Change is Gonna Come

"Ideas that enter the mind under fire remain there securely and for ever." -Leon Trotsky, revolutionary and writer (1879-1940)

I read this quote this morning and found myself understanding it in two rather different ways. 

The first is that when we are in pain or have suffered in some way, the lessons we learn at those moments tend to stay with us. These are insights which are hard won and so we do not easily forget them. So far so good.

However, it is Trotsky's use of the word 'ideas' which I found rather more bleak. If you grow up in a household in which there is abuse of any kind, you are constantly 'under fire'. You are also constantly learning lessons - mainly in how to survive. The thought that these ideas we learn - about ourselves and the world around us - will remain in our minds 'securely and forever' is, to me, a rather depressing one! It is also untrue.

I learned from my upbringing to be a certain way and had many ideas in my head about who I was, what the world was like, who I could trust, what I felt I deserved, what I needed, how I felt about things....... Many of these ideas entered my mind under the fire of an absent father, an abusive, alcoholic stepfather and a depressed, vulnerable mother (and that of wider familial and social conditioning). I learned that women were passive and men were in control of things; that I should always put others needs before my own; that it was more important to please men than myself; and that my natural inclinations, emotions and sensitivities were somehow abnormal.

The thought that these ideas might stay securely with me forever is truly horrific!

I have begun to learn that they are not true but these beliefs still haunt me on a daily basis in different ways. I have to believe that Trotsky was wrong about this to keep the hope alive in my heart that I can change - that my ideas about myself and the world can change - for the better.

I suppose I already have proved to myself that I can change for the better and that the ideas I learned as a child about who I am are not all true. The ideas which have taken their place have been learned and are still being learned under the tutelage of self-care and self-love. These insights come gently and repetitively until they sink into the essence of my being and become a part of me. They take their time and even when they come to me suddenly, they do not hit me with a bang but instead expand my heart and mind to make room for themselves. They are infinitely more precious lessons than any I have learned before and these are the ones which I know will stay with me for life - securely and forever.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Courage, Clarity and Compassion

I had a dream last night that I was trying to escape from an erupting volcano.

There was a river of lava and I was in a car with a curious collection of people - two characters from a soap opera I don't watch, a fearful father and his silent daughter and my friend's dog. We drove very erratically and in the end were attempting to drive through a fence in order to get onto a motorway so we could drive faster. That's when I woke up.

I began to interpret this dream as me running away from negative feelings - in particular anger - or of a powerful destructive force trying to take me over, which I thought was probably codependence as I have been struggling with and also gaining a lot of clarity on this this week.

However... It struck me that volcanoes are an elemental, primal force and I wondered if this dream had more to do with my ego running from the cleansing fires of my instincts: instincts which desire to destroy all the old rules and fears and leave instead new fertile ground, full of potential.

This idea felt right to me - it sat well in my bones. So I decided to meditate on it and visualise being in the lava flow. I had felt very strongly in the dream that I must protect the dog and felt that this represented my inner child - my vulnerable, dependent self. So, I envisaged myself holding both my inner child and my inner teenager in my lap - in a kind of protected bubble - while lava flowed all around us. I was grounded like a rock while fire streamed past. Then suddenly, I was the fire, my hair was white-hot flames and we became snakes swimming in the lava river. I felt deeply connected to myself and innately powerful.

This went on for some time until the lava flowed away, back under the earth, and we were left in a charred expanse - a valley with mountains - which was so fertile that lush meadows and trees sprang up almost immediately. I engaged with my inner child and teenager for a while - talking with them, finding out their pains and motivations.

I realised several things from this experience. My inner child is very trusting, honest, brave, wise, playful and eager to please. She is also very afraid and wants quite desperately to be looked after. My inner teenager is strong, dynamic, proactive, protective of others and passionate. She is also obsessed with men, sex and affairs of the heart to such an extent that it is to her own detriment. When, as an adult, I check out and, for whatever reasons, abandon myself, they take over and I display all those qualities. I am unable to simply be myself because I'll be obsessing about an attractive man and am so eager to please him that I do not consider my own needs. I am angry and terrified and use both emotions to keep away grief - or intimacy with another person. I am so full of fear and resentment that I procrastinate and am unable to function and do the things I know I both need and am capable of doing to improve my life.

