our lives. We are the only ones who can step beyond the Victim, step beyond the Survivor and into being fully ourselves and following our dreams. That is the third stage: the stage of THRIVING.
Thriving is where we recognise fully that we are responsible for creating and shaping our own lives and are able to live to our full potential. It is the place of happiness, fulfillment and contentment with what is.
Personally, I am largely in Survivor mode still. I also still dip into the Victim pool for a swim fairly regularly. I'm getting better at realising that my skin's gone like a prune in there though and it's time to come out! There has been a lot of grief for me attached to the Survivor stage. However, I also try to mix that in with celebration of how far I've come - and I've come a long way.
My moments of Thriving though are becoming more frequent. It feels like it something which is coming in manageable steps. There is time for everything and everything must be given its time. There isn't much point in me wishing things were different because they are not and I am learning huge amounts from them being just as they are. I still wish though! And actually, perhaps the point in wishing is that it keeps hope alive for me. Hope is important. It is the last little voice which came out of Pandora's Box and it is the one which keeps us going - sometimes when all else is lost. I read a book years ago at the end of which the question was asked "Which is the greater - Faith, Hope or Love?". The answer in the book was Love. I would agree but I think that Faith and Hope are also vital to us - they are what keep us going on the long path towards finding Love. Faith and Hope help us move through being a Victim and through being a Survivor. They help move us towards the greatest part of Thriving I think there is: Love of Self.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Monday, 23 May 2011
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Memories
I have been looking at old photos today. I have lost myself in a sea of memories and thoughts about the past. I am struck by two things in particular.
The first is the loss. My god, there is so much loss. So many loved ones who have passed away. Too many to count on both hands. And yet here they all are, smiling up at me from paper records of happy times. And that is the second thing: joy. There is so much joy in those faces and the memories they stir in me. I feel so lucky to have had so many beautiful, loving and inspiring people in my life.
And every picture which came up of my stepfather was met with a pang - of fear, anger, hate, sadness, disgust, shame.... So many feelings. And I am loathe to admit to the fact that at times when looking at pictures of my siblings, I was working out in my head whether it would have been taken before or after they were abused. The horror that brings up in me is so unbearable. To see the beautiful innocent faces of them as young children, knowing what was in store for them just a few years later.... The pain in my heart is, well, I don't have a word for how much it hurts.
I knew it would be like this. It's why I procrastinated about going through the photos for so long. I was scared about what it would bring up. But perhaps it is just time for these things to be felt. It is as if, every time I feel these things, a new layer of it is uncovered. A new depth but also a new release. The balance of pain and relief brings a kind of 'calm after the storm' feeling. I don't remember where the idea came from that you do not feel or experience anything you are not ready to feel or experience when it comes to healing. Perhaps that is true. With each day, I grow a little stronger and heal a little more so, when the pain comes, it is a little more acute each time - because that is what I can bear. But the relief from feeling and expressing that pain is also stronger. Wails of despair turn into huge sighs of gratitude. I am grateful that I am no longer in that despair on a daily basis. I am grateful that I Can feel - that I have not turned off my emotions because they are too much to cope with.
All of it somehow brings me closer to the truth. I know the truth of what happened and yet knowing it in my head and being able to admit it emotionally - to really feel it - are very different, I have realised. And each day such as today spent feeling the pain, really moving through it and coming out the other side into gratitude, is a day that is enormously worthwhile. Because each of these days brings me closer to myself, to my humanity, and closer in my connections with the people who matter most to me. And that is, to me, where true joy lies.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
The first is the loss. My god, there is so much loss. So many loved ones who have passed away. Too many to count on both hands. And yet here they all are, smiling up at me from paper records of happy times. And that is the second thing: joy. There is so much joy in those faces and the memories they stir in me. I feel so lucky to have had so many beautiful, loving and inspiring people in my life.
And every picture which came up of my stepfather was met with a pang - of fear, anger, hate, sadness, disgust, shame.... So many feelings. And I am loathe to admit to the fact that at times when looking at pictures of my siblings, I was working out in my head whether it would have been taken before or after they were abused. The horror that brings up in me is so unbearable. To see the beautiful innocent faces of them as young children, knowing what was in store for them just a few years later.... The pain in my heart is, well, I don't have a word for how much it hurts.
I knew it would be like this. It's why I procrastinated about going through the photos for so long. I was scared about what it would bring up. But perhaps it is just time for these things to be felt. It is as if, every time I feel these things, a new layer of it is uncovered. A new depth but also a new release. The balance of pain and relief brings a kind of 'calm after the storm' feeling. I don't remember where the idea came from that you do not feel or experience anything you are not ready to feel or experience when it comes to healing. Perhaps that is true. With each day, I grow a little stronger and heal a little more so, when the pain comes, it is a little more acute each time - because that is what I can bear. But the relief from feeling and expressing that pain is also stronger. Wails of despair turn into huge sighs of gratitude. I am grateful that I am no longer in that despair on a daily basis. I am grateful that I Can feel - that I have not turned off my emotions because they are too much to cope with.
