It's been a while since I wrote.
I was poorly for a couple of weeks and being ill took me into a place of deep fear and grief. The fear was at times overwhelming and it covered every aspect of my life - it was not limited to the fear of 'always being ill and never really properly recovering'. I felt fear about everything - and in particular, I realise, when the everything related to doing anything. It felt like a stage of transition. Now my flu symptoms have gone, the fear has abated but it was fierce and terrifying.
To begin with, I was in denial about being ill. I had 'too much to do' and it was definitely the wrong week for me to be laid up in bed. And yet there I was. And I fought it all the way - until it was very kindly pointed out to me that that's what I was doing. I stopped and realised just how self-punishing I was being keeping myself in a constant state of extreme stress about feeling really ill and yet thinking that I had to be doing things so that, even when I was resting, I was agitated and full of guilt. Not the best internal environment for recovery from anything!
And I felt so sad. The slightest thing moved me to tears and I sobbed at least once every day (probably because I was being so self-punishing). I think it all stemmed from the feeling of deep vulnerability from being ill. Having flu is quite incapacitating and I think that to feel so very vulnerable was very challenging for me because I have a great many things to be dealing and coping with. Which of course is why I got ill - because I allowed myself to become run down from trying to do too much.
This flu has made me really see just how much I take on on a day-by-day and week-by-week basis. How impulsive I am when it comes to saying 'yes I'll do that'. And that, because I am passionate about many things, I have a tendency to try to be involved in all of them. And that the combination of that is totally unsustainable. I have been scattered and unfocused for a long time and it is exhausting. It has taken a bout of flu to make me see just how exhausting it is. And how much I want to bring some focus and clarity into my everyday life.
I have been longing for a while to have something to really get my teeth into. I have a choice of projects and could do so with any one of them. And I don't. Because I don't want to have to 'give up' my other options. And because I am afraid of the power I might unleash within me by focusing all my energy on one thing. The things I could accomplish!!
Well, you never know until you try so it's time to pick one of these projects - in actual fact it does not matter which because I think the what is not quite so important as the how and why. It's time to have a priority in life again - one that is beneficial and allows me to bring all my energy to it, all my passion and enthusiasm. It's time to surrender into a definite Yes.
Love to you,
Lyra ♥
