Monday 5 December 2011

It's been a while....

It's been a while since I wrote.

I was poorly for a couple of weeks and being ill took me into a place of deep fear and grief. The fear was at times overwhelming and it covered every aspect of my life - it was not limited to the fear of 'always being ill and never really properly recovering'. I felt fear about everything - and in particular, I realise, when the everything related to doing anything. It felt like a stage of transition. Now my flu symptoms have gone, the fear has abated but it was fierce and terrifying.

To begin with, I was in denial about being ill. I had 'too much to do' and it was definitely the wrong week for me to be laid up in bed. And yet there I was. And I fought it all the way - until it was very kindly pointed out to me that that's what I was doing. I stopped and realised just how self-punishing I was being keeping myself in a constant state of extreme stress about feeling really ill and yet thinking that I had to be doing things so that, even when I was resting, I was agitated and full of guilt. Not the best internal environment for recovery from anything!

And I felt so sad. The slightest thing moved me to tears and I sobbed at least once every day (probably because I was being so self-punishing). I think it all stemmed from the feeling of deep vulnerability from being ill. Having flu is quite incapacitating and I think that to feel so very vulnerable was very challenging for me because I have a great many things to be dealing and coping with. Which of course is why I got ill - because I allowed myself to become run down from trying to do too much.

This flu has made me really see just how much I take on on a day-by-day and week-by-week basis. How impulsive I am when it comes to saying 'yes I'll do that'. And that, because I am passionate about many things, I have a tendency to try to be involved in all of them. And that the combination of that is totally unsustainable. I have been scattered and unfocused for a long time and it is exhausting. It has taken a bout of flu to make me see just how exhausting it is. And how much I want to bring some focus and clarity into my everyday life.

I have been longing for a while to have something to really get my teeth into. I have a choice of projects and could do so with any one of them. And I don't. Because I don't want to have to 'give up' my other options. And because I am afraid of the power I might unleash within me by focusing all my energy on one thing. The things I could accomplish!!

Well, you never know until you try so it's time to pick one of these projects - in actual fact it does not matter which because I think the what is not quite so important as the how and why. It's time to have a priority in life again - one that is beneficial and allows me to bring all my energy to it, all my passion and enthusiasm. It's time to surrender into a definite Yes.

Love to you,

Lyra 

Monday 31 October 2011

The Cleanness of Empowered, Heartful Anger

I belong to a trauma support group on Facebook and have noticed something rather interesting.

Most of the time when someone posts that they feel awful and are basically reaching out for support, two things happen. One is that they apologise for being negative/ needy/ petty. The other is that they ask how everyone else is and send them hugs.

I find this fascinating because it basically means that, certainly when we are traumatised, we feel unable to ask for help/ love/ reassurance without offering something in return and also apologising for having needs!

I know I have done this a lot in the past and still do. It makes me think of a quote I read recently that a gift is not really a gift unless you expect nothing in return. Well, often we are also unable to accept gifts without expecting ourselves to offer something in return. All of which I am sure stems from low self-esteem and a lack of feeling worthy or entitled.

I am personally feeling highly volatile at present - in the changeable, fluctuating, mercurial sense of the word. I have spent the last few days exploring anger in some depth and through it have found several things. A deeper sense of connection with myself. A strong sense of solidity - of being 'full up' with myself. The embodied knowledge that anger is highly energising and as long as I own it and use it constructively, is a powerful agent for change. That anger, creativity and sexuality have the same energetic source and all involve the combination of intimacy, vulnerability and passion. And that where, personally, I find fear to be something that disconnects me from others (and often from reality), anger reconnects me to others (and to reality) as long as I express it clearly, cleanly and with an engaged heart.

And learning all of that has taught me that it is not only wonderful to feel angry - joyful even! - it also helps me to assert my boundaries in a definite, healthy and loving way. The boundaries of what I do and do not want, will and will not accept, and the boundaries of my needs. And that that enables me to express my needs clearly and lovingly - without demand from another that they meet them and without demand from myself that I must offer something in return. And of course then I am vulnerable to rejection. But I have realised that I would rather be rejected (cleanly, clearly, honestly and heartfully) than live in the fear and uncertainty of not asking.

And that is a truly empowering thing to feel.

Love to you,

Lyra 

Monday 17 October 2011

A Fresh Look

I have made a new discovery!

Over the last few days, the Universe has been conspiring to bring me to a place of understanding: of just how capable I am.

My energy has been up and I have realised just how much I can do in a day - without exhausting myself, without being self-punishing, without getting badly out of balance.