All of it somehow brings me closer to the truth. I know the truth of what happened and yet knowing it in my head and being able to admit it emotionally - to really feel it - are very different, I have realised. And each day such as today spent feeling the pain, really moving through it and coming out the other side into gratitude, is a day that is enormously worthwhile. Because each of these days brings me closer to myself, to my humanity, and closer in my connections with the people who matter most to me. And that is, to me, where true joy lies.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
I Deserve Good Things
I had a very meaningful realisation today.
That is, I understood that I have spent almost all of my life believing that I deserved to be punished. That I was bad, naughty or wrong in some way and so all of the bad things which happened to me were not only my own fault but that I deserved them.
I learned at a young age that anger, particularly male anger, equalled violence and pain. I learned that appeasing men - ensuring that they were happy, comfortable and pleased with me - was a way to protect myself from that violence and pain. I learned early that manipulating people, again especially men, so that they either would not get angry or, if they already were, would very soon calm down - or at least think it was not my fault so their anger would not be directed at me - was essential. Being wrong about anything (and therefore receiving any kind of criticism about anything, even if it's constructive) has been terrifying because it took me back into this belief that I was wrong and therefore punishment would soon follow. These lessons have stayed with me a very long time. And the belief that I was in control therefore of others' emotions was a part of feeding the belief that if they got angry and therefore I was hurt, that that was my fault and that, ergo, I deserved it.
It's very painful to see these things. But it's not anywhere near as painful as not seeing them. I have known for a long time that I was afraid of anger. And I have also known, though found it much harder to admit, that I have never really trusted men. I have believed that they are untrustworthy, unreliable, violent, cruel, dishonest, dominating and, in the end, will always let you down and abandon you. That they want only pleasure from women and, the minute they get something different, their true colours will show.
And that is what has manifested in my life so far.
The irony is that I have many men in my life - friends and family - who are very loving, kind, trustworthy, reliable, supportive, fun and honest! It's just that I'm always waiting for them to be something different so then I can say 'I knew it! I Knew that's what you were Really like underneath all the niceness!' because that is what I learned about men as a child. And that is a tragedy - for me and for them. Because rather than learning new lessons of what men are like based on all of the positive and wonderful experiences I have had with men over the years, my mind is still drawn to contemplating and anticipating the bad ones. I have been locked into a cycle of fear and violence in my own head that does not necessarily exist in reality. And where it has existed, it's because I've been drawn to - and stayed with - men who will give me that experience: because that maintains my perception of reality. And the possibility of being wrong about that perception is far too frightening because really trusting someone is far too frightening in case they turn out to be cruel, rejecting, cold and let me down when I have made myself so vulnerable by taking down my guard.
I am currently reading a beautiful and inspiring book called 'Ask and it is Given' by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It contains the teachings of a spirit being called Abraham who says we are all loved unconditionally and are here on earth in order to experience 'outrageous joy'. I like that part! Abraham talks about the 'Law of Attraction' whereby what you give attention to is what manifests in your life. If you desire lots of strawberries and focus on having an abundance of them, that is what you will get. If you focus on the lack of strawberries in your life, then that lack is what you will continue to experience.
I focused for a long time on the lack of loving connection with my former partner. And that is what I got. I have given my attention to the anger, rejection, fear and loneliness that has been present for me and for him over a long time period and so that is what was perpetuated. The lessons I learned of old that men were so unreliable, cold, and absent turned into my life experience.
I want to make something very clear here. That is, that I am not saying that it is actually my fault when men have behaved badly towards me - or that it's anyone else's fault when others' behave badly towards them. Some people choose to behave appallingly towards others and that is NEVER the victim's fault. What I AM saying is that, as an adult, I have chosen to perpetuate that suffering by holding negative beliefs about men. And that this belief draws me towards men who will in turn perpetuate that belief. And I stay with them and therefore choose to perpetuate my own suffering (because I choose to stay instead of leaving) because I believe I deserve that. I am being cruel to myself - and also to the man because I am one half of the pair which stays and so keeps us both locked in a cycle of fear, neglect, anger and punishment.
So I have decided to begin again. I am repeating mantras or affirmations every day in order to make me focus on something new and positive about both myself and my life experience and about men. Let's start with the one about men:
"Men are honest, fun, reliable, supportive, brave, loving, kind, trustworthy and passionate."
I find it's really helpful to think of examples where each of these qualities has been apparent to me already in my life. I have chosen a man I know and love to represent each quality because it helps make it more real and gives the mantra a stronger foundation. Same for the next affirmation on my life experience. I want to attract good things to I need to feel worthy of them (which of course we all are, we're just conditioned to think we're not) so it helps if I find examples in my life where I've already experienced these beautiful things to give the affirmation a more solid base.
"I deserve good things - abundance, love, health and joy are all mine to have for the asking."
