Consequences: Ignorance is never bliss.

Yesterday was a day filled with consequences for someone I love.

It was a very challenging day for me because I helped them to sort out the mess. This brought up so many emotions for me - anger, sadness, disappointment, resentment, incredulity, empathy, compassion, fear, guilt, deep concern....

It got me thinking about the consequences of my stepfather's actions in a different way.

For me, I was taught to be responsible for others over and above myself. To ignore what I was thinking, feeling, screaming out inside my head for the 'good' (ha ha) of other people - or, in other words, to keep them 'comfortable'. So, I was to never speak out about my stepfather's alcoholism and abuse because that would have upset and angered everyone. I was to never speak out about how hurt, angry, devastated, depressed or in despair I was in case that made other people uncomfortable. The truth was to be hidden at all costs.

And, very importantly, I was not to tell any of these upsetting things to my mum. She was to be the last to know anything bad. She was somehow fragile and needed protecting from the world and all of its horrors because she would not be able to cope with them (so my stepfather told us so often and in so many ways). Without ever a word spoken between us about it, one of my siblings or I would take it in turns to keep my stepfather at the table in his drunken state so everyone else could escape and/ or comfort my mum.

Of course, there were times when she would try to get all of us out of his way (I remember her once begging me to go upstairs before he got home because she knew he was already drunk and foul-tempered). But in the main, I remember us trying to protect her. I remember lying to her on so many occasions when she asked me if I was ok. Or when she asked if I thought the bile which emanated from him when he was drunk was really the truth of how he felt about us all. I always tried to reassure her that it was just the drink talking and that he loved her really. I feel guilty about that.

The consequences of us all having bought into these lies have been profound. For my mum, she got into the role of a victim who needed protecting and keeping in the dark. She has consequently hidden the truth from herself about really important things - aside from the abuse - which are having a massive impact on her life right now. She has hidden her head in the sand because that's where she learned to put herself - to keep herself comfortable and protected (at least in the short-term). She could not face the truth and we all bought into the lie that everything was fine: we kept ourselves in the old roles. Even yesterday, I was trying to reassure her and to keep the full impact - certainly of my emotions - from her so as not to frighten or upset her.

This is very distressing - to think that I and my family are still caught in this destructive behaviour so deeply. And it's also very illuminating. To see this pattern so clearly means it can change. And, of course, we wish to protect the ones we love and not cause them distress. That is totally natural. But sometimes, the intention to protect comes from a place which is not love. Sometimes it comes from learned behaviour, patterns of coping and comforting lies: a place of sheer destructiveness. And then, in the long-term, it's not helping anyone.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

Avoiding the Fire

I have been avoiding writing today.

I'm not sure why because the thought of writing is actually rather exciting. But somehow, tidying up and mowing the lawn have been far more 'important' than sitting down at my computer.

When I find myself avoiding in this way, it usually means I am afraid of something: procrastination is a great defence against actually confronting/ doing/ feeling whatever it is. I know that since I joined Twitter and Facebook last week and made myself more visible, I have felt less inclined to write. The terror of being seen is so great that, even though this blog is anonymous so no-one actually knows who is writing it, I can still feel the fear of being judged, criticized, mocked or put down in some way.

I find it fascinating that my sensitivity about this runs so deep that, despite my anonymity, I am still afraid.

There is only one way to combat this which I have ever known to work. That is, to move through the fear by doing what it is I am afraid of.

Last week I wrote about anger and how I had decided to make anger my friend. It is amazing to me that it has already started to make a difference. I felt very angry over the weekend. After a while the feeling began to fade (as feelings do!) and I realised that I was trying to hold onto it: to stay feeling angry. And the reason for this was because I was not only enjoying feeling angry; I was reveling in it!!

Anger felt delicious to me! Wow! It coursed through my body, filling me with a sense of strength, power  and a mindset of "I can do anything". (I can see how anger could be addictive!) In the mix was also a sense that it could descend into aggression because I could feel in my body something like "Grrrrr.... Get out of my way". However, the enjoyment of this fire was so great that the hint of destruction soon melted and instead I was simply left with that feeling of power. It seems to emanate from my stomach and liver, that power - the centre of my torso (or solar plexus chakra for those of us that way inclined). And also from my diaphragm - as if my body is giving breath to flames of passion that can erupt up and out into expression through my voice and arms.

