Loss and Determination

There has been a great deal of loss in my life.

Family members who have passed away, friends who have come and gone, lovers with whom it could not work.... And rather less tangible but nonetheless deeply meaningful things like trust, confidence, self-esteem and innocence.

The devastation that my stepfather's actions have caused go way beyond the abuse he inflicted on my siblings. What he did has caused so much pain, rage and depression that people who were once as close as family can be now are barely in touch or when they are there is an undercurrent of strain and a very large elephant in the room. Or they do not speak at all.

The departure of my stepfather was very sudden. One week he was there and the next he was gone, never to be seen again. I felt guilty for a long time that I missed him - that I had to go through a grieving process for him. Because no-one is totally evil (no-one I've ever met anyway). He had his good qualities - there were times of shared laughter and of affection, compassion and kindness between us. And I had to say goodbye to these as well as to the bad. It was as if he'd died but, because he hadn't and because what he had done was so heinous, it was as if there was no room, no permission, to grieve for him. I have, over the years, made space for that and given myself permission. I held a 'funeral' of sorts in which I said goodbye to the man who was the dominant father-figure for nearly 20 years of my life. His good side and his bad. In order to move on, I had to find a way to say goodbye to both.  He has been much less present for me since.

The behaviour patterns which my upbringing gave to me have still been there however. I can not blame the man who is no longer a part of my life for my current behaviour. I can understand that he caused it in the first place but to say it is his fault now, I feel, gives him a power over me which I do not wish him to have. It is my choice what I do and how I think right now in this moment. Though at times it might not feel like a choice, I realise that it is. I am the one who still chooses to listen to their fears and to act on them instead of pursuing my dreams. I am the one who keeps barriers up between me and other people. I am the one who is so sensitive to criticism I cannot hear what I need to in order to grow. And I am the one who is still raging at the world and saying a big 'F**k you' to it by not being all that I can be.

That's me. Not anyone else.

And that behaviour has caused me a great deal of pain, loss and upset in my life over and above what my stepfather caused.

Accepting responsibility for that fact is hard and painful. But it is so necessary and now, in the writing of it, I feel a deep sense of peace and relief at seeing it so clearly. Because it means it is within my power to do something about it.

Love to you,
Lyra ♥