I have been, for a while now, feeling better than I used to. I still get days where I'm not up to much at all but they are much fewer and further between than they have been for a very long time. I have still been living in a mindset of fear when it comes to doing things however. I have been so afraid of doing 'too much' (whatever that means in the moment) in case I get tired. Because I am so afraid of being tired because of what it has meant for me in the past. Being tired meant being exhausted; it meant feeling ill and depressed; it meant not really having a life or feeling able in any way.

But even though now my tiredness is more at a 'normal' level (that is, I get tired from being busy - just like everyone else), it has been very hard to get out of the mindset of caution. I have spent days only doing one or two things because I have been so scared of doing too much and exhausting myself. I don't feel badly about this. I have at times kept a daily 'diary of achievements' to help me see that I can do things. It began with 'I got out of bed this morning'. And that really was a huge achievement. It was only a few months ago that doing as much as I have done today (a full day's work) would have been impossible - physically, psychologically and emotionally. I felt fragile and ill, as I had done for a long time. And anyone reading this diary a couple of weeks ago would understand that, sometimes, I still do.

Not every day however. Not anymore. My fear of being ill has not diminished though: until now. The last few days I have got so much done!! And far from feeling tired from it - I feel fantastic! I feel such a great sense of accomplishment. And this in turn has made me feel more confident, inspired and motivated to do more. I have balanced my days as far as possible - not just doing one type of thing (though today has been spent at the computer admittedly). I am attempting to rebuild my life in a way that maintains my health - that is sustainable on a personal level. And in terms of overcoming my fears, the last few days have taken me a giant leap forward.

It's been a long time coming and I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel :-)

Love to you.

Lyra 

Wednesday 12 October 2011

What a difference a week makes...

I have realised just how cyclical a creature I am.

It started from reading Miranda Gray's Red Moon. I began keeping a chart of my menstrual cycle including how I feel each day, what my energy is like, what dreams I have.... it's been so revealing to me. And so infinitely helpful. To understand that when I feel low, this will change and, aside from life events, it is often due to where in my cycle I am, is wonderful because it makes me feel like I am in charge again. At least, that's how I feel today!

I have been struggling deeply with my sense of identity - of myself as a woman and what that means. This cycle chart has been very beneficial in that journey. It has helped me to understand that I am different people at different times - and that that is totally natural. It is simply how my nature works as a woman. At times I am soft, vulnerable, sad and withdrawn; at others I am wild, passionate and sexy; and at still others I am strong, focused and logical. How wonderful to feel that all of this is at my fingertips! How amazing to know that I am capable of being all of these things - and I definitely am because I have already been all of those things!

I have a tendency, like many others who have suffered trauma, to look at my past and see the bad in myself. To go over and over the things I have done wrong and regret or have suffered. Which of course only serves to prolong the pattern of suffering - but which must be gone through like any other part of the healing process.

More and more however, I am looking at the good stuff - and actually, there is a lot of it! There are many more times I have done the right thing than the wrong; been kind rather than unkind; had beautiful, connecting, loving times rather than ones full of fear, conflict and trauma (particularly more recently).

I am learning that men CAN be trustworthy, kind and honest. Probably because I am learning just how much that is true of me too! And I feel that, because of that, I am inviting more positive experiences into my life of men being kind, trustworthy and honest. I feel, possibly for the first time in my life, that I am really rooting for myself: that I am showing up and giving myself what I need and that that is giving me daily more strength and courage to face my fears than I have ever had.

And I am still terrified of going out into the world and still feel shame about the fact that I have been withdrawn from it for so long - particularly with regard to the world of work and career. But each day that passes, the fear of NOT going out into the world and the consequences of that become a little bigger and the fear of going out into the world lessens as I learn through new experiences that going out there can be a beautiful, joyful thing to do that nourishes and connects me. And learning that in a social context first is very helpful: it allows me to realise my worth as a person which naturally makes me begin to think that I am also worthy of achieving my dreams. In particular, my dream of earning a good living doing what I love. A vital part of moving from surviving into thriving.

Love to you,

Lyra 

Monday 3 October 2011

Scary Needs Safety First

This morning I woke up and was quickly drenched in fear.

A lot of past events ran through my mind and I felt the residue of them in my body. Hips clenched, my jaw was tight, arms wrapped around myself or hands holding the part of my body which felt most frightened.

Eventually I managed to get up and have some breakfast. I wrote my journal and realised that I felt exhausted and wanted to go back to sleep - if nothing else to have another hour of respite from feeling. Normally I would have overridden this: viewed it as a weakness and not something to be indulged when I 'should' be getting on with so many other things.