I understand just how much I need adequate parenting from myself: to be the healthy mother and father my psyche needs; the role model, guru and wise woman that can lead my inner child and teenager from their stuck roles and back into where they need and deserve to be - in lush, fertile meadows where they are safe, secure and able to play, create, laugh and love to their hearts content, secure in the knowledge that they are loved, cared for and protected by a responsible, capable adult: me.

My brain truly feels like it has expanded: that new pathways have been formed. It is amazing to me that, in actual fact, "The brain begins to form new pathways purely by thinking"*. All it takes is courage to perform the steps necessary for them to grow: for us literally to grow in our understanding and connection with ourselves.

I feel that I can take a step back from the fear and anger inside on those days when these emotions threaten to be engulfing, as I now have a clearer understanding of where they come from. If I can talk to my frightened inner child or my wrathful inner teen and ask them why it is they've been triggered in this way, then I can have a better hold on remaining present and in charge - of staying the adult and not letting the 'kids' take over. That way, I can have more control over how I direct my life and where it is heading. And a lot more compassion for myself.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥




*Source: http://www.hypnotherapy-plus.com/#/making-new-pathways/4539053042

Shame, Sex and Alcohol

I had an experience at the weekend which I very rarely have anymore: I went to a pub!

I seldom drink alcohol myself and dislike the "let's all get as drunk as possible" ambience of most bars so I simply don't go.

It got me thinking about my relationship to alcohol and to people who drink however. To begin with, I enjoyed the evening and had a great time. As the night wore on however and most of the people around me got more and more drunk, it became less fun. Instead, I began to feel my sense of disgust rise. Being around people (particularly men) who are slurring their words, not even really knowing what they are saying, talking utter rubbish repeatedly, standing far too close or thinking you like the fact they put their arm around your shoulders when actually they look like they're going to fall over, fall on you or possibly vomit on you is not my idea of a good time to say the least!

In conjunction with disgust, it brings up a lot of fear for me too. It's the blankness behind the eyes - the knowledge that there is absolutely no reasoning with this person because they're not really there: they've jumped ship, abandoned themselves - and want you to deal with the mess that's left. As a child, my experience of alcohol was that adults drank it to have fun and sometimes they drank a bit too much but then they just went very soppy and told you they loved you more and laughed a lot. As a teenager however, this changed because my stepfather arrived on the scene. Instead, alcohol became something to be dreaded because it meant cruelty, emotional abuse, and him being in that abandoned, unreasonable state which was so terrifying. It also meant hanging around in or waiting outside pubs for him to have drunk enough so we could all go home.

As I got older, I went out - alone or with friends - to escape. I drank because I thought that's just what people did - I never questioned it - and also to numb the pain I felt. I danced in clubs for hours to release some of the pent up emotion which coursed through me at all times.

There are times I got very drunk and did things which I now feel embarrassed about - but in quite a gentle "ah the folly of youth" kind of way. However, there are also things which I feel shame about and these are harder to sit with and think about. Almost all of them involve sex. And this is not because I feel ashamed of having sex. It is because of the way in which I had it - and that had a lot to do with being drunk. It was all so terribly self-destructive. The complete absence of thought for my personal safety, never mind self-respect, when I look back on it now is deeply upsetting: it is a tragedy that I showed myself so little regard and abused myself with both sex and alcohol. For several years now, sex has been about making love - about expressing intimacy and loving connection with a partner in an emotionally connected way. Back then however, I really was a 'wild child'. If it had all been about free love and joyful connection, I would be ok with that (and of course sometimes it was). But mostly it was about trying to not feel so terribly lonely and unloved. And that's why the sex and alcohol went together: because drinking took me beyond my innate desire for love and respect and into connection at any price.

As I write, I feel the profound pain of that time and this grief washes away the feeling of shame, instead replacing it with tender compassion. I feel growing love for the part of me which behaved so badly towards myself simply because it was in such desperate pain - and was trying to express and voice that through 'bad' and 'shameful' behaviour. If, as an adult now, I saw a teenager acting this way, I would know something was wrong for them - that they were in distress. It is time to turn that insight and understanding towards my own inner teen and to show her the love and respect she so deserves.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