I know I have kept that fire hidden for most of my life. Sometimes it has even seemed to have gone out for short periods. This past week in making friends with my anger, I have given life to that fire again. I have given myself permission to fan the flames and add more logs to keep it going. It is the fire that made me write today, in spite of the fear - in spite of the uncertainty of what I was running from and therefore what I could write about. It burnt up the fear and used it for fuel in order to find its way out and into the world.

It is my fire which has found its voice right here today.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

I'm so bloody angry!

There is a rage boiling in my innards which threatens to erupt at any moment.

When I allow myself to think about what happened to my brothers and what happened to me at the hands of that filthy disgusting vile man there arises in me such fury and hatred it's frightening. So I don't allow myself to think about it too much - because I'm scared of feeling so angry. I'm scared of what I might do. And I also feel so impotent with it because there's no-one to direct my rage onto. He's gone from my life and I only have his memory to be angry at. And that's not enough for this fury - it wants to scream and punch and kick and scratch and beat to a pulp and destroy forever.

And I've done those things to the memory of him - to his ghost. I've imagined him there and have been so consumed with rage that I've gone cold with it: detached. Felt like I lost my humanity for a moment and become the monster I wanted to destroy. That was terrifying. And yet it was also a relief in a way. To know that I could; that I'm capable of being that way in my head but in reality I choose to be something different.

There's a scene in the fifth Harry Potter which always reduces me to tears - and which I also find comforting. Harry is talking to his godfather Sirius and is afraid that, after all the bad things which have happened to him, "something's gone wrong somewhere" and he's becoming more like Voldemort because he "just feels so angry all the time". He's afraid he is becoming 'bad'. Sirius responds by saying to Harry "You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things have happened to. You understand? Besides, the world is not split into good people and Death Eaters, we've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."

In others words, the fact that monstrous things have happened to us does not make us monsters.

I have held the belief that anger is 'bad' for a long time. This is what I learned as a child and what many of my experiences of anger - my own and other people's - led me to believe because they were so destructive. I have decided to experiment with a new belief - that anger is beneficial to me and to others. I do have some life examples to draw on for this belief but it is still scary to me. I am afraid of where it might lead me.

Because anger spurs us to action. It makes us end things and begin things. It is the cleansing fire with which we sweep our lives clear of what blights us.  That's if we can listen to and act on that fire in a healthy, assertive way. I have passively allowed anger to happen to me or aggressively defended myself against it. Seldom have I felt able to harness and use anger to my advantage.

My hope is that if I can see anger as a good thing which is beneficial to me and to others, that when I feel angry I will no longer feel like something is wrong with me. I will no longer make myself out to be a bad person just for having a particular feeling. I will no longer feel I'm a bad person if someone else is angry with me (because I have 'made' them angry). I really hope that I will learn to be less afraid. Because I know in my head that anger is not bad, just as I know I'm not a bad person and there's nothing wrong with me.

Now I want to feel it in my bones and with all my heart.

Love to you,

Lyra ♥

What every raging child needs to hear - even if they're grown up and even if it's from themselves

"Why are you sad?"

"I'm sad with wondering what's happened to you to make you so angry. To make you so destructive of yourself and others and of the things which are important to you.

I know what it's like to bury all the hurt and the fear and be left with only anger because that's the thing which helps you survive; helps you feel that bit safer in a world full of danger.

But underneath, the fear is huge and threatens to overwhelm you on a daily basis. And the pain is so unbearable that you hide it from everyone for fear they will not be able to bear being around you - just as you cannot bear being with yourself.

And how it's impossible to trust anyone because you can't even trust the people who were supposed to care for you and you can't even trust yourself. But still you YEARN for there to be someone - anyone - that you can tell everything to and who will love you anyway. Your heart aches for a person you can love and who loves you in spite of all the rage in your heart, the fear in your belly and your soul full of pain.

And right now you hate me because you think I'm making you feel all these terrible things. But all I'm doing is saying what you're already feeling. And I'm saying that it's ok. That all the rage and shame and fear and loathing and disgust and pain and guilt is all there and waiting for you to be ready to feel it. And make no mistake, it has to be felt. And it's hard. Sometimes harder than anything else you can imagine, just to really feel what you are already feeling.

But I PROMISE you that it makes it better. I promise you that you come out the other side in the end. That you can find your way to joy, to love and even to trust again. Because that is who you were before you learned not to be.

You can learn to be yourself again.

And I will love you through it all."


Love to you,

Lyra ♥