But today, I showed myself a bit more compassion and went back to bed. I slept deeply and now this afternoon I feel able to cope with the feelings which are coming up. They have moved to the background a bit which is why I feel able to write.

I am healing some old wounds - old wounds which have been exacerbated by more recent ones. They carry such huge shame and such terror and at times I feel as if I have reached my limits and simply cannot hold anymore. I think maybe that's where the sleep came in helpful. Being kind to myself helped me to let go. To not have to hold it all for a while by surrendering to sleep.

I still feel guilty for giving myself what I needed - after all, sleeping is not what I should be doing on a Monday morning! I should be out working like 'normal' people. Like healthy people. But that's the point isn't it. I'm not out there working because I feel exhausted quite often or simply unable to cope. It's hard to admit that. Because it's how I've been feeling for so long and I do feel a huge amount better than I used to. I'm just not quite 'there' yet. Not quite able to go out into the world - or at least feel huge terror about doing so because it feels so dangerous out there and I feel so inadequate.

And of course the more I do to heal myself, the more the fears and shame come up. Because the things I do to heal myself confront those feelings and bring them out into the open - instead of staying where they've been repressed for years. And I know this is a good thing and is healthy. It's just not easy!

I realised this morning that I felt very unsafe. Part of going back to sleep was about recovering a sense of safety: being in my bed where I feel safe and surrendering into that. I am typing this from my bed. Thank goodness the wifi is working today! I am going so deeply into my fears that I need to counter-balance this with really taking good care of myself. And allowing myself to sleep when I need to, eating good food regularly, really listening to what my body is telling me about what it needs.... these things all help me to feel safer because they help me to feel heard. Not being heard has been the source of much terror, pain, shame and anger for me (just as being heard is now scary). So I am giving myself the gifts I need to feel safe again; to learn to trust, at least in myself.

I need to be heard.

Love to you,

Lyra 

Tuesday 27 September 2011

The Lie of Too Much


There is a huge amount of fear in my life. I live in fear on a daily basis.

I am afraid of being selfish, or being a doormat; of not being able to say no or not having my no heard; of not being able to say yes or having my yes rejected; afraid of commitment, afraid of drifting; afraid of attack and terrible things happening; afraid of never feeling 'alright'; afraid of saying the wrong thing; afraid of my own power and of other people's; afraid I will never find lasting love or have a family of my own; afraid I will never have financial security; afraid of anger, of being the 'cause' of others' anger or discomfort or sadness; afraid I feel too much or not enough….. The list goes on and on.

Some of it is primal fear, learned from experience and sits in my body, my guts, telling me to run or fight. It makes me wake up and it keeps me alive.

But a huge amount of it is mental anxiety and springs from my head. From the imagining of future possibilities full of terror, pain and despair. It makes me shut down and disassociate from the present. I have got better at spotting these anxiety spirals and soothing myself out of them but it takes work and practice and the tendency is still very much there.

I think much of it comes from believing I am 'too' something. 'Too sensitive', 'too emotional', 'too broken': 'too much'. Too much for others to handle or want to be around. And with that comes great swathes of shame and guilt. The 'oh no, I took too much space/time/attention/love there, I should have done xyz instead'.

And at times, I think I am too much for some people. We all are. That doesn't mean that I am wrong to be myself!! It just means that some people will take a step back in that situation. And I then have to feel the emotions of that. It doesn't mean I have to stop being myself. What a revelation!!!!! (To me anyway!).

I really don't have to stop being myself in order to make others feel comfortable. I simply need to tolerate the consequences. If I express so much grief or joy that some people back away, for whatever reason, (usually because they are afraid of feeling that themselves, but not always), I need to be able to accept the fact that this is their prerogative. And that I can choose to adjust my behaviour if I wish to but that I do not have to.

I don't mean that I have carte blanche to do anything I like and screw the consequences for others. I'm not talking about getting so angry that I hit someone and that's ok because I'm just expressing myself. 

I am, however, meaning heart-full, responsible self-expression. Being able to say 'I am so angry right now' in a way that is assertive and full of feeling but is not passive or aggressive. Being able to vent my grief by sobbing my heart out, free from shame. Being able to be deeply joyful in spite of any guilt which may arise.

I have been told not to cry at a funeral. I have been told I cannot laugh (about something totally unrelated) because someone else was experiencing grief. I have been told I cannot be angry because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable. And NONE of this is true.