A glint on a leaf just caught my eye: it's a green-bottle fly shining iridescently in the sunlight. It's beautiful. And its beauty makes me think how we are so often afraid of decay and hate flies and the like because to us they are harbingers of death and decay. But these things can be so beautiful! And if we think in terms of a deeply painful belief or idea which has plagued us our whole life, then its death is indeed not just beautiful but miraculous.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
That is, I understood that I have spent almost all of my life believing that I deserved to be punished. That I was bad, naughty or wrong in some way and so all of the bad things which happened to me were not only my own fault but that I deserved them.
I learned at a young age that anger, particularly male anger, equalled violence and pain. I learned that appeasing men - ensuring that they were happy, comfortable and pleased with me - was a way to protect myself from that violence and pain. I learned early that manipulating people, again especially men, so that they either would not get angry or, if they already were, would very soon calm down - or at least think it was not my fault so their anger would not be directed at me - was essential. Being wrong about anything (and therefore receiving any kind of criticism about anything, even if it's constructive) has been terrifying because it took me back into this belief that I was wrong and therefore punishment would soon follow. These lessons have stayed with me a very long time. And the belief that I was in control therefore of others' emotions was a part of feeding the belief that if they got angry and therefore I was hurt, that that was my fault and that, ergo, I deserved it.
It's very painful to see these things. But it's not anywhere near as painful as not seeing them. I have known for a long time that I was afraid of anger. And I have also known, though found it much harder to admit, that I have never really trusted men. I have believed that they are untrustworthy, unreliable, violent, cruel, dishonest, dominating and, in the end, will always let you down and abandon you. That they want only pleasure from women and, the minute they get something different, their true colours will show.
And that is what has manifested in my life so far.
The irony is that I have many men in my life - friends and family - who are very loving, kind, trustworthy, reliable, supportive, fun and honest! It's just that I'm always waiting for them to be something different so then I can say 'I knew it! I Knew that's what you were Really like underneath all the niceness!' because that is what I learned about men as a child. And that is a tragedy - for me and for them. Because rather than learning new lessons of what men are like based on all of the positive and wonderful experiences I have had with men over the years, my mind is still drawn to contemplating and anticipating the bad ones. I have been locked into a cycle of fear and violence in my own head that does not necessarily exist in reality. And where it has existed, it's because I've been drawn to - and stayed with - men who will give me that experience: because that maintains my perception of reality. And the possibility of being wrong about that perception is far too frightening because really trusting someone is far too frightening in case they turn out to be cruel, rejecting, cold and let me down when I have made myself so vulnerable by taking down my guard.
I am currently reading a beautiful and inspiring book called 'Ask and it is Given' by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It contains the teachings of a spirit being called Abraham who says we are all loved unconditionally and are here on earth in order to experience 'outrageous joy'. I like that part! Abraham talks about the 'Law of Attraction' whereby what you give attention to is what manifests in your life. If you desire lots of strawberries and focus on having an abundance of them, that is what you will get. If you focus on the lack of strawberries in your life, then that lack is what you will continue to experience.
I focused for a long time on the lack of loving connection with my former partner. And that is what I got. I have given my attention to the anger, rejection, fear and loneliness that has been present for me and for him over a long time period and so that is what was perpetuated. The lessons I learned of old that men were so unreliable, cold, and absent turned into my life experience.
I want to make something very clear here. That is, that I am not saying that it is actually my fault when men have behaved badly towards me - or that it's anyone else's fault when others' behave badly towards them. Some people choose to behave appallingly towards others and that is NEVER the victim's fault. What I AM saying is that, as an adult, I have chosen to perpetuate that suffering by holding negative beliefs about men. And that this belief draws me towards men who will in turn perpetuate that belief. And I stay with them and therefore choose to perpetuate my own suffering (because I choose to stay instead of leaving) because I believe I deserve that. I am being cruel to myself - and also to the man because I am one half of the pair which stays and so keeps us both locked in a cycle of fear, neglect, anger and punishment.
So I have decided to begin again. I am repeating mantras or affirmations every day in order to make me focus on something new and positive about both myself and my life experience and about men. Let's start with the one about men:
"Men are honest, fun, reliable, supportive, brave, loving, kind, trustworthy and passionate."
I find it's really helpful to think of examples where each of these qualities has been apparent to me already in my life. I have chosen a man I know and love to represent each quality because it helps make it more real and gives the mantra a stronger foundation. Same for the next affirmation on my life experience. I want to attract good things to I need to feel worthy of them (which of course we all are, we're just conditioned to think we're not) so it helps if I find examples in my life where I've already experienced these beautiful things to give the affirmation a more solid base.
"I deserve good things - abundance, love, health and joy are all mine to have for the asking."
A glint on a leaf just caught my eye: it's a green-bottle fly shining iridescently in the sunlight. It's beautiful. And its beauty makes me think how we are so often afraid of decay and hate flies and the like because to us they are harbingers of death and decay. But these things can be so beautiful! And if we think in terms of a deeply painful belief or idea which has plagued us our whole life, then its death is indeed not just beautiful but miraculous.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
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