And I have tried to manipulate others too into feeling, in particular, not angry because anger makes me afraid. I feel sad about that. But I wish to take responsibility for it so that I can change that behaviour. Because it is so linked with being able to stand up and say 'what you are doing makes me very uncomfortable. It's too much for me right now and I need to remove myself from this situation. Perhaps we can talk about this later or another day'. And I have so rarely been able to say this. I have thought that I had to accept whatever behaviour people have thrown at me because that's what 'being loving' is, not understanding that I was not loving them or myself because I was instead trying to cover up my real feelings (of fear) and instead trying to change them into feeling or being something else that was less frightening for me.

And I have had other people do that to me a LOT. Tell me (often directly) that I am wrong. That somehow in myself I am so wrong that I make other people deeply uncomfortable or unhappy. That it is all my fault. I have believed these lies for a long time and they have filled me with fear, guilt and shame. Made me feel unable to really be myself - the self who is full of feeling and has so much to offer the world. The self who is empowered and passionate and expresses herself heartfully and articulately.

Well, the tide is turning.

Love to you,

Lyra

Monday 19 September 2011

Loving Boundaries

It is hard to write again today.

I have struggled to keep my daily journal too the last few days. I can feel resentment about it and am rebelling against the feeling of 'have to'. I can be very stubborn and will resist 'have to' even if the have to is something I love to do, something which is good for me, something I want to do and imposed by no-one but myself.

It is my inner teenager denying authority, saying 'screw you' and living just as I want to right now in the moment and never mind the consequences. Just don't give me any responsibility even if I ask for it, want it or need it because I've got more than enough responsibility as it is.

And that's the key to it - responsibility. I felt so deeply responsible for everything which happened - from my father leaving onwards - and for everyone else's emotions, that feeling responsible for anything else has been more than I could bear. Including responsibility for myself. And now, I am practising daily not being responsible for other people and their stuff and instead being responsible for myself. To me, this means checking in regularly with how I am, what I'm feeling, keeping tabs on the thoughts running through my head and the story they are telling me - about myself or others - and expressing my truth. It is a place of deeper honesty with myself and has definitely been helped by writing this blog. Not only have I given myself permission to be absolutely honest in these posts, I have committed to writing a post once a week unless on holiday. That commitment has been wonderful for me. 

And now it is challenging. I realise that I decided to write this blog for myself but that the big intention was that it should help other people who found themselves in my position to not feel alone. Now I feel the rebellious teen in me rising up and saying No. Saying enough already with the responsibility! I don't want to help other people, I want to help myself! I wasn't made for this routine, this predictability, this steadiness! I grew in the spirit of chaos and that is what I know and need to feel normal. Adrenaline, insecurity, possible danger - gimme gimme gimme! All the dramas and traumas of life are mine and I need to be involved in them.

Oh, and that's it!! My teen was so afraid of being caught off guard that she immersed herself into the chaos. She became hyper-vigilant of everyone else because that's what helped keep her safe. She felt she had to be involved in what everyone else was doing and their dramas because that's what enabled her survival in a world of danger and confusion. The only time during that period when I actually felt like myself was when I was dancing or singing - and frequently did both very wildly (an outward expression of the inner chaos). Otherwise I was not at home in my own mind or body but was watching out for other people (in both senses of the expression). 

I can feel the pull in my body and mind towards this wildness and passion now and in many ways this is wonderful. And in others it presents the challenge of keeping myself safe. Because as a teenager, I never learned how to take care of myself or knew how to have proper boundaries, so I got into all kinds of situations which were distinctly unhealthy and at times downright dangerous. I was too involved in other people and their stuff to be aware enough of what I needed. Too bent on doing what others wanted rather than what my instincts told me was right for me. Too willing to be a people pleaser to be guided by the inner wisdom which was shouting at me from every cell. 

I feel very sad about this. 

And yet, here I am, alive and able to look at my past and learn meaningful lessons from it which can help me right now in this part of my life. So I can't help but also feel grateful for that sadness. Grateful to myself as a teenager for showing me what is good for me and what is not. And willing to stand up as an adult and say to my inner teen that this is a boundary between health and non-health. That keeping this commitment to write is important for our growth because it teaches that I can be expressive and creative in a safe, non-chaotic way. Because although I do make room in my life for chaos and messiness and think it is vitally important for health and creativity, I do not wish to live my whole life in that way. I also need structure and safety and the ability to set good boundaries. As an adult, it is important to be able to stand up and say No - to yourself as well as other people. No I will not let you off the hook this week just because you are feeling too predictable and afraid of the sense of security and safety that brings which is still a new experience for you. And it is important to be able to say Yes - yes I will honour my commitment, yes I will listen to my instincts and yes I will be deeply loving myself in the process.

Love to you, and to me,

Lyra